May 05, 2006

Jesus Copperfield

I saw again, the other day, the article about Jesus actually walking on ice. Now, the guy proposing this theory, Prof. Doron Nof, is only offering a possibility, he's not saying it's gospel (pardon the pun). But if you ask me, and you didn't, asking us to believe that ice formed on disturbed waters, and then Jesus walked out three or four miles across a lake on that ice... well, that seems to require the same faith needed to believe that He just strolled across the waters.

The sixth chapter of the Gospel of John tells the story familiar to Christians: When evening came, his disciples went down to the sea, got into a boat and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified. But he said to them: "It is I, do not be afraid." (John 6:16-20)
Reuters reports that FSU professor Doron Nof credits this miraculous act to an unusual combination of water and atmospheric conditions in what is now northern Israel that could have led to ice formation on the Sea of Galilee. Using statistical models to examine the dynamics of the Sea of Galilee (now known as Lake Kinneret) and records of surface temperatures of the Mediterranean Sea, Nof determined there was a period of cooler temperatures in the area between 1,500 and 2,600 years ago. He says this could have included the time in which Jesus lived.
Had the temperature dropped below freezing, it could have created ice to form in the freshwater lake that was then called the Sea of Galilee. And that ice would have been thick enough to support the weight of a man. What's more, it might have been impossible for distant observers--especially in the dark as the Gospel of John reports--to see that it was actually ice surrounded by water and not just water.
Until I hear of Sven or Olie trotting across Lake Superior to catch up with their freighter, I'll be insisting that this is just as miraculous as the other. Shoot, a shifting sandbar is more likely, but still, a frickin' miracle.

You want to know what really happened? Keep reading...

It had been a long day, and JC was a bit frazzled... he was in desperate need of some lighthearted fun. His cousin had recently been beheaded by Herod Antipas, he had a crowd of five thousand following him while he healed their sick and tried to pass on his teachings, and then, when evening had come, he had to pull off one of the greatest illusions of his career… making five thousand people think that they all had eaten from a measly five loaves and two fish. Best part, was that when they gathered up the leftovers, they had twelve baskets full. “Hahah… suckers!” He thought to himself.

Trying to lighten things up a bit, Copperfield ordered his disciples to get into a ship, and head over, across the lake, to Capernaum, while he sent the crowds away. He told them that “after he had prayed,” he would meet up with them on the other side. He started up a mountain, until they were well out of sight, then, laughing softly to himself, he made his way to his Roman friend, Industrious Mechanicus; Sol, for short.

Sol: “Evening, Jesus. How goes it, g? You ready to jack with some minds?”

JC: “Heheheh… you’ve got it, bro. You got it finished?”

S: “Yeah, Jay, but I didn’t go with that ice angle you wanted to play.”

J: “Why not?”

S:“Dude… I know you of all people know that ice ain’t gonna form on turbulent waters. Look at the shit brewing out there now. I bet your boys are shittin’ bricks, right about now.”

J: "Heheheh... you know it. 'Specially Peter... I tell ya, that guy is dimmer than a 10 watt bulb."

S: "A what?"

J: "Errr... nevermind. Something that you won't be around to see. So, show me what you got..."

Sol walked to the door of his workshop, and, with great pride, revealed his newest creation.

J: "Uh... what the fu... I mean... what the heck IS it?"

S: "I still don't know exactly what to call it."

Copperfield shot him a look of exasperation.

S: "Oh. Sorry. It's a boat, actually, but it's powered by that belt in the center. You said you wanted to make it look like you were walking on water, not gliding. That was another flaw with your ice plan. Unless you planned on flipping your ice floe end for end, you just be pacing, not to mention the fact that you'll never catch up with your posse. This here belt drives these paddles underneath, and you, J, drive the belt."

J: "By walking?"

S (with a wink): "Ain't no one pulling one over on you, bro! The faster you walk, the faster you go."

J: "Okay, that's cool, but what the heck is the boat made out of? It looks like glass."

S: "You know my cousin, the general down at the garrison?"

J: "General Electricus?"

S: "Foshizzle. Anyway, he's also an inventor, and he came up with this stuff. He calls it 'Flexi-glass.' It's pretty strong, and it won't break when you bend it. When you get this baby out on the water, you can't even see it. Only thing visible is the walking belt, and you've gotta look pretty hard to see it in low light."

J: "Dude, this is gonna so frickin' ROCK!!! I can already see Peter's face! Heheheh... I bet he'll even try to walk out to see me, once he sees that it's me. I can't believe that guy is going to start my church once I'm outta here."

The two of them pushed the invisible boat out to the water's edge. JC climbed in, and walked/paddled His way back into the pages of the Bible...

And now you know, the rest of the story...

Good Day!

Posted by That 1 Guy at May 5, 2006 10:42 AM

You are going to much worse then burn in hell when the time comes.

St Peter: T1G welcome, lets take a look at that blog of yours

*St Peter reading*
Oh My
Oh you didn't
Holy Moly

Um, T1G I think your in the wrong area

Posted by: Quality Weenie at May 5, 2006 10:47 AM

I can't stop laughing.

And QW! You sooo got that one pegged!

Posted by: Tammi at May 5, 2006 11:04 AM

Great Googily Moogily!

Posted by: Ogre at May 5, 2006 11:07 AM

Hahaha! Love it! :)

Posted by: Richmond at May 5, 2006 11:23 AM

ROFLMAO! Too funny, and QW is sooo right!

Posted by: oddybobo at May 5, 2006 11:30 AM


Posted by: Carmen at May 5, 2006 12:04 PM

That's great!! You are so gonna burn in Hell, though ;-)

Posted by: Barb at May 5, 2006 10:31 PM

Why do I get the feeling that these stories are going to be re-read to you as you stand at the Pearly Gates?

And then the trapdoor to Hell button will be pushed.

Posted by: Jerry at May 5, 2006 11:54 PM

LOL!! Damn, I think my parents need a refund for all the tuition they paid sending me to catholic school. The nuns never taught us anything like that!;)

Posted by: azindiandoll at May 6, 2006 04:37 AM


Posted by: Seth at May 6, 2006 12:26 PM

From the book of T1G, no doubt..... taht Rolling Rock has kilt your brane, dood!

Posted by: marcus at May 6, 2006 04:01 PM

From the book of T1G, no doubt.....that Rolling Rock has kilt your brane, dood!

Posted by: marcus at May 6, 2006 04:02 PM

unce....tice....fee times a mady....

Posted by: marcus at May 6, 2006 04:02 PM

Holy Crap! I cannot quit laughing! You are SO going to hell, but I can't wait to hear your rendition of it when I meet you there!

Posted by: Bou at May 6, 2006 06:30 PM

Holy crap... Dude, I think you just took over the driver seat on the charter bus to hell from me.

Posted by: Contagion at May 7, 2006 09:52 AM


(Wish I'd written this post!)

Posted by: zonker at May 7, 2006 01:22 PM

"On the rocks! Schmuck! Walk on the rocks!"

Posted by: Elisson at May 7, 2006 09:17 PM