A Shiny New Year

I'm soon to be running out to party at Fritz's, but I've been feeling a bit off, so right now I'm hanging out with the best Gottdamned bartender from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine... or even Portland, Oregon. Yep, Lloyd. Lloyd and his words of wisdom...

You may not realize this, but "The Shining" is actually a great holiday movie for me. I didn't include it on my list of Christmas movies, but it does take place in December, around the middle of the month. However, I consider it a New Year's movie. Oh, I know... Jack's gone by then (or is he), and Wendy and Redrum are back to safety, but it still says "New Year's" to me.

WTF, you ask? The trigger is the picture and music at the end. "But the picture says 'July 4th Ball / 1921,' and the tune is 'Midnight, The Stars, And You.' How do you get 'New Year's' from that?" Bear with me, as I take you on a road less travelled. It might make all the difference...

First, the pic. It's black and white. This says "old." It's a picture of a ball, alongside pics of other galas. As I look at the pic, and hear the tune (which is a recording from 1932...), I think of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, as well as other stars of the black and white films. Most of the movies that we watched as I was growing up, had a holiday theme. For the better part of 8 years, we watched little television or movies, except around this time of year. So... I look at the picture, and see, in the background, Fred and Ginger, singing along to "Auld Lang Syne." The scene that seals the deal is when Jack is stalking through the halls, and follows the sounds of music towards the Gold Room... he comes to a hallway filled with balloons and strewn with confetti. New Years. I'm telling you, New Years...

Now, whenever I hear "Auld Lang Syne," I kinda chuckle to myself as I can hear Jack say, "Darling. Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya.... You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the f#%k in. Ha, ha." Again, I'm aware that the closing music is Midnight, The Stars and You... "Auld Lang Syne" is the tune that should have been in there. I think it fits... Mr. Grady, Lloyd... Jack knows them. Even though he has forgotten, he hasn't forgotten.

In case you were wondering, I haven't forgotten, either. I've gotta get down to Fritz's.

Happy New Year to you all!

Another Friend of Bou's

Figures that Tropical Storm Zeta would form while the Anti-'Cane is laid up in the hospital.

Mother Nature does have a sense of humor.

Jack

A wife who cries and screams all the time...
A boy who's invisible friend "lives in my mouth," but talks through his index finger...
Being stuck with these two loonies, away from civilization, for the winter...

Methinks Jack Torrance was a man misunderstood.

Odd Thomas

Last year, I was privileged with the opportunity to make the acquaintance of Odd Thomas. Yes, Odd is his proper name... he had some very messed up folks. A very interesting guy, is he... he sees the dead, and they seek him out. Now, I only got to spend a couple of days hanging out with him, but I thought the guy was very cool.

This year, thanks to my mother, I was able to hang out with him again... get to know him even better. You can't help but like him. Talking about dreams, he said, "My dreams aren't reliably prophetic. I have never, for instance, ridden bareback on an elephant, naked, while having sexual relations with Jennifer Aniston." When I asked if he knew my dreams, he assured me that it was one of his own. And I thought I was the only one that had that dream...

In case you haven't clicked on any of the links that I so kindly provided, Odd is a character brought to us by Dean Koontz. Some very good books. The new one, Forever Odd, was gifted me by my ma. I read it in one morning.

If you need some good reading, check them out.

Lightning Alert

A concerned reader alerted me to this bit of blasphemy.

Some jackass has changed his name... to mine.

I'm thinking there's going to be an ass whoopin'. There's barely room for two of us, let alone this lunatic.

H/T Tammi

Jukin', Jivin', and Wailin'

Last week, Boudicca told of getting an eyeful of crack, from a lady shopper, and asked us if we thought she was over exposed showing plumber's crack. I commented then, but thought of writing up my own "how to" post. Now, I see Harvey has responded to her question with a post titled "Drop a Pencil In It."

Well, the plumber's crack being discussed is that of a woman. Personally, I don't care for ANY plumber's crack. Even if it is that of a hot woman... It's not sexy. Anyway, reading that called to mind how I helped to cure a case of chronic crack.

I used to work in the local hardware store, and the owner and his wife ran the place. At the time, he had another job, so she and I would look after the store until he finished. Then, he and I would finish up the day.

During the day, he would stop by occasionally, and everytime he came in, he had a major league plumber's crack going. His wife would harp on him all the time to pull his pants up. We started making jokes about it being the slot for a jukebox... drop a quarter in, and make him sing. Eventually, I was dared to do just that.

It was mid-winter, and not the usual tropical temps that we have here in Northern Illinois. So I took a quarter, and lay it on the metal stripping of the storefront window until he came in. That coin had frost on it.

Sure enough, when he walked in, he had the usual show going on, so as she started talking to distract him, I dropped the quarter down the slot. Not only did he sing, but he danced, too! She had to run to the bathroom, she was laughing so hard!

I guess it could go without saying, but he never came into the store showing ass again...

The Workout

Of my family, I'll say that my sister has probably got the quickest wit, The Perfect One has all the looks, youngest brother R has mechanical abilities like you wouldn't believe, and I... well, I'm the oldest, and would like to think that I'm the strainer that got out all of the impurities for the rest of them. Anyway, this post is about my sis, and my nephews' newfound "toy." She thought quick, but I wonder how deep the scars may be...

My bro-in-law's family has a pretty big Christmas. They also do a "White Elephant" style gift giving. The Knuckle Dragger got a gag gift to bring. It was a little electronic device that helped to determine certain positions. I tried to find it online so that I could link it, but I don't have all the info I need. I even checked on Spencer's (where they got it from) website, but it isn't under any category... not that I found, anyway. The thing suggested positions of the Karma Sutra... and my nephews discovered it. The eldest being 7.

