October 22, 2007


I've always been fond of the intermission song from the movies... you know, "Let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, let's go out to the lobby, and have ourselves a snack." Never really cared much for the intro music, though.

Over at Hammer's, he's posted a great intro song that I'd love to see in theatres. Unfortunately, we probably never will.

Check it out...

Tip of the mug to Jerry, who felt my name was written all over it

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October 21, 2007

Dunkin' Drunkards

A Sunday passage about baptism, passed along to me via email, by Carmen's ma, and Tammi.

You know it's gotta be serious.

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "Nope. I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, man! Have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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October 08, 2007

Art Martial

Awhile back, I was sent a video that could have contained some classified info. I was going to do a post on it, but I thought that perhaps I was pushing my luck, so it was shelved, so to speak. But recently, with a comment from Mink and a conversation with Tammi, I've reconsidered.

Mink made reference to MCMAP. In case you didn't know, or didn't click the link, MCMAP stands for Marine Corps Martial Arts Program. This was started in 2001, and is required that all Marines go through the first level, a tan belt, while all infantry Marines need a green belt, or third level. Though some Army units teach jujitsu, and martial arts are part of training for elite forces, the Corps is the only branch of service that requires that all of their members go through this training. At least, for now.

The Air Farce has jealously looked on, and is interested in implementing their own version, the Air Force Lethal Operations Program, also know as AFLOP. Through Tree Hugging Sister, I was able to get some footage of the experts hired to put together this program.

Allegedly, this program is yet to be implemented, but I've got a couple of friends who've been in the Farce, and it's pretty clear that they've learned some of these deadly techniques.

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October 01, 2007

A Gift Idea

RSM just graduated from boot camp, and is now a member of the National Guard. I'm pretty damn proud of the little whiner.

He also just had a birthday this past Saturday. I sent him a gift, for which he was very thankful, but he made it pretty damn clear what he'd really been hoping for... a flak jacket and first aid kit from here.

Hook a brother up...

Tip o' the mug to Zeejus

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September 15, 2007

Irina Boobagovich

Yesterday, I mentioned that Harvey was looking for his family as a celebration of his birthday. Well, the way he phrased it, he was looking for boobs. I didn't really have time to spare to lend a hand in the search for his kin, so I just wished him a happy birthday. I kinda felt bad...

But thank the Lawd above, today I found someone who may just be related to the ole perv...Irina Boobagovich, professional ball wrangler.

There you go, Jackass. Happy Birthday.

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August 23, 2007

Dear Chocolate Rain,

So I stop by Elisson's web log, and I see that he's linked a video, and one of it's parodies... the parody being from Chad Vader. Mr. Dax Montana introduced me to Chad, last year, and they are some pretty decent shorts.

Anyway, I got to exploring some of the other spoofs and parodies of this particular song, and I ran across one that caused me to blow a snot bubble of epic proportions. Not so much from being funny, though it is, but from surprise... I'd forgotten about the particular spoof that they spoofed along with their spoof. Check it out:

I know it's old, but it still cracks me up. Then again, I am fairly easily amused...

For those who don't know what the hell is going on, explanation do be found below.

Back in April, Saturday Night Live did a short called "Dear Sister," which was a spoof on a scene from the OC's season finale, second season. Not so much a spoof of the events in the scene, it spoofed the direction of the scene... the slow motion turns and looks. It was one of the funniest SNL skits in quite awhile.

The spoof spawned all kinds of videos on You Tube, some lame, and some pretty decent. From Disney's Lion King and Pocohantas, to TV shows like The Office, Bugs Bunny to Pirates of the Caribbean, and quite a few home movies, there were all kinds of responses. If you haven't seen them, check'em out.

The music (not "Chocolate Rain") is from Imogen Heap, and the song is called "Hide and Seek." I only mention it because, in many of the videos, credit is given, but yet, people keep asking who it is.

This way, you too can feel like a dumbass for asking me in the comments! :)

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August 02, 2007


For Ogre...

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July 19, 2007

Bot What?

I ran across something, just before Ogfest, that I just needed to post... had to do it, because it reminded me of something that you'd see posted by the P.T. Barnum of the Internet, the Grady Stiles of the Blogosphere... the Velociman of the Velociworld. Just seemed to be velociworthy. However, I didn't do it, being the busy bastard that I am. I did save it, though...

Yesterday, I noticed that Leslie had a post up about something that squicked her out... essentially, the same thing I'd seen, but there was no video included. "Ah," says I. "This I can provide!"

Uh... if you've just eaten or have a weak stomach, you may not want to watch. (I linked a different removal... the other no longer works.)

Granted, this isn't from the head, as this clip is.

Kinda cool. You can carry your lunch around with you... just use tweezers or petroleum jelly to extract from the handy dandy packaging.

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July 02, 2007


I frickin' hate it when you toss a load of towels in the washer, and discover that you got an armhole over the agitator...

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March 16, 2007


Personally, I think she's right.

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February 21, 2007

More Origins...

Funny how the English language works... we've got many words that sound similar, and have meanings that are nothing alike. It's no wonder foreigners get confused... we confuse ourselves.

True shit, folks. This day that is fast dawning was NOT called Lent when it first came about. And while it did involve the Church, it wasn't as it is now. No.

It was a time where a deep belly button was valued above all else. Folks had only wool for blankets. Wool, coarse and uncomfortable. It was discovered that lint from the navel, in large quantities, could be woven into soft, comfortable (and slightly smelly) blankets. Folks worked all year around to save their lint and make these blankies.

However, when Oktoberfest came around, people would trade their blankets (also called "lints") to the monks for dopplebock. Thus it came to be that the Church owned all of the comfortable blankets.

In the cold stretch of winter that is known as February, people would be freezing their asses off. So they did as they do now... run to the Church for charity.

The priests had their shit together, though. Their own supplies would be dwindling at the mid point of winter, so they used this to supplement their caches. Having ownership of the blankets, they would offer blankets to those who would give them food or drink as a rent payment. After Easter, they would again take possession of the blankets to use for the next years winter.

So there you have it... Lent was actually derived from Renting stinky ass Linten blankets from the Church.

What would you give up for a lint?

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January 22, 2007


Christ our Lord... I am so out of touch with style. Looks like leggings for men will be the new thing. Seriously... read it.

Long johns are now acceptable in public. The "in" thing.

I think about all of the guys I know, and I can't think of any who'd wear these damn things... at least not out in public. Well, other than maybe Harvey... or Grau. Hell... maybe even Blackfive might be willing to wear a fly mint green set for an interview. You never know...

But you hate to imagine. Speaking of that... (and I may have just gotten a contract put out on me) for those of you who have met Og...? Heheheh... no, I can't imagine, either.

The Dude (one of his commentors), no doubt.

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January 15, 2007

The Story of Bou

Well, the little "cold snap" that we had is officially over. Temps are back in the 80's. And believe it or not, I'm actually glad for it.

No... I've not lost my mind. I'm still sweating towards death, and miserable hot. But when it warms up, the whining stops. Jeebus, these people down here... give them cool temps in the low 70's and 60's, with lows at night in the 50's, and they shiver and shake. Their kids are dressed in parkas and heavy sweatshirts, as are the adults. It's ridiculous. They say it's a matter of acclimation, but I really think it's just a matter of them being jealous of the Northerners, and their wearing of winter gear. Hell... 60 degrees? Bust out that new down jacket and those heavy mittens. And don't forget that Mad Bomber hat with the rabbit fur lining. You don't want to stop sweating... that would be bad.

