January 25, 2008

My Way

There are many ways to skin a cat. The important thing to remember is that you end up with a worthless pelt and a dead cat, no matter how it's done.

I could stand to remember that.

October 22, 2007

Knot

Ever been told not to wear a hat indoors? It's considered bad manners... that's one of the reasons we're told this. There's another reason...

Self preservation. Sans hat is a chance for life. With hat? Well... chances are that you won't see the very solid, very unforgiving, very immovable shelf protruding from the wall at eyebrow level.

September 12, 2007

So You Know

Fingers are not meant to bend sideways.

July 13, 2007

For AW

Hi, everybody! Today is a very special day! Yes... that's right! It's Friday the 13th! But even much more specialler, it's AWTM's birthday! I think that almost everybody knows that she loves recipes, so Tammi is hosting a Birthday/recipe party.

Folks don't know it, but I can, and don't, cook. Here's one of my favorites:

Bread

You'll need to have the following:

Water
Barley
Hops
Yeast
A large kettle
A fermentor
A carboy
Thermometer
Hydrometer

If you need to run out and purchase any of this equipment, you can save time and steps. Hell... I recommend that all of you do that anyway. Ignore my recipe, run out to your local package shop, and pick up some Guinness... just keep in mind that a six pack is only a half of a serving.

Speaking of serving, if you've done all steps faithfully, the finished product should look like so:

Mmmmm... and good for your heart, too!

Happy Birthday, AW!!!

June 25, 2007

Lifting

An unsolicited bit of advice:

Do not pick up a military regulation size footlocker packed with books. Or if you do, don't do it a second time.

I'm off to chug some beers...

January 06, 2007

A Tip

Sooo... you're sitting there in the restaurant, and a cute little girl at the table next to you takes off, ignoring the adults with her. "Sit down and eat," "get back here, and leave them alone!" She comes over to your table, gives you a smile and a shake of her pony tail, and leans on your table.

"Get back here, and leave them alone!!!"

You look at the adults, and say, "Oh, she's alright. She's a cutie... how old is she?"

Do you realize how close to death you are? Do. Not. Ever. Do. That.

My cousin's kid about got someone wiped out tonight...

August 07, 2006

A Tip

When grinding metal parts, it is wise to either keep very good track of which parts were just ground, and which pieces have been sitting for awhile, or let all pieces cool before handling.

Another tip: Should you fail to do the above, soak the burn in cool water, then apply aloe or an antibiotic ointment.

June 25, 2006

Movie Night

Last night, my cousin had me over for a movie night. Got over there to discover that they had Chinese food, and pizza, ready to be devoured and washed down with ice cold beeah. Hey, it may be rough, but I figured I could help out by getting rid of some of that stuff for them. After chow, we sat down to watch a couple movies, one of which came highly recommended. Hah.

Here's a tip... do not ever watch "Syriana." Seriously. That has got to be one of the worst movies ever. And I'm not saying that because of the leftist lean of the movie. Hell... I don't care about that. The story itself sucked dog balls. The scenes jumped back and forth at an insane pace, and it took almost the whole movie to tie everything completely together. It was a waste of time, talent, and energy. The fact that Amanda Peet was in the movie didn't even help... and that's bad.

Supposedly, there is a message to the movie, but about all I could get out of it is that our government plays Gott with the Middle Eastern nations, even to the extent of taking out innocent leaders. And because of our interference, good people are driven to turn to terrorism. They aren't bad folks, they just have nowhere else to go.

If you got something else out of it, cool. I won't be watching it again to try and interpet anything else.

After shaking off that crap, we salvaged the evening watching Kate Beckinsale in Underworld: Evolution." Ah... now there was a story I could follow! Not to mention that Beckinsale's character looked pretty good:

Especially, from behind.... yeeeoowwww!!!

Tonight, I'll be going back over there... we're going to watch a documentary about The Flora-Bama, a roadhouse that used to sit on the Florida-Alabama state line. Sounds pretty interesting.

This may be my last post until I get home on July 4th, but I'll do my best to keep up with everyone. Keep stopping by... I'm sure there will be some new content in the meantime, thanks to the baby sitters: Eric, Harvey, RSM, and Zonker.