They asked my sis about it, and she quickly told them that it was to help people exercise. This was based on the figures found on the device. One white, one red. Meanwhile, they keep playing with it. It lands on one position with one figure bent over at the waist, the other "standing" behind. They asked her about it, and she responded that the figure was doing toe touches. When asked why the other was behind them, she explained that sometimes people need help when doing toe touches, so that they don't fall over on the floor.

Next they asked about one sitting on another figure's "stomach." She explained that it was a different way of helping someone do situps, whereupon my youngest nephew suggested that she do some of these exercises with him. She was crying, she was laughing so hard.

They did not get rid of the thing at the party... in the end, my sis ended up bringing it back, much to the boys' delight. They found it right away, and started playing with it again. The Knuckle Dragger overheard them playing... "You be the white one, and I'll be the red one." Looking into the other room, he saw one on all fours, with the other kneeling behind him, extending the leg of the one on the floor up into the air. Both were remarking about how tough these exercises were. Thank Gott that they didn't have a camera handy...

As it is, methinks someone's going to be a little suprised in a few years...

How To Solicit Business

Suppose you're driving along, and you notice a guy up in front of you... seems a bit out of place. You look again, and you realize that the reason things look wrong, is that he's gliding alongside traffic. Further investigation reveals that he's actually on roller skates, trying to solicit his business.

I pulled up next to him, and found he's a lawyer... a divorce lawyer. Even though I've never been married, and I certainly won't need his expertise, I'm impressed with the guy. Especially when I look down at the speedometer, and he's keeping pace at 60 mph! Certainly the ultimate in ambulance chasing... but wouldn't you hire the guy?

Any of you lawyers out there want to take this great idea, go for it. It's free. But don't hold me responsible for those of you who may end up as roadkill. Just remember it's something that I dreamed up, and had to write down before it's brilliance faded off into the night.

Naughty or Nice

My personal e-mail hasn't been working the best lately... my sister had sent me an email that I wished I would have seen last week. I think some of you parent's may have liked it. Nevertheless, you can always keep it in mind for next year.

Hey, Joe!!

There is a website, claus.com, that you can go to to check your status on Santa's Nice-O-Meter and see if you made it on Santa's nice list. Of course, the boys and I checked to see how we rated, and you can check back later in the week to see if you moved up the list at all. Then they wanted to look you up.

Joe Lastname

"Nice-but with a few naughty marks. Neatness needs improvement. Behavior has been good sometimes, not so good other times. Manners could still use some attention. Was very nice last Monday...."

The boys kept on giggling. They think you need to work on a few things and had better check back later in the week to see if you moved up any on "the list"....

See ya Sunday!

Joe Lastname

Overall, niceness outweighs naughtiness. Was good a lot last month! Politeness often good, but has room for improvement. Could help around house more instead of watching so much TV. Expected to move even higher up "nice" list.

Helping Again

Funny, but I've discovered that I'm one of the top hits for "Kyle Orton Drunk Pictures"... not sure where that came from, other than to say that I'm not an Orton hater. He played well with what they entrusted him with, as far as playcalling. Now that Rex is back for a few games, it's a whole new offense, and I guarantee that the Bears make it past the first round of the playoffs. (It's a joke... they have a first round bye.)

For those of you looking for the "Drunken Kyle Orton Pics", let me direct you to this post by The Backer, or to here (look up "Kyle Orton Drunk! (10-04-2005)" on the gallery selection), from Pete McMurray.

Personally, I don't know what the big deal is with him being photographed drunk. Hell, I've had a drunk pic or two taken myself. But, Hey, anything to help folks out.

Moron

This week's Moron of the Week is up at Samantha Burn's place.

I haven't a clue on this one... head over, check it out, and take a guess at the Medusa lookin' silhouette.

The Start of The Holidays

Long ago, right around this time of year (give or take a month or twelve), a married couple made their way into Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Unfortunately for them, there was a huge convention in town, and all of the hotels were full up. One of the managers allowed them to stay in the barn behind his inn. This was probably a good thing, as the woman, Mary, was preggers, and about to pop.

How she got in that condition, is another story, altogether. She was a Virginian, and apparently that makes it hard for one to become pregnant. I don't know how, but it's fact.

Back to the story, when the couple had made their way into the barn, and were bedding down for the night, there was a tremendous crash. In their time, they believed that the sky had fallen. We know today that a huge meteor had smashed down, sending dust, debris, and small animals into the sky. It would be a little over a week before the sun was visible again.

In the meantime, Joe, the guy, pulled out his flashlamp. Murphy's Law in action, he had only fuel enough for 1 day. However, his lamp continued to burn for 8 days... a true miracle.

While they were hunkered down in the barn, displaced bands of Sleestacks were prowling the streets. With their keen sense of smell, the locals were fearful of attracting their attention, so they refused to eat during the day. At night, when the Sleestacks had returned to their caves, the people feasted with their newfound friends, Ta, Sa, and Cha-ka. This continued for forty days, until the Sleestacks were able to return to their Lost Land.

During all of this, Mary gave birth to a little boy, who she wrapped in a blanket, and lay to rest in a manger. He was the son of Gott, a fact made immediately clear when the first piece of hay jabbed into his newborn skin... suddenly, there was a brand spanking new hotel in the barn's place, and a huge Wallmort alongside for convenient shopping. A large man was standing outside, ringing a bell, and stuffing his face.

It was quite the event, and though people have taken different things to remember and celebrate, it's still remembered and cherished to this day.

"Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Ramadan, or Kwanzaa" to all of you.

Visiting

I'm not much of a talker. Really. I'm not pulling one of Contagion's "I'm shy" stunts. I just don't like talking much. However, every now and then, it's good to sit and visit.

Yesterday evening, I had the privilege of visiting with Laughing Wolf, at one of his local brew pubs. Later in the night, I got to speak with another very interesting fellow, as we passed a bottle back and forth. Once you got past the cloven hooves, the horns, and the wolflike face, he was a great guy. He said something totally brilliant... I awoke so that I could memorize it. Unfortunately, I went back to sleep, where the words of wisdom escaped back into my subconscious...