Saturday, we were able to head out on the boat for a couple of hours. We stopped on the island, and as usual, I went swimming. When I got back on the beach, an old timer called me over.

"Hey, Cap'n! How's the water?"

"Not too bad, sir. The first couple of seconds are a bit rough, but then it's fine."

"You know, I brought my nephew and his kids out here last week. Little ones headed straight for the water, swimming and splashing... not a care in the world. Ah, but that's kids... they don't know any better. It's normal. Look at you, though. Someone like you? Something ain't right. When the water temps are 66 degrees, no one goes swimming. NO ONE." Then he grinned at me.

I laughed and told him that colder temps appeal to me.

Perhaps its just a matter of hardiness. They just don't make'em as rugged as they do in the states further north. This ain't a North vs. South thing... it's a Florida thing. I'm not saying that they can't be tough, but they sure are a whiney bunch when the temps drop to civilized levels.

Of course, I think about them not being able to take the cold, and Bou immediately comes to mind. That woman can't take the cold weather. At. All. But it wasn't always so...

I asked Hubba (Bou's ma) if Bou had always been such a baby about the cold, and she told me, "No way... she used to love it. As a matter of fact, I'll scan and send you a couple of pics. You won't believe them."

Turns out, Bou used to love shovelling snow, and she'd do it in her shorts!!! She had her favorite shovel, and used to shovel whenever and where ever she could. She used to go out to Pike's Peak, long ago, and help shovel out the cog railway. She was a shovelling fool.

What happened to her, that she starts shaking to death when the temps hit the 60's? Well, it happens that her aversion to cold happened after her last trip to Antarctica. The other members of the expedition got tired of her leaning on her shovel, mocking them, and they locked her outside for the evening. She's been cold ever since.

Photographic proof lies below the fold.

This pic is of Bou and an unidentified friend shovelling on the cog railway. (Bou is the one with the great big shovel.)

And here's Bou on the fateful expedition. This was just before she got locked outside.

Heheheh... it's true. That's why I don't really give her too much crap. I think I might be a little cold if I were locked outside all night. In Antarctica, that is.

And if you think the Pike's Peak crap was mean; Hey... she's the one who'd have you believe that she's old.

Yeah... Bou's old. And I'm Steve Urkel's identical twin.

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November 13, 2006


Yeah, there was something similar that came out before, but Sissy found another one... one that I think Bou had a hand in. (She's convinced that I've got an accent, and if you've ever heard me talk, you know that's a crock.) Anyway, here's the results of my "test:"

What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The Inland North

You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."

The Midland
The Northeast
The South
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have?

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November 05, 2006


There are times when one must do what shouldn't really be done. This, my thought on this fine Sunday morning.

Fresh from the shower, I decided to trim my back claws. They weren't too bad, yet, but when you've got heels that demolish the backs of your shoes and socks like mine do, why give them reinforcement from their brothers on the front, the toenails? I grabbed my shears, and set to work.

Have you ever stopped and looked at the funk underneath your toenails? I mean, gotten right down there, or examined a clipping, and given it careful consideration. There is some nasty looking shit going on, and I'm fungus free on the ol' hooves... another advantage of not eating mushrooms. (I know it's got nothing to do with it, but it sounds convincing...) Cleaned or not, funk abides. It draws a shudder... you've really got to wonder about folks with foot fetishes.

Now, it may seem a bit off for me to say that, but then to consider Quentin Tarantino to be one of the luckiest bastards alive... because he got to suck on Salma Hayek's toes in "From Dusk 'Til Dawn." That's a damn fine leg to be looking up, but most importantly, there was alcohol involved. Yes, alcohol, killer of germs and possible funks, was being poured down that incredible leg, over her beautiful foot and toes, and down Tarantino's throat. Purification by alcohol.

But I'm kind of drifting away from the point... some things must be done, no matter what. Someone needed to suck on Salma's toes, and Quentin stepped up. I salute the lucky son of a bitch brave soul. That took something special, to be able to do that. (I'd have switched places with him if it were mud... mud cleanses, too, you know.)

These are my all important, albiet muddled and sleep deprived, thoughts, on this fine November morning that doesn't seem a bit like November but actually June, or early July... maybe even late May.

Anyway, happy Sunday. Don't forget to thank Gott for inventing alcohol.

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October 21, 2006

Chiquita or Dole?

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October 05, 2006

Open Letter To Matt (McConaughey)

Hey, 'Thew,

How's it goin', brother? Hope all is well with you, and continues that way. I hear you're going to be working on a football movie, "We Are Marshall," and you recently auctioned off your 'Vette, and built a playground with the money from it. 'Tis a cool thing. What have I been doing? Nothing that would compare, but like you, it's all cool.

I've got a favor to ask. It's been rumored that Jen has asked Kate to hook you two up. I know... it's just a rumor. Shoot, they even called you shy. Heheheh... what the hell are they talking about? You, shy. C'mon. We all know that the "shy" play draws the women. Look at all of the women who are lining up for me you.

I'm thinking that Jen thought I was taken, or unobtainable. Hey... it happens. I don't hold it against her, if she actually is chasing after you. But you and I know that if she knew that I was available, she'd be mine in a heart beat. Just the way it is, bro. Maybe I should get ahold of Kate, and tell her to let Jen know.

And I don't blame you, if you're hoping to hook up with her. She's a fine, fine woman. But I'm just asking that you back off. Dude, you've got tons of women wanting you. (Um... so do I..?) Hell, I know of a bunch of women bloggers that would be all over you, given the opportunity. Hell, I'll even post a pic of you, and let them leave their comments for you. Check'em out, man... there's some very cool women there.

Do it for Jen.

Stay cool, peace out, and good luck with the new flick, brother. And just for you, I'll say, "Hook'em Horns." Damn, that hurt. Heheheheh...



Guys, don't even bother clicking on the extended entry...

Click to enlarge

There ya are ladies...

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September 29, 2006

Go 'Tagion

Contagion Swerski.jpg

Today is the 45th birthday of one of the biggest Bear Fans I know... Contagion Swerski, one of the original super fans. "I tell ya... in a fight between Lombardi and Ditka, Da Coach would spank da Packer guy like a little girl."

Contagion acts like he hates birthdays, but it would mean the world to him if you stopped by and did the birthday dance for him.

Go 'Tagion, It's your birfday...

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September 27, 2006

Not Quite

Damnit. Just when you thought...

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September 23, 2006


A few years ago, I went to the theatre to catch Jackass: The Movie. While some of the stunts and bits pissed me off, my inner six year old (who's really in command) loved most of it. Hell... even some of the stunts that pissed me off had me laughing later.

The new one is coming out, and I'm afraid that I'm going to have to see it... cartoons being a major inspiration for some of the stunts. Check out this interview:

I know it's immature. But it looks damn funny.

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Heheheh... Poor Shoe... her blog has fallen into the hands of Redneck's 'Necks. Head on over to check out the carnage, and a gratuitous beaver shot. Posted by yours truly.

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September 09, 2006

Cutting Gems

Damn, it was nice to be out on the bike yesterday. A beautiful day for riding, though a bit warm. Hey, at least it wasn't humid like Florida has been. I thought it dry, but was told otherwise...

