July 9, 1967

July 9, 1967... Northern Illinois' modern day equivalent of the stable in Bethlehem. A young farmer's wife has just given birth to her first child... a long haired little boy. No kidding, his hair is over his ears, and down on his shoulders. Years before his horrible accident requires a face transplant, he is a stunning figure right out of the chute. Literally, and figuratively.

The young woman watches nervously as the little one is being checked out. He seems to have been born with a smirk on his face, but that changes as soon as the doctor smacks his little ass.

Suddenly, the room is an explosion of tiny fists and obscenities. The doc catches a right to his left temple, and a left to his shnoz. The infant is screaming, but it's not the usual cries. "Son of a cross eyed monkey raping goat!!! Who the hell do you think you are, you heavy handed son of a bitch?!?!? You get your kicks from paddling the backsides of innocents? I'll kick your ass so high they've got to shoot you to keep ya from starving to death, ya friggin pervert!"

As the doc slumps to the floor, the infant walks over and kicks him in the groin, and then takes his wallet. Peeling out a Benjamin, he hands the C-note to his mother. "Thanks for the ride, lady." He then walks over to his father who is standing in dumbfounded silence. He grabs the White Owl from his father's pocket, and lights it up with a match struck on the doctor's face.

"I'm off to get a beer, folks... feel free to join me." With that, he strides off, bare ass naked, into the night.

And that, my friends, is the story of my first beer. It's true, too. Mostly.

Okay, let me just say this: "JEEBUS EFFIN' CARISTY!!!" Thank you, all of you, for your birthday wishes and gifts. Holy mother of gott... it's too damn cool. I will be stopping by and thanking each and every one of you folks later. Right now, I'm up visiting my mother, so I'm not going to have much computer time.

Until then, a toast to some of the coolest folks out there in the blogosphere. (yeah... that's you.) CHEERS, YOU BASTARDS!!!

Posted by That 1 Guy at July 9, 2006 08:21 PM | TrackBack