June 24, 2006

Deficiency

Yesterday was my aunt's birthday, so my cousin and her hubby took us all out to eat at a local restaurant. The place was excellent... Circles at Lands End is what it's called. Great food, great atmosphere, and a great view. Beautiful place.

We got our drinks and ordered appetizers. I couldn't hear what was ordered, but I just knew it would be tasty... the plates going by all looked so damn good. After a short wait, the appetizers arrived, and I had an epiphany... complete with a heavenly chorus. I figured out what is wrong with a large percentage of you folks.

It was only a few years ago that I learned about geophagy, or the eating of dirt or clay. A good friend of my cousin swore by the soil where she came from in Alabama. I was speechless... but after checking it out, I found out that it's not uncommon. Hell, it's even a traditional practice in some places.

Not to be confused with pica, which is the consumption of nonfood substances, with no nutritional value (paint chips, chalk, plaster...), there is a benefit to dining on dirt. Folks who feast upon earth have a deficiency... a mineral deficiency. Their bodies are craving these minerals, which makes the dirt taste even better to them.

It was this thought that was stuck in my head as I watched the ingestion of fungus by my family. And they were raving about it as they ate! Yeah... the appetizers were eggrolls with rather large chunks of jock itch, and then a plate of stuffed athelete's foot, covered with mozzarella. And, just because I'm a big boy, I did partake, earthy taste and all. Fortunately Unfortunately, the waitress ended up taking away my plate before I could finish it. Awww... damn.

"WHAAAT??? You don't like mushrooms, T1G??? Say it ain't so!"

'Tis so. It is well known that I have a problem with them. Very well known.

"You haven't had PORTABELLAS... you'd love them. Just like steak, they are!"

Yep... steak that's been rolled in the finest topsoil available. And yes, as of last night, I have had them. Certainly not gott awful, but definitely not deserving of the description of "good."

See, I have no deficiency, therefore, I haven't a need to consume strange things to get my vital nutrients. You mushroom lovers are the one's with a deficiency... and I'm thinking it's not all a mineral problem. Methinks that there is a teeny tiny short circuit somewhere in your parietal lobes. I'm not saying you're crazy... just that your brain is broken.

I wish that someday you all could be the epitome of health, like me and other eschewers of shroobies. But until then, enjoy your fungus.

*raises glass* "To your health..."

April 16, 2006

Barely Rising

Well, I've risen, but I've got to be honest, and say, "I wish I was dead." Damn, I'm hurting.

The past few days haven't been an excercise in wisdom. Thursday and Friday, I walked the steps of Lowden... Friday was to stretch out the sore calves from the day before. That was a brilliant move. Friday evening, Contagion and I set out to alleviate the Guinness overstock at Hooters. We finished up at his local watering hole, and I ended up crashing at his place. I slept well, but fast, waking only a couple of times, once to a vicious attack from his (actually, Ktreva's) cat. I woke up feeling a little shakey, but not too awful. Just weak. After watching a couple episodes of Spongebob, and having a quick breakfast, I headed home to catch at least 15 winks.

As soon as I entered my house, I had a feeling of "I know I'm supposed to be doing something, but I can't remember what." It quickly became, "I'm supposed to be somewhere..." I was focused on hitting the hay, when the phone rang. It was a friend, asking when I was going to head over to help build their deck. Aha! I told them to give me about forty five minutes or so, and I'd be right over.

I got there, and found that they had the frame of the deck finished (no, I wasn't that late), with about the only thing left being the deck boards and railings. Easy. I love doing this stuff anyway, but when it's at this stage, it's all gravy. Usually.

I was still feeling weak, and while walking on the joists, my legs began to shake... Add the constant squatting and standing, and my legs became worthless. Heh... when I tried to drop down to the ground between the joists, I ended up going through a lot faster than planned when my legs gave out. Got a pretty nice mark from that, even catching myself. I was lucky... my friend's grandfather stepped on a wrong board, and dropped through. He was a mass of scrapes and bruises. As a matter of fact, as I was leaving (after only a few hours), I heard he was being taken to the ER. Hopefully all is well with him. That's a tough old guy, and to have him suggest making that trip is not a good sign.