This evening? Before I embark on the Holly Jolly IMathon, I'm going to drink the squeezings of innocent Christmas trees, in a ritual celebrating Der Tannenbaum, and the spirits of sharing. The bartender and I have stashed a bottle of Sapphire away, and plan on granting it freedom from it's beautiful blue bottle... one tumbler at a time.

It will be a time of much visiting... and happiness.

Back

Was gone for the day...

Can you guess where I was?

Laughing Wolf

So Far Behind...

I'm looking through my desktop, and it's a frickin' mess. A direct result of the Fog that I drunkenly tried to describe. I start posts, and then just stop. I save them, and their numbers grow. If I didn't know better, I'd swear my Wordpad files were spawning faster than something that spawns really fast.

The worst thing about these aborted posts? Not only are they kinda lame, but the point at where I decided to save is ridiculous... mid-sentence for most, but a few are mid-word. (Not Squidward.)

I've gotta get my shit together...

Drunken Chatting

For anyone interested, Bloodspite and I will be hosting a Yahoo Instant Messenger Holiday Blog Fest!

We'll start around 8:00 pm, Friday.

If you want to join in, and you don't have our IM's, we'll send them to ya if you ask. None of this mind reading crap...

Should you not have Yahoo IM, and wish for it, Santa can get it for you early, here.

A Pointer

May I direct your attention over to the sidebar, top... where it says, "click... Fritz Fest 06 info."

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If you're not coming, don't tease yourself. If you're going, or interested, do as it says. You'll be magically transported to another blog, another time. But watch for the dinosaurs...

If you're wavering, Omnibus Driver has posted why you should be here.

Fog

Sometimes, I hate this.

Clarity comes and goes. Fades in and out, like a mirage in the desert. Clouded thoughts roll across the plains of reason, blocking out all enlightenment. Anger the mantle beneath the crust of understanding, forcing the steam that feeds the clouds. Anger at what? Bah... it matters not. What matters is that anger is not a part of the core.

In the immediate world, focus is found, though elusive. The big picture, however, is hazy. A fargin' blur. Perhaps some transcendental Visine would clear this up... allow me to see over and through the clouds. I doubt it.

I live in a fog.

Football Sacrilege

Why would a Bears fan choose the Packers to win a game... especially last night's game? That's damn near blasphemy. However, it involves quite a bit of respect for their QB, Brett Favre, and his ability to change the course of a game. USUALLY for the good of his team. Never again...

Packers over the Ravens? Should be a cakewalk... not. I was just a bit off thinking that. Baltimore barely squeaked past Green Bay, 48 - 3. It's a sad, sad day, when a Bears fan says that the Packers let him down. Jackasses.

Now Ogre's in the lead in our Pick'em Pool.

Christmas Movies

It appears that Lee Ann, of Lee Ann's View, is worried about people running out of memes, so she's decided to make up her own... a Christmas meme. The gist of it is "name five movies that you love, that say 'Christmas' to you." Of course, then you're supposed to smack 5 other poor bastards with it.

Since I'm such a painfully nice guy, I'll go along with it.

1. "The Sound of Music"...

While not exactly a Christmas movie, it's easily a favorite. My grandfather emigrated from Germany after the Great War, and we would watch this over at his house. It reminded him of home, and he'd sometimes tell stories about home. I still love this. And besides, Captain von Trapp ends up bagging a would-be nun. That's just awesome! (Did you know that when Paramount first bought the rights to the von Tropp Singers' story, Audrey Hepburn was their choice to play "Maria"? She declined. Probably a good thing, because as bad as nun fetishes can get, she'd have raised the bar to incredible levels...)

2. It's A Wonderful Life...

Just something about this movie that I love. Oh, I don't really care for the end when George is running down the street screaming "Merry Christmas, car! Merry Christmas, dog! Merry Christmas, streetlamp... I love lamp!" That part gets a little too hokie, but overall, with the memories of times together, this is a great movie.

3. A Christmas Story...

What is there to say about this movie, other than it's funny no matter how many times you see it.

4. Die Hard...

It may be an action movie, but it's also a Christmas action movie! Everyone knows that "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfu%#er" is the equivalent of "Merry Christmas," thanks to this movie.

5. A tie goes to Holiday Inn and White Christmas...

Essentially, the same story, with a few different twists. Biggest difference is Astaire is in the Inn, and Danny Kaye is in White Christmas. Obviously, the style of the musical numbers are going to be a tad bit different. Again, it's more about the memories of the family being together, but I enjoy the hell out of both... with the edge probably going to White Christmas.

Now comes the tagging part, which I normally would pass off. BUT... since she's just got it rolling, I'll tag Omnibus Driver (it'll give her something to smack me for when we meet in a couple of weeks), Contagion (because I hear he giggles like a little girl whenever he gets tagged... and I owe him one anyway), The Incredible Key Monroe ( just cause I think she's been waiting to do a meme), Christina (not to punish her for my lousy communication skills, but it gives me an excuse to send an e-mail...), and Redneck (just because I ain't ever tagged him for any of these stupid meme things...).

Moron

It's been awhile since I've linked it, but I always love the "Moron of the Week," from Samantha Burns. Sometimes for the moron themselves and her rant about them once they are revealed, but also for the comments.

She's got this week's Moron up. Head on over, check it out, and take a guess.

Da Bears

I get the chance to go to Bears games very rarely, so when the opportunity presents itself, I hop on it. Weather conditions be damned. This year, I've managed to catch two of them. Last year, once. The time before that was about three years ago. Weather-wise, the last four times haven't been Paradise.

Remember the game earlier this year, when Nathan Vasher returned a missed field goal 108 yards? It was a new NFL record, and I was there. The breeziest game I've ever been to, we were joking about flying my friend's daughter like a kite. As it was, the wind knocked her over into the next row of seats before I caught her. No lie.