I got home on Wednesday, and each day has been awesome. Wednesday night, I even had to sleeping under a blanket... it got down to 55. Perfect! First time that I've been able to sleep under covers all summer, except for when I've travelled. And I'm one of those folks that needs to have something draped over them, a sheet at the least, in order to sleep well.

Anyway, like I said, each day has been just beautiful. I'm seriously beginning to think that the rumoured "flooding" was some kind of hoax. A ploy to pull national sympathy (and maybe even money) to our little communist state. I've seen no rain... not hardly even a cloud in the sky. At least, until this morning. It looks as if there may be a small chance of some precipitation. Hopefully, I'll be able to push it off until tomorrow. I've got that wedding that I need to go to this afternoon... don't want to muss my long locks. Heheheh...

Okay, I'm drifting a little bit, like I've a tendency to do. At times. Heheheh... a fine example is the "Giving Birth" post. That was originally supposed to be about a guy sitting across from me, hammering away on his Blackberry, or Treo... it reminded me of the early hand held electronic games by Mattel. Especially, the football games. You had to be quick as hell with your thumbs to do well on those games. Man, they were a blast! Not really sure how I ended up writing about some poor bastard's pooping problems. Oops... drifted again. I must be a bit tired.

So it was great being out in the open, enjoying the sun and the sights of home. And, like the post below, the smells of home. The smell of fall is already in the air. In Florida, there is no such thing as fall, unless you're talking about what happens after one drinks too much. Up here, it's still early yet, but you can smell the grains as you drive past the fields, the last crop of hay that's been cut. Occasionally, you can catch the smell of burning brush and leaves, though I doubt that many of those leaves are from this year. This year's colors haven't fallen, yet. Hell, they haven't even turned, though you can see that it's not too far off. Not far at all.

I took backroads when I had the time and chances, and got to smell the rural scents... fresh cut hay, corn cut for silage, the smell of the woods as I rode beneath a canopy of trees. All those scents, mixed with the scent of exhaust and unburned fuel... it was heavenly. I don't know for sure if I should say it, but what the hell. I was so damn excited that my nipples were hard. I mean, I could have found employ as a diamond cutter. It was so damn good to be out on the Green Beast.

I rode up to Janesville, and hooked up with my youngest brother. We visited for awhile, but he was on his lunch hour, so he had to bolt. So from there, I rode on up to see Richmond... we had a nice visit out on the patio. Well, until the German yellowjackets started hanging out... Richmond got stung. I was proud of her... no blubbering, or crying at all. Just one crazy woman. She chased them all away, swinging a citronella bucket, screaming epithets, and laughing maniacally. It was exciting. Not quite jeweler grade exciting, but exciting nonetheless.

I'd also tried to get ahold of a certain bearded freak, and his wife, but they were wisely screening their calls. Ah, well... next time I won't give them warning.

I did hook up with some more family, and managed to get home just before dark. Which was good... I didn't have a jacket, and it can get a bit cool riding through some areas. It could go without saying, but it makes your nipples hard. Again, not quite jeweler grade.... And after riding around in an excited state for much of the day, and the chafing, the nipples do become a bit sensitive. Which throws you into a Catch 22 that I shouldn't need to describe...

All in all, it was a damn good day.

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September 06, 2006

Giving Birth...

You can see alot of strange things at the airport. There's alot of nice scenery, yes, but some of these peeps are strange folk. Just another reason that I like to travel.

Sometimes it's not just the things you see, but the things you hear.

A trip to the restroom leaves me with confused feelings. Yeah... I know that sounds weird. Ah, well. It ain't what it sounds like. Or maybe it is... I don't know. I'm confused, as I said.

I'm standing there, obeying all men's room rules and etiquette, taking care of my business, when I hear a muffled noise. It grows steadily louder.

Now, I know it's probably considered a bit immature, but I couldn't help but start grinning. This poor guy was making all kinds of agonized noises, but when he started whimpering, that's when the confusion set in. I was still laughing, but I so wanted to kick the stall door open and knock the poor bastard in the head. Put him out of his misery.

But alas, restroom etiquette requires that one be able to shit in peace. He lives to shit another day.

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August 21, 2006

Near Death

Not being used to actually working, much like my brother in unemployment, I injured myself Saturday. It is quite the disgusting injury, but I took it in good humor. Between sobs, I was actually laughing. Or crying so hard I was laughing. I even made the comment to my 'boss,' "This is pretty damn sad... check it out."

The injury is in the extened entry. I'm warning you folks... this is NOT for the faint of heart.

Click to view carnage up close

Sweeping can be a very dangerous job. Leave it for the professionals.

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August 18, 2006

"This Food Is Divine"

Hey, Kids!!! You can be the coolest on your block, with people lining up at your house! It's divinely simple! Just spot the Virgin Mary hiding out in your chow!

Seems to be a popular thing, this Mary being found in food items. Whether it's a frickin' pretzel, a burnt poptart, toast, or even a peanut, Mary makes her appearance. Anything goes when it comes to manifestations... she's recently been discovered in a stalagmite of chocolate drippings. Dark chocolate drippings... mmmmmm.

While I do not discount the possiblitly of miracles, I find these instances almost pathetic. Mary manifests herself in your sustenance... who made her god to do that? And why do people worship her? She carried a miracle, but she sure as hell wasn't the one who originated it. I thought Christianity and Catholicism were about Gott, not worshipping His servants.

Still... you can't help but wonder; Is this for real? Is Mary trying to tell us something? What does it mean?

Do you really need to ask? If it's real, it should be obvious.

Mary's telling us, "BITE ME!!!"

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August 17, 2006

Fauxto Pt. 2

What the hell was that gnome picture all about? Well, it had just a tiny bit to do with staged and photoshopped fauxtos, and a bit to do with Ogre, who gave us the game, and it's rules:

I think it's time the Garden gnome joins the battle. Here's the rules: Take any alleged "real" photograph from one of the propaganda news agencies and then add the gnome.
I don't know how many more entries are out there, but there were a few. One each from Ogre, Murray, and Team Swap. (Oh yeah... it's not about spoofing the war, it's about spoofing the photographers.) Some pretty damn funny stuff, if you ask me. Even if you don't ask me, it's funny.

Granted, you can tell that some of these were photoshopped. Murray's entry points out our flaws. But we've staged no pics. And I'm going to expose some photoshopped AND staged photos. These photos can be seen as published at the zombie time site. When this imagined expert took a second look, he discovered that gnomes actually were at work behind the scenes.

Pic. 1


This photo is ovbiously staged. Notice that there is no dust on this "victim." Other than that, it looks very realistic. Job nicely done.

Pic. 2

The "Green Helmet" unmasked...

Anyway, this will conclude my exposure of fauxtos, staged or shopped.

You're welcome.

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August 16, 2006

Getting Off

The other day, I read over at Tammi’s about how she gets off. I thought it a bit strange. Weird even. Drums?

So I thought I’d share what gets me off. A blast of cold water (hell, even a blast of hot water), stones, an edged weapon, or even a gun. But most times just a good solid push will do.

Of course, I’ll usually just get off if you ask nicely. Whatever it is I’m standing on…

What gets you off?

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August 13, 2006

Nine And Out

Remember awhile back, when I wrote about the undercover cat? Well, guess what? He found out what happens to stoolies. Sure, they're saying it was an accident, but that's pretty dubious. Although... he did get a new job teaching kids how to care fir animals. I guess that was an example of how not to do it.

"They" offered to let him swim with the fishes, but he looked too happy when they did, so they simply ran him down.

