July 09, 2006

July 9, 1967

July 9, 1967... Northern Illinois' modern day equivalent of the stable in Bethlehem. A young farmer's wife has just given birth to her first child... a long haired little boy. No kidding, his hair is over his ears, and down on his shoulders. Years before his horrible accident requires a face transplant, he is a stunning figure right out of the chute. Literally, and figuratively.

The young woman watches nervously as the little one is being checked out. He seems to have been born with a smirk on his face, but that changes as soon as the doctor smacks his little ass.

Suddenly, the room is an explosion of tiny fists and obscenities. The doc catches a right to his left temple, and a left to his shnoz. The infant is screaming, but it's not the usual cries. "Son of a cross eyed monkey raping goat!!! Who the hell do you think you are, you heavy handed son of a bitch?!?!? You get your kicks from paddling the backsides of innocents? I'll kick your ass so high they've got to shoot you to keep ya from starving to death, ya friggin pervert!"

As the doc slumps to the floor, the infant walks over and kicks him in the groin, and then takes his wallet. Peeling out a Benjamin, he hands the C-note to his mother. "Thanks for the ride, lady." He then walks over to his father who is standing in dumbfounded silence. He grabs the White Owl from his father's pocket, and lights it up with a match struck on the doctor's face.

"I'm off to get a beer, folks... feel free to join me." With that, he strides off, bare ass naked, into the night.

And that, my friends, is the story of my first beer. It's true, too. Mostly.

Okay, let me just say this: "JEEBUS EFFIN' CARISTY!!!" Thank you, all of you, for your birthday wishes and gifts. Holy mother of gott... it's too damn cool. I will be stopping by and thanking each and every one of you folks later. Right now, I'm up visiting my mother, so I'm not going to have much computer time.

Until then, a toast to some of the coolest folks out there in the blogosphere. (yeah... that's you.) CHEERS, YOU BASTARDS!!!

Posted by That 1 Guy at July 9, 2006 08:21 PM | TrackBack

Exactly how I pictured your arrival! Exactly! Happy Birthday again man! Hope to see you soon.

Posted by: oddybobo at July 9, 2006 08:35 PM

Why of course that's how you came into the world - we would have expected nothing less. *grin*

Posted by: Teresa at July 9, 2006 09:12 PM

It's all about the love, man... and the attitude...

Posted by: RSM at July 9, 2006 09:30 PM

So that baby in your left sidebar flippin' the bird IS really you.

Posted by: Jerry at July 9, 2006 09:40 PM

Happy belated Birthday, I raised a couple yesterday and now I am saying I did it for you...
I love it when a plan comes together.

Posted by: Michael at July 10, 2006 01:46 AM

One never gets tired of hearing that story, however the best was you standing on the bar telling everyone.

Posted by: Contagion at July 10, 2006 07:16 AM

Fortunately when he told it while standing on the bar he at least had the decency to wear a towel :)

Posted by: BloodSpite at July 10, 2006 07:27 AM

And thus a legend was born. Happy Birthday, a day late (sorry!). Have fun!

Posted by: Barb at July 10, 2006 07:46 AM

Happy Birthday!

Posted by: Freddie at July 10, 2006 09:25 AM

Happy Birthday That Guy!

Sorry I missed the festivities.

Posted by: Quality Weenie at July 10, 2006 09:57 AM

Only 363 more days as we can do it all over again! :)

Posted by: Richmond at July 10, 2006 10:41 AM

Either you had to much beer or have been watching too much Pinky Dinky Doo. Anyway, glad you had a great birthday and that you and Drew didn't have too much trouble pulling me into a standing position.

Posted by: Tink at July 10, 2006 09:41 PM

Happy Belated BD, dude. Sorry I missed it. I've been a little internetless for the last few days. Hope you had a great one.

Posted by: Dash at July 11, 2006 09:24 PM