The last time I was at Soldier Field before they renovated it, it poured rain most of the game. Hell, all I remember about it, is that Chicago won. I'll admit, I was cold and miserable for that one... water seems to make its way through the toughest defenses. But it was still just a thrill to be there.

Some of you may remember that I caught a game last year around this time. That was a noon game, and the temps kept going down. Down to about -9^o, depending on who you read at the time. There wasn't much of a breeze to be felt on our side of the stadium, but the air was moving. I've no clue what the windchill was... after you get below 0, it really doesn't matter that much.

Last night's game was technically warmer, but it felt worse... 9^o, with a windchill of -8^o. No sun to provide it's warmth. The wind was blowing fairly steadily in our faces. But none of us got very cold... we all know how to dress in temps like that. (No, Teresa, I wasn't a popsicle! :D) If you happened to see a person dressed in a mess of denim, blaze orange, camo, and leathers, it may have been me. Keeping warm isn't a fashion statement, although there were an awful lot of "pretty people" there. 'Course, they had to keep running inside.

Both cold weather games that I've been to, they've announced the temps and windchills. Both times, the crowd goes wild. You can only grin... only Bear and Packer fans would go ape over that! Okay, maybe Buffalo or New England. Maybe.

How was the game itself? Well, thanks to the defense, the Bears were able to stay in it until Rex Grossman started the second half. I'm not one of those that hate Kyle Orton... I think he's done a pretty decent job considering the play calling. However, he really messed up a couple of times, once a potential touchdown to a wide open Muhsin Muhammad. It was good to see Rex step in and move the ball.

One thing I'll give to Atlanta is that their rookie punter, Michael Koenen, kept pinning the Bears deep. He had some great punts, compared to Maynard of the Bears. Some of those kicks were just terrible. Last year, a friend and I heckled the punter from the Texans for some of the same kicks Maynard had. I kept my mouth shut, but it wasn't easy.

Mike Vick got smacked around a few times, and sacked twice, so I was happy. No, no, no.... I don't hate him. It's just a fact that when he gets smacked around, his passer rating goes to hell. And it did...

Great game, great time, great weather!

Baby

First comes the rubbing of the eyes. Next is the non-stop rubbing of the face against fabrics, followed by pathetic whimpers. Finally comes the tired crying and fit.

I'll post about the game tomorrow... I've got to get me some sleep.

Cacophony?

How goes it, folks from the land that "could not be found?" What's that all about, you ask? Well, if you're asking, then the problem is on my end, and not with Al Gore's brainchild. For some reason, most of you "could not be found." It appears that you bastards have all up and left me! And it's not just blogs, but almost every url I try. Every now and then I get through, but I've been trying each an average of 4 to 5 times... and many of them I just stop trying. My mood has swung in a big way.

It's led to an interesting mix for a Sunday morning. Yep... this morning has been a sonic kaleidoscope.

I awoke in a fairly good mood... see, this evening, I am going to a Bears game. Yeah. It's going to be frickin' cold, but I'll be sitting there at Soldier Field, watching Mike Vick hopefully get planted in the frozen turf, and sipping on beer slushies. Okay, that last part isn't so great, but it's part of being at a game in December. There I go, off track...

Anyway, when I started out on the internet early this morning, I was grooving to tunes from Ian Moore, Los Straitjackets, and the Maverick soundtrack . Good bluesy rock, a bit of country, and instrumental surfer rock... great way to start a Sunday morn. However, having the taunting "..... could not be found" message appear over and over changes the mood a bit. I opted for some good heavy rock... I pulled out Neurotica. While a great choice, it didn't combat the frustrations building over no access to some of my peeps.

As I got into the second hour of being told that everyone had left me, I decided to start everything all over again. This time, I couldn't even get my homepage to load... it could not be found. Luckily, I was able to reach my site, only to be denied once again when I tried others' sites. I decided to hold service... Psalm 69 was the subject, as Jesus built my hotrod.

After service let out, I almost literally threw in GZR and soon after, Misery Loves Co. I'll admit, that by now, I was almost happy when I couldn't get to someone's site. Good angry tunes...

Four hours... I decide I'm going to give up, when I'm able to get through to Amazon, and the idea for this post comes up. I've been walking around for about 10 minutes singing the closing bit of "Plastic" from Reveille... okay, screaming it. "YOU CAN GO F#%K YOURSELF!" Relaxing.

I've finally gotten through to my editing page, so I'm going to see if this works... if so, you'll read a bunch of crap. If not, you're spared. Either way, I've decided that I'm done. After I hit "Publish," I'm throwing in some Elmore James. Or maybe some Tori Amos... I can visualize her writhing on her piano bench. Mmmmmm......

Later, and have a good day.

Reading Assignment

Probably won't be around much today, or quite possibly EVER (after a couple of ill advised postings), so I'm recommending that you go over to Techography, and read Bloodspite's post about the walking drum.

Me think you like.

Walkering the Walk

Have you hunters ever had a really hard time draggin' a deer or other game animal out of the woods? I just read about a guy who impressed the hell out of me.

He shot a 290 pound buck, and dragged it out... using his walker. And that ain't all of it...

A Lesson

Suppose you are driving on an east/west road, and heading east. You see snow blowing across the road from your left. Quick: What direction is the wind coming from?

I bet you said North, right? Well, you would be wrong, my friend. West is the answer. Believe me.

I ran up to Rockford tonight to meet with the family for my Grandmother's birthday. Anyone who knows me knows that I'll always go by backroads. It probably wasn't the best of decisions this eve.

I ran into some drifting while on the east/west roads, but nothing more than about six inches in a couple of spots. Most of it was clear. But turn onto the north/south road, and what a frickin' mess. I hit a couple of spots where it was deep enough to drag the car... the undercarriage wasn't clearing the snow. And that was in the good spots.