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August 12, 2006

Garden Terrorists

Members of the crack garden terrorist arm, Hezgnomah, on parade this past week. ©Rotters

Hezbollah has been training a group of elite fighters, which they revealed earlier this week. Infidel veggies best beware.

"We have gathered the best of the best, when it comes to garden fighting. By recruiting gnomes, the regulars in our division will have a keen insight into proper gardening and garden patrolling. They in turn will train the gnomes to fight viciously, and proudly, with no surrender but death. The western infidel vegetables will be destroyed without mercy," Hezgnomah spokesman, Ahipa Arugula.

Posted in accordance with the laws of Ogre.

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August 07, 2006


Hummingbirds. Nature's helicopters. Yabu was reflecting on them. Then Richmond revels in hers, and when Eric contemplates them, and their nests, I leave a helpful comment. Ricmond seems to think that I really would like to sup upon the little creatures. Not really, not enough meat. You'd need a bunch of them... kinda like what you'd find here... a frickin' swarm of 'em.

There's alot of breasts there... bird breasts, dammit, you pervs.

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Below is a fine example of how the media works things to their liking. Or not...

Spotted at, and stolen from 40oz Loudmouth's house. Check out his reviews of fine malt lagers...

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July 28, 2006

Need For Shopping

Like it or not, and I don’t, I’ve got to go shopping soon. I’m in dire need of some new bungies, and, it appears, some new jeans. I blew out one pair in major league fashion, and I’ve got a second pair that would like to do the same. Since I’ve only got three pair, or had three pair, with me, I’m running low.

When my jeans wear out, they usually wear through just above the knees. The crotch gets thin, and sometimes will develop holes, but the knee does them in. Once they wear through, and a hole shows, it’s all over. While I’m working, my jeans will drag on my legs, and if I’ve got to do any bending, squatting, or stretching, that drag rips the crotch out.

A while back, a fellow blogger posted a picture of his jeans… they were on their last leg (no pun intended). Not trying to outdo the lad, but this pretty much spells the end of your jeans… (see extended entry)

Rub to enlarge

Notice, I took care, as did Eric, to keep the boy hidden from view.

This is a pair of pants that can only be worn in a few places, now. They do provide great air flow, so that’s a plus, but not too many folks like seeing them. Especially when worn with the bungies posted below. Not the best ensemble…

My second pair of jeans has been going for a while now, but the hole above the knee just grew the other day. A good sweaty day, and that’s all she wrote. They’ll be in just the same shape as my church pants… check them out.

Click to enlarge

Again, modesty came into play, as you can see. I probably would have been alright, but you never know what’s going to happen. I don’t like my picture being taken, but Sluggo might.

Anyways, I’ve got to go shopping.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:32 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

July 23, 2006


Damn... I've got a powerful craving for some 911 buffalo shrimp, curly fries, and a tall, ice cold Guinness.

Just sayin'.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:49 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

July 16, 2006

Things I Learned While Stumbling Through Nova Scotia

blah blah Harvey blah blah me.

Nova Scotia.jpg

Some restaurants are NOT all they claim to be...

Posted by at 06:17 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

July 09, 2006

July 9, 1967

July 9, 1967... Northern Illinois' modern day equivalent of the stable in Bethlehem. A young farmer's wife has just given birth to her first child... a long haired little boy. No kidding, his hair is over his ears, and down on his shoulders. Years before his horrible accident requires a face transplant, he is a stunning figure right out of the chute. Literally, and figuratively.

The young woman watches nervously as the little one is being checked out. He seems to have been born with a smirk on his face, but that changes as soon as the doctor smacks his little ass.

Suddenly, the room is an explosion of tiny fists and obscenities. The doc catches a right to his left temple, and a left to his shnoz. The infant is screaming, but it's not the usual cries. "Son of a cross eyed monkey raping goat!!! Who the hell do you think you are, you heavy handed son of a bitch?!?!? You get your kicks from paddling the backsides of innocents? I'll kick your ass so high they've got to shoot you to keep ya from starving to death, ya friggin pervert!"

As the doc slumps to the floor, the infant walks over and kicks him in the groin, and then takes his wallet. Peeling out a Benjamin, he hands the C-note to his mother. "Thanks for the ride, lady." He then walks over to his father who is standing in dumbfounded silence. He grabs the White Owl from his father's pocket, and lights it up with a match struck on the doctor's face.

"I'm off to get a beer, folks... feel free to join me." With that, he strides off, bare ass naked, into the night.

And that, my friends, is the story of my first beer. It's true, too. Mostly.

Okay, let me just say this: "JEEBUS EFFIN' CARISTY!!!" Thank you, all of you, for your birthday wishes and gifts. Holy mother of gott... it's too damn cool. I will be stopping by and thanking each and every one of you folks later. Right now, I'm up visiting my mother, so I'm not going to have much computer time.

Until then, a toast to some of the coolest folks out there in the blogosphere. (yeah... that's you.) CHEERS, YOU BASTARDS!!!

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:21 PM | Comments (13) | TrackBack

July 06, 2006


This isn't a new thing, but I stumbled across it again, and I figured to have some fun with it. Army Wife and Jerry have both sent me the link to this, BTW. If you're offended, blame them, too. Heheheh...

Jesus Inspirational Sports Statues... or are they idols? I'm pretty sure that the Bible said something along the lines of: "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth." I'm thinking that this is a graven image, so I can legally make fun of it without Gott tossing a beatin' down on me. I'll toss one of the pics up every now and then, along with a caption. Feel free to toss your own in... or duck and cover.

Holy beating.jpg
"Oh, shit... the coppers! I'll show you how to beat the stuffin' out of a stoolie later!"

Yeah, lame. So you do better...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 07:00 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

June 25, 2006

Making A Lemur Horny

Since I asked Zonker and RSM to stop by and post when they've got a chance, I've received some strange Google hits. Which really should be no suprise, after the way they frolicked through here, spreading their seed. (For google bait, you pervs.) So, I thought that maybe I would try to help out those folks who were led here, thinking that they would find one thing, and finding another. It's only polite.

Take, for instance, the "horny female lemurs" that Zonker left as bait. Believe it or not, I did have a hit for a "horny lemur." Granted, it was probably one of the four or five regular readers looking to see how well Z-man's prank was working. But, while it's not the worst of the hit's I've gotten from his posts, I figured that I should do something for those freaks that truly are looking for a horny female lemur. Innocently , I might add. (Yeah... an "innocent" looking for horny animals. Right.)

Lemurs, in nature, are not horny. I discovered this, as I looked at various types of the animals. You won't find them horny... you have to make them horny. So I found a female that looked pretty easy to work on, and got busy on her.

Never having done this before, it took awhile. I'm not very good, I'll admit. About the time that I thought I was making headway, I'd make a wrong move and screw it all up. I tried over, and over, and over again. I about ruined her. But all at once, I figured it out. And once I did, I had her horny in no time.

Check it out...

It was easiest to make her horny this way... trying the obvious cross between a longhorn and a ruffed lemur resulted in a pile of dead lemurs.

Breeding for RSM's lesbian cat sisters is working just about as well, but there are less crushed animals...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:16 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

June 16, 2006

What Did We Learn Today #17

I'm taking a tutorial in Anatomy & Physiology. The head of a local medical program and friend found out about it. He offered to bring me into the school and let me do my lab work not with computer simulations and cats or pigs but working alongside his students on human cadavers.

Talk about focusing your studies, not only is it fascinating to be working on the real thing, there is also the realization that these people gave their remains up to help you study. Out of respect for them, every moment in study is centered in concentration... and fascination. And I am not one for squeamishness after years in an ER and on an ambulance.


Lunch at the Barbecue place was NOT a good idea.

Cross posted here

Posted by at 11:03 PM | Comments (3)

May 26, 2006


Tricera... tricera... tops.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 04:44 AM | Comments (3)

May 24, 2006


Nebula... nebula.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:33 PM | Comments (3)

Like Black Flag

Some nights, the dreams of death get to be too much, so I'll get up and wander around the house in the dark, or I'll grab the laptop, and head outside. A great way to cool the sweats and enjoy the beautiful night. Well, that's done for the summer, I'm thinking... the junebugs are out, and in divebombing mode. I had a couple hovering around the light of the screen, bouncing off of it, and my face. I don't really need that...

They got me thinking. What the hell calendar do they follow? Is it Hebrew, Islamic, Indian, or Chinese? Maybe Julian. It sure isn't Gregorian... it's May, and the JUNEbugs are here. I'm thinking there's a market out there, untapped. Bugs need calendars, too. Otherwise, they'll show up too early, and throw everything off. A confused insect is not a good thing.

If you, or anyone you know, know how to speak or write Insectish, please get ahold of me. (The email addie is in the sidebar to the right.)

We can make a killin'.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 02:44 AM | Comments (2)

May 23, 2006


Viscera... viscera.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 05:09 PM | Comments (7)

May 19, 2006

Don't Push

Play with this for a bit...while I recover from a very stoopid evening.

Hat tip to Steve for this game.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:36 AM | Comments (6)

May 10, 2006


I was reminded today of a video that I had meant to post for you, long ago. Only after reading Basil's Headline News, did I remember... brought back by the headline: "Sex Toys Are Deductible In Australia," with Basil's comment, "IRS says, 'Try that in the U.S. and you're screwed.'" Heheheh...

Well, sex toys can also be brutal when coming in contact with a face... at least, at high rates of speed. This guy knows.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 12:49 AM | Comments (2)

For Some Peeps

Got to thinking the other night, and I realized that I don't always cater to all of my readers. It ain't fair. So I figured that I should try to hook them up.

Here's to some prime mates of mine. Some cheesecake...

Monkey2.jpg Monkey Ass.jpg

monkey-spider1.jpg vervet-monkey.jpg

You may be asking, "WTF???" Well, here's the scoop: Monkeys are people, too. A little bit of cheesecake every now and again is greatly appreciated.

Hey, it's true. I was reading earlier today about how drunken monkeys mirror people. Duh... I could have told you that. Who the hell do you think writes half of my drunken posts? Between me and my crew of rhesus, we come up with the drivel that I force upon you.

Well, I checked into it a bit, and I found another bit of info, though it's not exactly the latest news. Monkeys pay for sexy photos, too. That link requires registration, so I'll quote the whole thing:

A recent study has found that male macaques will readily give up food in order to look at photos of a female monkey's bottom. Males gave up portions of juice in exchange for a half-second glimpse of a female macaque's genitals and anus. "Virtually all monkeys will give up juice to see female hindquarters," says the leader of the study, Robert Deaner. "They really value the images." The males would also give up juice in order to look at faces of the males in their troop, presumably in order to gather social information about their companions and rivals. But they would only give up very small portions of juice compared to what they were willing to sacrifice for a half-second glimpse of a female's behind.
That explains the credit card billings from "Monkey Ass Mommas." I'm gonna have to get myself a new crew... one that doesn't drink so much, or spend all of their time spanking each other.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 12:20 AM | Comments (3)

May 08, 2006


I don't really know why, but I thought I'd share this pic with you.

It's in dire need of trimming, but the bush still looks pretty damn good.


Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:40 AM | Comments (8)

May 05, 2006

Jesus Copperfield

I saw again, the other day, the article about Jesus actually walking on ice. Now, the guy proposing this theory, Prof. Doron Nof, is only offering a possibility, he's not saying it's gospel (pardon the pun). But if you ask me, and you didn't, asking us to believe that ice formed on disturbed waters, and then Jesus walked out three or four miles across a lake on that ice... well, that seems to require the same faith needed to believe that He just strolled across the waters.

The sixth chapter of the Gospel of John tells the story familiar to Christians: When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, got into a boat and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified. But he said to them: "It is I, do not be afraid." (John 6:16-20)
Reuters reports that FSU professor Doron Nof credits this miraculous act to an unusual combination of water and atmospheric conditions in what is now northern Israel that could have led to ice formation on the Sea of Galilee. Using statistical models to examine the dynamics of the Sea of Galilee (now known as Lake Kinneret) and records of surface temperatures of the Mediterranean Sea, Nof determined there was a period of cooler temperatures in the area between 1,500 and 2,600 years ago. He says this could have included the time in which Jesus lived.
Had the temperature dropped below freezing, it could have created ice to form in the freshwater lake that was then called the Sea of Galilee. And that ice would have been thick enough to support the weight of a man. What's more, it might have been impossible for distant observers--especially in the dark as the Gospel of John reports--to see that it was actually ice surrounded by water and not just water.
Until I hear of Sven or Olie trotting across Lake Superior to catch up with their freighter, I'll be insisting that this is just as miraculous as the other. Shoot, a shifting sandbar is more likely, but still, a frickin' miracle.

You want to know what really happened? Keep reading...

It had been a long day, and JC was a bit frazzled... he was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun. His cousin had recently been beheaded by Herod Antipas, he had a crowd of five thousand following him while he healed their sick and tried to pass on his teachings, and then, when evening had come, he had to pull off one of the greatest illusions of his career… making five thousand people think that they all had eaten from a measly five loaves and two fish. Best part, was that when they gathered up the leftovers, they had twelve baskets full. “Hahah… suckers!” He thought to himself.

Trying to lighten things up a bit, Copperfield ordered his disciples to get into a ship, and head over, across the lake, to Capernaum, while he sent the crowds away. He told them that “after he had prayed,” he would meet up with them on the other side. He started up a mountain, until they were well out of sight, then, laughing softly to himself, he made his way to his Roman friend, Industrious Mechanicus; Sol, for short.

Sol: “Evening, Jesus. How goes it, g? You ready to jack with some minds?”

JC: “Heheheh… you’ve got it, bro. You got it finished?”

S: “Yeah, Jay, but I didn’t go with that ice angle you wanted to play.”

J: “Why not?”

S:“Dude… I know you of all people know that ice ain’t gonna form on turbulent waters. Look at the shit brewing out there now. I bet your boys are shittin’ bricks, right about now.”

J: "Heheheh... you know it. 'Specially Peter... I tell ya, that guy is dimmer than a 10 watt bulb."

S: "A what?"

J: "Errr... nevermind. Something that you won't be around to see. So, show me what you got..."

Sol walked to the door of his workshop, and, with great pride, revealed his newest creation.

J: "Uh... what the fu... I mean... what the heck IS it?"

S: "I still don't know exactly what to call it."

Copperfield shot him a look of exasperation.

S: "Oh. Sorry. It's a boat, actually, but it's powered by that belt in the center. You said you wanted to make it look like you were walking on water, not gliding. That was another flaw with your ice plan. Unless you planned on flipping your ice floe end for end, you just be pacing, not to mention the fact that you'll never catch up with your posse. This here belt drives these paddles underneath, and you, J, drive the belt."