I hit one area where the snow went over a foot deep... I was heading for the ditch before I managed to get it straightened back out.

Coming over a rise, all I could see was snow. I kid you not, it was all tire marks and cars. Three of them. I slowed as much as I could before hitting the edge of the drifts, and then just hung on, steering and countersteering. I have no idea how close I actually was to one of the cars, but she had her domelight on, and I could clearly see her eyes bugging out. She was bracing for impact. It would have been a head on collision... only she was on my side of the road, and almost in a field. I don't know how I kept from smacking into her, but I somehow I avoided it. Continuing on, I saw another couple of cars in the ditch, but my own ride was uneventful.

Got safely to the restaurant, and spent some time with the family. Heheh... that may well be another post. I tell you... I love the hell out of them, but... well, I love the hell out of them. After chowing, my youngest brother and I went Christmas shopping. 'Twas cool.

When I was about 9, I was told to do some extra chores. Rather than dress properly, I tossed some rubber overboots on (barefooted), and raced outside to do them, so I could come back in and watch TV. It wouldn't take long at all.

As I ran across the yard, I nearly missed stepping onto a two by four with nails sticking out of it. (Probably one of my aborted construction projects) I made sure to call Ma's attention to it, carrying on about "how close it was. I could have stepped on it.... blah, blah, blah." Once she knew that I had narrowly avoided death, I ran off to do my chores.

It only took a bit, and I finished. I was racing back to the house when I felt a sharp pain in my foot, and then a heavy weight. I looked down, and there was the board... stuck to me. I looked up, and there was Ma... glaring at me. I went to lift my foot, and the world swam. I was so stuck on that board, bandaids had nothing on it. Ma had to stand on it and lift me up. Let me say right now, I screamed. I screamed like a frickin' hog getting his nuts cut.

While I was dripping blood all through the house, Ma was right on my tail saying some gibberish about knowing the board was there, if I had almost stepped on it, why not pick it up before someone actually did, yada yada yada... But she had a point.. I knew there was something dangerous out there, and yet, I chose to ignore it. In doing so, it lept up and stuck me in the foot. Have I learned the lesson? No. Are you kidding?

I could have taken the highways home, tonight. It would have been bad, but not as bad as the country roads were. But no, I chose instead to head back down the same route I had taken before. I wasn't very far into the country when I saw two cars in the ditch. Hell, it was worse. But I charged onward. Two more vehicles in the ditches, but I moved steadily on.

And I made it. Safely. Again. And that is why I'll never learn that lesson.

There's a great amount of satisfaction in pushing the boundaries of Tard-dom and walking safely away. Sometimes it's riding in the rain and tornado warnings. Sometimes it's carrying on when you know you can't... but you do it anyway, and do it safely.

It's a lesson I keep in mind, but I don't apply. Heh... when I word it like that, perhaps I have learned it. I just spurn it.

Housewarming Party

As you've probably read, Tammi is going to be moving this weekend. She won't be able to get on the internet for a few days (remember... "she has no internet service"... see below), so TNT has proposed that we have a housewarming/comment party... leaving her gifts and other such things at this post.

I've been looking, and have only come up with a couple of things. I won't post a pic of the hands free, voice activated phone, because I just haven't decided on which model I should get. But I did come up with one thing...

Head on over, and join the party!

She's Okay

Oops... I was supposed to let you all know that Tammi is alive and well. She just has no internet service.

The truth be known, she snapped a bit after another weekend of not talking. She invaded Fritz's the other night just chattering away, making no sense at all. She hardly ever stopped to breathe. Fritz ended up calling the guys in the white coats. She's okay, but it will be a couple of days before she's "out" again.

Eric's Entry

Going to be kinda busy this fine and overcast day, so it's again time for that game. You know which one.

To entertain ourselves when we used to travel a lot, a friend and I used to come up with very strange stories following the formula found in Berenstains' B Book. We didn't stick to it totally, but tried to keep all nouns, adjectives, adverbs, and verbs starting with the same letter. Some of the letters work better than others, but I'm going to save my favorite for another time.

I'll kick it off, and feel free to follow in the comments. You don't need to use whole sentences... if you only can think of a word that fits, throw it in. No need to keep it clean. Repeat words are not a problem. Ready? Using the letter E:

"Egad!" exclaimed Ed, the extroverted engineer. "Elsie's eyeshadow looks like an explosion!"

Again, it's not a novel... characters may disappear and reappear at will. Just have fun with it!

Fritz's Update

In my overzealous attempt to clean out my mailbox, I deleted some of the emails that I had received concerning the meeting at Fritz's. Some of them, I hadn't saved the addresses of the senders. Out of sheer laziness, I set up another blog describing the meals available.

If you are one of those who are coming, please check in over there. I'll have all emails saved, and set aside for further communication.

Thanks.

Silent

I'm a quiet guy. It's a fairly well known fact. I don't go out of my way to meet people, but I'm happy as hell to join in a conversation that's been started. It's just me.

I've known some great folks, and in the last year, I've met some truly great people... many of them bloggers. Here at home, however, I don't visit much with anyone outside of Fritz's. As a matter of fact, I don't visit with anyone outdside of Fritz's period.

Today, I started shovelling my drive. It's a long haul, so I concentrated on just the area in front of the garage, and the end of the drive itself. I figured to charge through what was left... the car bottoms out, but you're safe as long as you keep rolling.

I just got home. The drive is totally spotless. Somebody took a snowblower to it all... someone nearby is cool as hell.

And I'm an asshole.

One Red Nose

I'm outside shovelling snow right now. Well, technically, I'm inside taking a break from shovelling snow. My back is starting to tighten up a bit from trying to remove all the snow from three counties from the end of my drive.

Don't get me wrong... I'll still take this snow. I love it. I just wish that I had a North/south wind going right now to clear out the drive. But I don't, so I'll be heading back out in a bit. Probably find myself getting pissed again.