J: "By walking?"

S (with a wink): "Ain't no one pulling one over on you, bro! The faster you walk, the faster you go."

J: "Okay, that's cool, but what the heck is the boat made out of? It looks like glass."

S: "You know my cousin, the general down at the garrison?"

J: "General Electricus?"

S: "Foshizzle. Anyway, he's also an inventor, and he came up with this stuff. He calls it 'Flexi-glass.' It's pretty strong, and it won't break when you bend it. When you get this baby out on the water, you can't even see it. Only thing visible is the walking belt, and you've gotta look pretty hard to see it in low light."

J: "Dude, this is gonna so frickin' ROCK!!! I can already see Peter's face! Heheheh... I bet he'll even try to walk out to see me, once he sees that it's me. I can't believe that guy is going to start my church once I'm outta here."

The two of them pushed the invisible boat out to the water's edge. JC climbed in, and walked/paddled His way back into the pages of the Bible...

And now you know, the rest of the story...

Good Day!

Posted by That 1 Guy at 10:42 AM | Comments (17)

April 28, 2006

No Such Thing

My nose itches, and I'm hungry... coincidence???

Waco, folks.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:12 AM | Comments (0)

April 27, 2006


What started out as "harmless" fun, turns out to be an expose. I fear that I may further lose a friend (he already doesn't want to hang out with me after the "tick post") over this...

It was a while ago, but I ran across the My Heritage Face Analyzer Doo-hickey thing over at Agent Bedhead's. I had no pictures loaded into my computer at the time, so I didn't check it out... forgetting that there were already a couple of me out there on the intraweb. Later, I saw it again at Oddybobo's, and I knew I had to check it out. I looked through my archives, and located a picture, then I used the picture of the rabid Joe attacking his dad, to see who came up as matches. I also used my father's shot, since it's been said that I look just like him. The results were interesting...

Boxerbriefs.jpg Death From Above.jpg

I also checked out another angle, found in this post. A few names came up quite often, so I'll just give you them, though, I had some very strong matches from that bungies shot. Almost all were above 70% matches.

Here's the names that seemed to be common:

Off of the bungie pic, I had Johnny Depp, at 74%, Pier Paolo Pasolini, at 72%, Beckham, Roberto Rosselini at 71% (Ingrid Bergman... lucky bastard), and, Gott help me, Macauley Calkin at 71%. This pic gave me the best results. Among the others were many, many Europeans, mostly German (imagine that... I'm over 3/4 German!), and some very weak matches.

There were also some female matches that had me wishing I lived in West Virginia. Milla Jovovich, at 74%, Kylie Minogue, at 72%, and Liv Tyler, at 71%. There was also one I'd never heard of before, but DAMN she do be hot! Her name is Rani Mukherjee, a Bengali actress. Mmmmmm... Bengali....

milla.jpg kylie_minogue.jpg

liv_tyler.jpg Ranimukherjee.jpg

I guess one positive thing from this is that when I finally let Jennifer Aniston catch me, it won't be like making out with kin...

I know, by now you're wondering, "How the hell is this endangering a friendship?" Or, "Where the hell is this expose?!?" Okay, okay... I'm there already.

In the midst of this "research," a name kept coming up, and though it sounded familiar, I couldn't place it. Bashar al-Assad... Bashar al-Assad... I decided to check this guy out. Hell, I checked everyone out, but it was killing me not to know who this dude was. Turns out, he's the President of Syria. Yeah... a bad guy. I did an image search on him, and what I saw made my blood run cold. You see, you could very well have met this guy. At any rate, you DO know him...


I'm a little worried about this weekend...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:50 AM | Comments (7)

April 24, 2006


The first swing of the blade was here and gone... the first blood drawn. The annual battle known as lawn care has begun. A battle that I will lose for the first couple of months. With today's cutting, the rate of growth will increase, forcing me to cut my lawn between two and three times a week. (Not much exaggeration.) I will be able to watch, as the new growth is up and in need of cutting before I finish the previous cut.

But it shall come to pass, in the seventh month, when the air is hot and arid, and the Sun directly overhead, a man... nay, a guy... shall emerge from his cave. He shall come forth at high noon, when the sun is the hottest, and the air borders on Hell, and he will lower his mower, leaving no more than an inch and a half of height. And lo, the sun shall bake the grass, and it shall die. And T1G will look upon his work, and say, "It is good." And he shall mow no more, except to trim the weeds which shall appear every third week... the battle finished, until the next spring, when grass will ignore it's defeat, and shall wage war once again.

Okay, it's time to follow the Jedi master of unemployed bloggers, and grab a gin and tonic, or ten. Good luck in your campaigns...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 07:28 PM | Comments (6)

Turn On?

The other day, I was reading over at Catfish's, and he had a post up about a very nasty turn on. Probably NSFW to click on that one... I'd think you'd be alright, but you never know. Hell, I'M banned from some places. That's just sad!

Anyway, I'd heard of this particular turn on, once before, but I thought it just a gross out tactic. And instead of using plexiglass, the guy I talked to said he used a glass coffee table. Well, I'm must be a bit of a prude, because there were more than a few folks that had heard about it, including one of the waitresses at the local establishment. She not only had heard of it, she'd done it! Okay, just kidding... she reads this site occasionally. I had to give her crap.

I decided that I'd check into a few things, and I've got to tell you folks, the human race can include some pretty nasty bastards. Seriously. One of the things that I discovered was folks who got off on choking... and not autoerotic asphyxiation. Nope. This would be choking by shwanz... 'til barfing takes place. Yeah.

Now, this is one of those things where I'm at a loss. Having someone yak on your crank is a turn on? Hell, stomach acids jack up the enamel on your teeth... what would it do to skin in more sensitive places? And it ain't just a pleasure for the dude... the ladies get off on it, too. As a matter of fact, I stopped looking around too early. I was talking with someone last evening, and he said that there are some instances where there are two women... one to hurl, and the other to catch. Or should I say, EAT!!! Why??? Perhaps the King of Perversion, Harvey, could shed some light on this, if not some of you...

I would have linked to a picture, but then I kind of like having this blog safe for most folks to check out. Then I started thinking, "Hey... these people really need to know about this stuff," so I scurried around until I could find a picture for you that is totally work safe. Really. You can trust me on this one. I just put it below the fold to keep from distracting you.

Below, you will find: "Hot Chick Puking"... and liking it.


Posted by That 1 Guy at 05:48 AM | Comments (9)

February 23, 2006

RR Blogging

WARNING: While this post is typical of me, it isn't typical of this blog. It coud be a bit TMI for some...

I shouldna oughta done it, but I finally gave in, and picked myself up a laptop. Just a basic machine, nothing fancy. I kid myself and say that if I end up getting a field service type-job, I'll need the machine for typing and sending reports. What a joke... it's probably going to be used for blogging more than anything else. I think we all know that.

I was reading the other day about how mobile computers are changing the way and where of business. Folks are taking their laptops into the shitter with them so they lose no time at all. Multi-tasking as it were. I'd provide a link, but as of right now, I'm not exactly in the best spot to get a signal. See, I decided to put this new toy to the test... you, my friends, are essentially sitting in the can with me while I'm shitting and typing. Have a seat on the edge of the tub, and we'll check this out together.