"What's that you said? Pissed about the snow, when you said you love it?"

I said nothing about being pissed about the snow. No, it's the tunes I'm humming and mutilating while shovelling. You'd think I'd be whistling and humming Christmas songs... and I did start out that way. But from out of nowhere comes "99 Luftballons." WTF??? No matter what song I start out on, it ends up going right back to that one.

I have no idea where it came from, but, like the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants said, "It's driving me nuts..."

Buried

I'm buried like a pizza delivery man walking through an Overeaters Anonymous meeting...

5 Nuns...

So I take off for a couple of days, and find out that I've been tagged not once, not twice, but three times. All for the same meme... 5 Weird Habits. I have to assume that they're asking for personal habits, rather than images of religious attire. Maybe it's because I'm used to seeing them all of the time, but I couldn't find enough that were actually strange.

Since I have no weird habits, I'll just list a few you might be interested in.

Whenever doing the Hokey Pokey, I don't shake anything. Hell, I won't put anything in or out, either. Pisses folks off. Come to think of it, I guess I don't do the Hokey Pokey...

Like everyone's favorite rock star, I also whistle Christmas tunes year 'round. However, I usually do it on purpose... it's great to walk through an area, and come back a few minutes later, hearing someone else whistling the same tune. It's not limited to just Christmas tunes, though. Sesame Street, the Chicken Polka...

Nothing removes nose or ear hair like needle nose pliers...

I save all of my hair clippings, regardless of location, in a large garbage bag. I'm planning on making a felt hat. It's gonna rock...

I like to look for reasons to say that three women piled on top of me. And, "Oh look," three beautiful women DID! Of course, it was just for the meme, but who cares? I can still say it...

Another habit I have, is to not pass along memes, as I won't with this one. However, someday I'll suprise you all. Someday.

***Just discovered that my bro RSM has also called me out... without actually doing so. However that works. That kinda throws a different twist on that last habit. I mean, he's a handsome dude and all, but...

Fritz's It Is

Okay, my flock... for the Meet in January. (At Fritz's... on the 8th... don't tell me you've forgotten already!)

We are shy a couple of people. That's not including any maybe's, of which I've got a few. Plus, I'm thinking that there may be some others that might be able to make it. So I'm going to tell Fritz that it's a go... I'll send out an email next week asking what you might be interested in, as far as chow goes.

If you know of anyone else who may be interested, please let them know, and have them contact me using either my e-mail, or the comments for this post. Also, if for some reason you thought you weren't invited, the original invite was for anyone who was interested. Anyone. Hell, if I'd let Harvey show up, I'm obviously not being picky.

I'll keep you posted via email, and this blog, as to what's going down.

***If you're planning on coming, and you are bringing your spouse or a guest (s), please let me know! I need a fairly solid number.***

Home Again

Well, I made it back. As a matter of fact, I pretty much just got in the house.

The trip home was uneventful, causing me to nod off a few times. Heheh... I'm getting really good at that. I'd write an instructional manual on how to drive while sleeping, but the secrets are in the subconcious. I'd need to write in my sleep to be able to share them, and that hasn't worked too well. I'm trying, though. If I could just keep from falling out of my chair...

It's funny... I come back, and things get hectic, immediately. I've got a couple of job offers to look into. I get nothing while I'm looking, and now that I'm not really trying very hard, I get three places interested... while on vacation. Hopefully something pans out.

I was considering these job offers, and possible relocation for one of them, when a voice on a Slayer song found it's way through the cloud of thoughts. I was in between St. Louis and Springfield, Illinois at the time... and it's still stuck in my head.

I'm not one for lyrics, just the music. Oh sure, I know quite a few lyrics, but that comes later... the composition of the tune is usually the first thing that grabs me. Anyway, as I'm thinking, I hear a little girl's voice saying, over the music, "Mr. Gein, it's not fun anymore... I don't want to play anymore, Mr. Gein... Mr. Gein? Lemme out of here, Mr. Gein... lemme out... lemmmeeee oooouuuuttt!!!" Yeah, I've heard it before, but for some reason, this time it grabbed me. I started the track over again, and listened to the whole thing.

We sure know how to grow'em in this area. Ed Gein. Dr. Henry H. Holmes. John Wayne Gacy. Jeffrey Dahmer. Just a few of the winners I thought of as the song played. All from this area, give or take a couple hundred miles.

What the hell makes someone turn out like that? These were some incredibly sick puppies. Is it something about this area? Maybe it's the water. I don't know... it was just something to ponder.

I should be worrying about the jobs, but I'm doing that later. I've gotta hit the rack right now. I can hardly see straight. I'll post more later, as well as work on the e-mail letting all of you who plan on coming to the dealie in January know what's going down.

Oh, and I think I may know one thing that could have set those weirdos off... You know how I told you that "I pretty much just got in the house?" Yeah. I did. I pretty much just broke into my house. My housekeys? Somewhere other than here...

It's enough to piss a person off. Thank Gott I've got such a great disposition!

AW, Bloodspite, and Bible Studies

Just for you curious types... yes, Bloodspite and I did hook up with Army Wife yesterday. Very cool, folks... VERY cool. It was Bloodspite's first time meeting her, and while he may have been a little nervous at first, it turned out to be a very good time.

She showed up wearing leather, as one might suspect, with her being the Dominatrix of the Elves. However, it was a leather jacket... no cat suit or thigh high boots. But come to think of it... she never did show us how high those boots went up! :)

It was brought to my attention that some folks figured Bloodspite and I had been plastered when I wrote my last post (at ten in the morning)... hell, for the past few days. Nothing could be further from the truth. Really. Oh, we've had a couple of beers... I wouldn't think of lying to you. But with the exception of last evening, I've been thinking incredibly clear thoughts. That could be why that post was considered "strange."