Whoa... hang on... here's a signal! Cool... now maybe I can find that link. Crap... the signal's locked. Okay, we'll stick to the typing and other for right now.

Holy crap, that was a nasty fart! Can you smell it? Those au gratin taters ain't smelling so tasty today, but that could be because of the combination of all the other things I et. Heheheh... I won't go into great detail, but I promise not to flush until you can check it out and take a guess as to what chow yesterday was.

Alright... despite all the fiber I had yesterday, things aren't moving along too well. I don't know if it's a bit of stage fright, trying to pinch one off in front of you folks, or what, but trying to push with this computer on my lap ain't working very well. Hold on...

Okay, that tears it. Trying to rock a turd out and still keep the damn laptop open is an exercise in futility... the damn thing's going on the floor until I'm done. I will keep my promise, and let you check it out when I'm done, though.

Turn your head while I take care of the paperwork, would ya? Thanks. Modesty you know.

Looking at the finished products, I'd have to say that both the post, and the fecal masterpiece stink. But at least the bowlful has color... the corn stands out well against the dark blue of the Powerade. So take a look, if you wish, and guess what all I had yesterday...

As far as the post, or working with a laptop while you're taking a crap, I'm thinking that all you're going to end up with is crap. Quite literally and figuratively. I'm not a guy who can sit on the can for long periods of time. You crap and go. The stench of a nasty dump cannot be conducive to clear thinking, and the longer you wallow in it, the more clouded your thinking is going to be.

And unless they start putting laptop trays in the shitter... hey... it's my idea, and it's patented... back off... it's a little too awkward. At least, that's my experience. I'm not going to risk trashing my laptop, just so that ...n Smith can get those quotes emailed to him while I'm baking brownies. What's three minutes?

My fellow patrons, I'm sorry if this post disappointed you, or perhaps put you in a place you'd rather not be, but hey, you clicked on the extended entry. I will guarantee you, however, that this is the last post I will type while on the throne of this pub. See, the stench and awkwardness are but a small part of what bugs me. I'm a bit of a techno tard, so I'm not exactly sure about how all this wireless stuff works, but I do have one consideration that has me very reluctant to do this again.

Fried cajones. I'm afraid that my nuts are going to be hard boiled by deadly wireless rays, stupid as that sounds.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:47 AM | Comments (14)

February 20, 2006

He's Serious

Cruising around today, I stopped to check out Contagion's Frappr Map. By the way, Mr. Shy has far passed me when it comes to friends. Now that's just wrong... he may be my friend, but he's a prick, and an asshole. It just shouldn't be. Perhaps you fine folks were put off by my asking you, as drunkards, to sign my map. Maybe you're afraid of my Jeebus status... that's cool. But it's still no reason not to sign the fu#%ing map. Please... don't make me strike you down. I'd much rather drink a beer with you, than exile you from this earth. Speaking of exile reminds me of what I originally was going to post about... I've drifted quite aways off.

Contagion isn't really a touchy-feely kinda guy. Tammi, as he says in his own words, "... will hug you for any reason. She meets you; she needs a hug. You talk to her; she needs a hug. She successfully put on a coat; she needs a hug. It’s cold out; she needs a hug." Well, she went too far this weekend.

Contagion has exiled her to a deep spot in the ocean, off the coast of Africa. Here's proof that you can only push the bastard so far...

Click to Find Tammi

Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:25 PM | Comments (8)

January 30, 2006

Clan Bad Example

Do you like to join groups and clubs in an effort to fit it? Do you feel like a loser? Tired of feeling alone?

Well, you're in luck. The Biggest Loser ever is looking for you to join his ranks! Yes, Harvey, of Bad Example has come up with another approach to taking over the whole blogosphere... inviting you to join the Klan Clan. Yes! You can be a part of his nonsensical clan, too. Does that mean I'm going to join it? Well, yeah. Despite the harsh words, I still like can tolerate the bast... errr... old man.

Go on over to read the details. And welcome... loser.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 01:58 PM | Comments (1)

December 26, 2005

Naughty or Nice

My personal e-mail hasn't been working the best lately... my sister had sent me an email that I wished I would have seen last week. I think some of you parent's may have liked it. Nevertheless, you can always keep it in mind for next year.

Hey, Joe!!

There is a website, claus.com, that you can go to to check your status on Santa's Nice-O-Meter and see if you made it on Santa's nice list. Of course, the boys and I checked to see how we rated, and you can check back later in the week to see if you moved up the list at all. Then they wanted to look you up.

Joe Lastname

"Nice-but with a few naughty marks. Neatness needs improvement. Behavior has been good sometimes, not so good other times. Manners could still use some attention. Was very nice last Monday...."

The boys kept on giggling. They think you need to work on a few things and had better check back later in the week to see if you moved up any on "the list"....

See ya Sunday!
So just out of curiousity, I checked to see how things look so far for this year, in his Naughty or Nice Achives. This is what it said:
Joe Lastname

Overall, niceness outweighs naughtiness. Was good a lot last month! Politeness often good, but has room for improvement. Could help around house more instead of watching so much TV. Expected to move even higher up "nice" list.
Either he was too busy to pay attention Friday night, or Santa's getting a little senile.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 03:14 PM | Comments (3)

November 16, 2005

Language And Other Bullshit

Imbibing of spirits gives rise to pause... sometimes one thinks about serious things, and other times, what is considered serious at the time, is but a farce. Screw it...

Have you ever sat back and thought about language. Not just words, and their pronunciations, but how are their sounds and spellings determined? Where the hell do they come from? Why does a certain letter, or shape, have to be this special sound?

Seriously, language is an intriguing thing... don't ask me why right now, I'm a bit on the plowed side. But you know, all of you bastards have thought at one time or another about our language's roots. Where did this hogwash come from, and why do these letters represent these frickin' sounds?

Look back into history... we've got Sequoyah developing a written language for the Cherokee Nation. How did he determine what sounds were represented by what symbols? His written language was based on syllables... there were 80 something symbols representing each sound.

Our language? Well, hell... it's been in the works for a hell of a long time. Who devised it? You don't know... no one knows. It just is. Pretty piss poor when you think about it... "It is, because it is."

Look at our words, and their spellings. Why the hell does an "f" have to have a "fffffff" sound? I can understand an "S" having it's distinct sound... it does look like a frickin' snake, and ye olde "SSSSSS" seems to fit well. But why does an "F" have to sound like "ffffffffff?"

We take letters and just fling and flip them around, and suddenly, they are words... shit, look at what I just wrote. "Flip" Why's that a word? Who determined that it's actually a word? "Flip" those letters around, and they become another word... "pilf". Heheheh... Pilf... something that a "Pilfer" is likely to do.

And what exactly is a "pilfer?" Well, in many cases, it's taken to make one feel better...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 01:22 AM | Comments (9)

November 04, 2005

Virus via Computer

Stop! Before you come any further, take one of these biohazard suits... Okay, now put it on. Yeah, it won't help if you're just standing there holding it.

So anyway, I wake up this morning, and I feel wrecked. My cranium feels lopsided, throat hurts like I had gargled glass, and my body feels as if it's been "runned over by a damned ol' train." I can't breathe, and I can't focus, but I find out that's just because I'm shaking so bad... whenever the shivers leave, all's cool.

"That's one hell of a hangover" I can hear you saying. If it actually were the reward from a long night of libations, it would be one for the record books. Unfortunately, it can't be. I had only a couple of beers last night... I stopped drinking because I didn't feel well. I fear that I have... caught ill. And I'm blaming this guy for spreading a virus.