Anyway, we managed to hook up about halfway between the two. Heheh... she had brought along Pink Ninja and Dash, so we spent most of the way down there looking for a McDorks with a playland. An inside playland, I should clarify. It was a little chilly for the little ones to be outside. Not having any luck, we decided just to meet anyway. It had a playground outside... poor Dash was devastated.

I thought it went pretty smoothly. As I said before, Bloodspite was a bit nervous, but after about an hour, he was able to carry on an actual conversation. Thank Gott, AW and I had met before... it might have been a very short get together.

Pink Ninja impressed us with a very powerful tornado kick, and an awesome leg sweep performed on a very dangerous "Caution: Wet Floor" sign. Later, when AW tried to suprise her with a lightning quick booger wipe move, Pink Ninja responded with an equally fast snot rag block and wiping hand wrist strike. We didn't even tease the little ninja after that.

Dash was a blast... the boy is always jumping. I helped to show him how to earn style points while performing his jumps. He's a very quick learner... very bright. And a bit of a prankster; he shoved Pink Ninja out the door, trying to get her in trouble. You should have seen the sparkle in his eyes.

Trying to keep on the whole wholesome theme going, and afraid that people might actually believe we were drunks, I brought my Bible along, and conducted a short Bible study. We mainly covered the Proverbs... Pink Ninja seemed fascinated with them. After my altar call, we parted ways.

It was a great gathering of very religious folks. A great time had by all. I think.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: If you ever get the chance to meet up with fellow bloggers, take it. Take it. You'll be glad you did.

Snow Update

Contrary to some people, I'm not sitting here in absolute warmth. Nope.

I got down here early Tuesday morning, and it was cool. No snow. I thought I must do something about that.

Today... snow. And cold. It's absolute heaven. With the exception of breaking ice in the dog's water bucket.

Tomorrow, I'll meet the Dominatrix of the Elves. Well, actually, I'll get to visit with her again... ggggrrrroOOOOowwwwllllll. She looked alot like Martha Stewart last time.

More later, my flock.

Gone

I heard a friend might need someone to ride shotgun for them, so I'm off.

Bloodspite sounded like he really needed the back up...

Maybe I'll run into some of you in my travels. If not, I'll see ya next week sometime.

The Show Goes On

I can get so confused... I thought this show had been already running. For a long while. It just wasn't funny.

It must just be deja vu... Al Sharpton wants his own sitcom.

The Weekend

Well, that was a very good weekend. At least around here. Contagion and I kicked it off around one on Friday with a trip to Hooters... for the buffalo wings and shrimp, of course. We were also able to partake of some very small glasses of Guinness. A pleasant little excursion.

Friday evening, we ended up meeting at Fritz's, where he got to watch the locos locals in action. He seemed to enjoy himself, as he fit right in with the rest of the patrons. Contrary to popular belief, we were NOT drunk when we decided to leave. We were able to carry ourselves out just fine.

Saturday was a big game... Navy and Army squared off in their annual contest. A couple of my favorite bloggers were tracking the game, so I got a kick out of reading those for a bit. As most already know, Navy ran over Army.

Saturday was also a day of snow... finally.

Yesturdee, was another big game... the Packers vs. Da Bears. I've been told that I'm a closet Bear fan because I didn't wear my Hampton jersey to the bar. So be it. Being a closet fan doesn't change the exhilaration of the Packers surrendering to the Bears. That only topped the day off... I got to spend time with some good friends, drinking good beer. That's almost heaven, flock.

All in all, it was an almost perfect weekend... the only low spot was being informed that a certain spouse, of a certain person, is going to kick me dead in the third leg the next time she sees me. With intent to remove. That's got me a little shook up.

Needing A Sales Job

Below is a rough copy of my resume. Please read it, and then answer my question at the end. Thanks.

Purpose: A secure position that will utilize my problem solving strengths as well as my mechanical attributes.

WORK EXPERIENCE
The Big Blue Weenie. - Rockford, IL 04/00 - 09/05
(Deleted Because of friends still in employ)
Hand grind tooling
Set coiling machines for runs
Inspection
Blue print reading
Member of the Advisory Committee.

USMC 12/91 - 01/94
Mortar Man
Vehicle Commander
FDC Chief
Mechanical
Utilized a transit (optical instrument for sighting mortar gun line)
Leadership qualities furthered developed
Honorably discharged at an E3 rank. (Lance Corporal)

Beloit Corporation -Beloit, WI 01/88 - 12/91; 01/94-07/99
Assembly Mechanic
Blue Print reading
Cleaning, deburring and assembly of paper manufacturing machinery
Set tolerances for reinstallation
Extensive travel to meet job deadlines
Set bearings
Built/rebuilt gear cases and differential cases
Worked according to specs to insure proper manufacturing
Rebuild and reinstall of existing machines, with new installation when necessary

EDUCATION
A Small Christian School - Beloit Wisconsin - graduated 1985
Continuing Education:
Blackhawk Technical Institute: Shop Math, Blue Print Reading
Rock Valley Community College: Basic Welding, Set up and Operation of Manual Mills, Set up and Operation of CNC Mills, Set up and Operation of both Manual Lathes, Set up and Operation of CNC Lathes, Maint & Troubleshooting, CNC Programming

Skills and Traits
Good computer skills, print reading, strong self motivation, loyal, highly organized. Take pride in quality product. Strong attention to detail. Good work ethic.

References available upon request.

So you've read it...

Please tell me, where does it say anything about sales or marketing?

So far, most of the interest generated from my resume has been for sales and/or marketing postions. I've even had a few offers to be a public speaker... WTF???

I'm not the guy you want up in front of people, unless you're planning on laughing alot... and it ain't because of any comedic values. I'm just not good in front of folks.

I'll never figure out how this crap works...

Hey Der, Bloggers

New sputterings below

Okay, folks. Very impromptu... short notice... out of the blue.... whatever. An idea has come up, and I'm going to need numbers, solid numbers, so I can line things up, or shoot them down.

Sunday, January 8, 2006. Fritz's Wooden Nickel, Stillman Valley, Illinois. Normally closed on Sundays, I CAN GET THE BAR. Northern Illinois, Southern Wisconsin, Eastern Iowa, Western Indiana... doesn't matter where you're from, if you're interested, let me know, either in the comments, or by dropping me an email. I'll work up directions if this works.

Time is probably going to be around noonish, unless I get too many suggestions to go later. Grub? Yes. Cost per person is going to be between 10 and 14 bucks. That's chow and gratuity. Drinks? Not included, but of course they'll be available. What's for chow? That is to be determined. Let me know what you like for meats, I'll talk to Fritz and set something up. Most likely, this is going to be just a buffet.

This could be very interesting... a mob of bloggers descending upon my quiet little town. I may be forced to leave afterwards.

I'm going to leave this up until next Sunday. If you're interested, LET ME KNOW. If not enough are interested, I'll pull the plug. Plus, I'll know that you bastards don't like me... and I won't forget.

'Cane Poaching

Just a question for those Flouride people... you know, the one's with all of the hurricanes.

Hurricane season is over.

Hurricane Epsilon is out there... the fourteenth of the season. The season that's over.

Isn't that poaching of some sort? How do they assess fines for 'canes out of season? Who do they fine, and who doles out the fines? I'm very confused.

Cops And Fathers

Wednesday and Thursday, I was down in Champaign to watch my cousin graduate from Police Training Institute. The ceremony was a little long, but that's because there were over eighty in his class. Overall, it was a pretty cool thing to behold. I'm proud as hell for him.

While on my little trip, I learned a couple of things:

1. I keep my house way too cool. I was sweating in the hotel, but I couldn't turn the air on... it was too cold.

2. There were some lady officers that I wouldn't mind having rough me up and cuff me. Just no stuffing.

During the ceremony, a woman sat in front of us with her three very unruly kids. I realize that kids will be kids, but damn... these kids went above and beyond. They were terrors. And she wouldn't settle them down. Not even a threat.

Come time for the presentation of the certificates, all of the new officers lined up along the side and back walls. The loudest of the hellions stood up on his chair, and watched as they lined up. I could see he was frustrated and probably looking for his dad. After looking them all up and down, he yelled at his mother, "I can't even tell which one of them is my real dad!!!"

She looked very nice in that shade of red.

Slugocity

My brain feels runny today. Well, runnier than usual. So I'm just sitting here, moving no faster than needed, until I deem it safe. Gott only knows when that will be. Oh no, my flock, I'm not hurting too badly, but I feel the pain is there, lurking. Waiting for me to be an idiot. I've got the patience... I can wait it out.

I've even taken to taunting the hiding hangover... I'm listening to an album that I'm pretty sure only a few have ever heard: Fudge Tunnel's Hate Songs in E Minor. Also known as Fudge Tunnel's First Movement. (Now that's some funny shit, right there.) Good tunes, folks. The volume is increasing, as is the urge to bang my head, but I will resist. I think that if I were to start banging my head, I'd have to mop something up.

Speaking of obscure, I was wondering how many folks might happen to know where these lyrics come from... of course, without the aid of a search.

The Doctor looked at my eyes
"No trace of insanity.
Maybe the time is right now
to have a visit from the family.
I'm thinking of your Mother...
What does my little patient say?"
I should have taken his stethoscope
and then forced it down his throat.
My Mother was at stake,
So I behaved.

Heheh... I see this went over like a Led Zeppelin! Don't worry, I'll do it again.

Anyway, for those interested, the artist was King Diamond, the album Conspiracy, and the song was "Lies."

Better luck next time! :)

Shopping And Saving The World

Christmas shopping... I hate it, usually. But I've got to say that today's venture was quite the success. I felt good about the day in general.

What all did I purchase? Not a gott damn thing. Nope. Nothing. Well.... I lied. A Hooter's calendar was purchased as a gift. For me. So nothing actually was bought for my loved ones.

However, I deem it a success, as Contagion and I managed to alleviate a temporary overstock of Guinness in a certain local eatery. (Like you need to guess...) We were the heroes of the day, saving countless lives from the swirling rivers of Guinness. We might even make the paper tomorrow.

Then on the way home, I popped in a CD that my bro-in-law, The Knuckle Dragger, gave me. I was serenaded by Steve Souza, Gary Holt, Rick Hunolt, Jack Gibson, and Tom Hunting... Tempo Of The Damned, indeed. My fricking thumb is just starting to regain flexibility after I beat the everloving piss out of it playing air guitar on my steering wheel. Exodus still rocks, my peeps.

A good day it was, and it ain't over, yet.

A Letter

Vince,

Hey, man, how goes it? Not too bad here. Just getting ready to lose money that I don't have on crappy Christmas presents. I'm seriously thinking about converting to a religion that doesn't believe in any type of celebrations during the month of December. One that won't require me to do any type of missionary work, such as door to door witnessing.

How's Jennifer doing? Nah, I'm not still mad at you for walking off with her. That was her choice, so I'm okay with it. You've gotta be flattered... your sense of humor winning out over my incredible good looks. Well done, my friend.

Listen, Jennifer is the reason I'm dropping you a line. I see that you got pulled over in Phoenix, and were given a sobriety test. Normally, that's not a big deal. Happens all the time to folks. BUT, SHE WAS RIDING IN THAT VEHICLE! You were driving a national treasure around, and you're impaired... not smart, bro. Not smart at all. Sure, you were let go, but dude... that's eye dotting material. Don't be a frickin' idiot.

Well, I suppose I'll close this for now. I imagine you've heard an earful from everyone else, and deservedly so... just don't make me come out there and dot your eye.

Take care, and I'll catch ya at the big Christmas bash next week.

That 1 Guy

Hmmmm............................

Wow... I can' still type.