I was over at Phin's the other day, and was reading his post on sick blogging. There were no words of warning... I thought he was just venting about how women always seem to question men's toughness when battling illness. No. I made it halfway through the post before I realized that he was sicker than a leper cur with the hydrophobe. I tried to make my exit, but I already felt the beginnings of a slow death. The Reaper and I are having a staredown as I type this.

Before I resume my death throes, I have a couple of requests: play nice as you divide all the loot from my place. You're all big kids... no need to be hogs.

And should you ever catch death, and decide to post about it, please, PLEASE, warn others and give them the opportunity to protect themselves. (Oops, that reminds me, here's a roll of duct tape to patch the holes in the suits... I gott'em kinda cheap.)

See ya on the other side!

Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:23 AM | Comments (11)

Going Out With A Bang

Scientist have discovered that, yes, prehistoric life actually did have sex. And now, they have proof. Weird...

65 million years? Now that's a serious "embrace."

Posted by That 1 Guy at 01:14 AM | Comments (4)

October 24, 2005

The Jeebs Is My Shepherd

... and the "Jeebus" thing rolls ever on.

There's been talk of T-shirts, apostles, and now I've been invited to go out with a few friends this weekend. They're renting a party bus, and touring the bars of Rockford and the area before heading back to Fritz's. Costumes preferred, but optional.

So where does the "Jeebus" thing come in? I was asked to go as Jeebus, and to be their shepherd chaperone. "Partying with Jeebus..."

I've already got plans for the weekend, so I had to turn them down. However, I am going to be spending some time with a very assorted group of hellions... perhaps they're in need of a Deity. Nah... I think they've got that one covered with the presence of the Velocigod.

Robed or disrobed, Jeebus or no Jeebus... it should be a hell of a time.

UPDATE: Walked into Fritz's for lunch, and this is the note awaiting me...
Dear Jeebus,

We are planning a revival (bar crawl) next weekend. Way may need your guidance/forgiveness. Please call ___-____ or___-____.

Your disciples,



Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:38 AM | Comments (3)

October 23, 2005

Battle For The Throne

Watching the football games today, I see the usual commercials for fast foods. Most are lame, while some are just plain creepy. Yeah, you know I'm talking about The Burger Creep. While all of those commercials creep me out, the first one, from which that image was taken from, really creeps me out. Something about him just inspires violent thoughts.

I was looking around yesterday, and I saw a post that I thought about linking to, but I decided to let it go. Until today. Seeing the Creep's mug again, I figured I'd post it... it's worth a few laughs. Not just the post itself, but the comments, too. Yes, I left a comment, but it is nothing.

Head on over to The Nose On Your Face, and read his post Burger King: Benevolent Ruler, or Maniacal Despot? See Buckley F. Williams' take on the King of Burger.

I find both the deposed clown and the current King to be freaks... plain and simple. I'm of the faction that wants to either bring Wendy to the throne, or allow Taco John to invade. Either way, it's got to be a huge improvement.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 02:45 PM | Comments (1)

October 21, 2005

Martian Moses?

Mars rover Spirit, after nearly a year of rolling and scrambling up Husband Hill, is coming down from the mount. (Now I've got "The Mountain Song," by Jane's Addiction stuck in my head.)

So far there's been no mention of any tablets being brought back...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 12:05 PM | Comments (1)

Cartoons Will Save Us

If the parents can't get their kids to eat healthy, then maybe cartoon characters will be able to do so. Three cartoon characters are teaming up to nudge kids to eat healthy foods and to get up off the couch and move.

What three? SpongeBob Squarepants, Dora the Explorer, and Slick Willy.

I think folks better keep tabs on Mr. Clinton's whereabouts... Dora is young and naive. Just sayin'.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:44 AM | Comments (4)

October 11, 2005

Once Bitten

So I promised you a few ghost tales or stories... well, it's obvious that I've been lacking. So I'm going to post a link to a story that raised the old goosebumps on my arms the first time I read it. Hell, it still does. And it's one of my favorites.

Check out Key and her story of a little girl. 'Tis a great one.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 10:55 PM | Comments (1)

October 08, 2005

Golgotha Gathering

We've probably all been to a few blogmeets, and read about even more. They are usually held in fairly sane places. Usually. But I think we've yet to read about bloggers meeting in a cemetery. Well, until now.

I went out to the cemetery that I mentioned below, and there I met Raging Mom. However, this wasn't a drunken meet, which are usually the best ones to attend. Nope, this was just two bloggers crawling up the hill to a little cemetery to look around. We visited for awhile, and then had to head off on our seperate ways. Not really much of a blogmeet, but it was very interesting. She's a very cool woman.

We did not locate the grave of a little girl, but then again, only about six or seven stones were left there. We did notice that someone had been up there and spraypainted the backs of three stones. The backs were facing the road, and they were spraypainted a dull black. My initial thought was that vandals had been up there. As we parted ways, I realized that it was only the backs of the stones, not the faces. They had been painted to dull them.

So I went back out in the dark, and sure enough, even though they had been dulled down, one stone glowed bright. Bright like the back of a metal sign. Even under the paint. I tried to take a pic, but I only had Tammi's cell phone... it didn't come out. I may go back and get a good shot.

Not frightening at all, it was a bit eerie. One second, there's nothing in front of you but pastures and lonely road. The next, there's a glowing object on a hillside. At first, it looks like it's just floating there, then you see the trees and shape of the hill. Very cool.

I'm looking forward to more meets this month, and maybe a few more adventures like this. I'll keep ya posted.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:14 AM | Comments (2)

October 07, 2005

Hunting For God's Acre

It's closing in on Halloween. Spooks, ghouls, and ghost stories abound. I love this stuff...

Raging Mom and I have been trading some ghost stories over the past few days. There's also been the discussion of a couple of graveyards in the area that just don't seem quite right. We've decided that we should check them out. So far, she's been the only one to find them... I spent about half an hour lookin' the other night, and found out I was probably a few miles off. No mind... I've always been told I'm a bit off.

Raging Mom heads out to do a bit of detecting... First visit, Charter Grove Cemetery. She'd heard that this place has very noticable fluctuations in temperature... and there are.

Next, I had told her about a cemetery that has a "glowing" headstone. It's not known as being haunted, and the headstone only glows if you come around a curve with your high beams on, but I've been told it's kinda creepy. 'Specially if you walk into the graveyard to locate the glowing stone. No it doesn't change as you walk, but the stone is that of a very young girl. Once at the stone, it's a great time to scare the everlovin' piss out of those with you!

Figuring this is worth checking out at this time of year, I talked with a few locals, and got some rough directions. After looking at some maps, and checking out the wrong area, we figured that it could very well be Bald Hill Cemetery. Looks cool, doesn't it? However, we haven't found it, yet.

Raging Mom did make a trip out to that area last night, and while she didn't find the mini Golgotha, she did get a fright. She took a couple of pictures.. one very peculiar. It reminds me of some of the pics I've seen from Bachelors Grove Cemetery, near Chicago. Especially this one.

Methinks I'll be going out there tonight, if only to chain the gate that she left open. I'll keep you posted, and I think I'm going to post different ghost stories until fright night.

Remember, it's all just fun. At least, until someone fills their pants... then it's just funNY.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 02:06 PM | Comments (2)