Contagion and Ktreva had come down to visit Tammi, so I ran over there to mooch some steaks. Sproingtagion had brought along some beer to try, so we went out on the stoop, and gave it a shot. Let me give you a tip, if I may: DO NOT TRY CAMO SILVER ICE HIGH GRAVITY LAGER!!! Trust Contagion and me. And if you don't, go ahead and Google it. Read the reviews. Not many are as nice as mine. "Swill made by evil people" is one phrase that I remember.

This stuff gives off a warning when you first open it... it stinks. Badly. Very badly. The first sip makes you shudder, but after that, you only have to worry about puking. High gravity, my ass... the stuff just seems to begging to be launched. I will say, by the time you hit the bottom of the can, it was tasting good, but that's only because you knew that the experience was about to be over.

Why would someone drink that? Well, because it's 9% alcohol, folks think it's a good quick drunk. When Contagion picked it up, he had hopes, but he knew that it most likely going to suck. You should always try new things, though, right? Yeah, but I'll tell you, it'll be a while before I do something like that again... not that today's pain has anything to do with that. It doesn't.

That can be chalked up to my incredible brightness...

April 10, 2006

A Tip

So how does one stay awake while on the road, when overly tired? Well, Altoids, gum, and tunes. (And, just between you and me, because some folks get a little worked up over it, Jolt cola.) Seriously. It works. Especially listening to the cool, cordial, croonings of Tommy Araya and the gentlemen of Slayer (new album rumored to be coming out in June... YESSSS!!!), and the smooth swinging syncopations of that masked nonet, Slipknot. High volumes are a plus...

Oh, hey... that reminds me. Since Harvey explained to us why he blogs, and provided us with a picture of himself (see below the fold), I've had a certain song going through my head, over and over... and over. While driving, I heard a different version, one I had forgotten about, but I think it fits the little freak better than the original. What think you?

February 14, 2006

Not Flattered

Here's a suggestion for those looking to win someone's heart: Don't look at your intended victim and then say that they should be flattered that you are pursuing them. Especially if you mean it.

What a frickin' turn off...

December 28, 2005

Jukin', Jivin', and Wailin'

Last week, Boudicca told of getting an eyeful of crack, from a lady shopper, and asked us if we thought she was over exposed showing plumber's crack. I commented then, but thought of writing up my own "how to" post. Now, I see Harvey has responded to her question with a post titled "Drop a Pencil In It."

Well, the plumber's crack being discussed is that of a woman. Personally, I don't care for ANY plumber's crack. Even if it is that of a hot woman... It's not sexy. Anyway, reading that called to mind how I helped to cure a case of chronic crack.

I used to work in the local hardware store, and the owner and his wife ran the place. At the time, he had another job, so she and I would look after the store until he finished. Then, he and I would finish up the day.

During the day, he would stop by occasionally, and everytime he came in, he had a major league plumber's crack going. His wife would harp on him all the time to pull his pants up. We started making jokes about it being the slot for a jukebox... drop a quarter in, and make him sing. Eventually, I was dared to do just that.

It was mid-winter, and not the usual tropical temps that we have here in Northern Illinois. So I took a quarter, and lay it on the metal stripping of the storefront window until he came in. That coin had frost on it.

Sure enough, when he walked in, he had the usual show going on, so as she started talking to distract him, I dropped the quarter down the slot. Not only did he sing, but he danced, too! She had to run to the bathroom, she was laughing so hard!

I guess it could go without saying, but he never came into the store showing ass again...

November 22, 2005

Holiday Help

Thought I'd give a repeat of an easy recipe, just in case you are tasked with bringing something to your Thanksgiving dinner, and you haven't a clue. I guarantee that you'll like it... or somebody will.

Cranberry Applesauce

2 cups water

2 cups sugar

2 oranges, peeled (obviously) and cut into small pieces

2 apples, peeled and cored (again, obviously) and cut into small pieces

2 cups fresh cranberries (whole)

Boil water and sugar for about 5 minutes. Mix in oranges and apples. Boil 15 minutes more. Add cranberries. Boil until berries start popping (between 10 and 15 minutes). Mash and store in quart jar, or serve.

Too easy. Again, if drinking, be aware that your reflexes will be slowed and you may get pelted with popping berries. They hurt.

I was going to make this, but instead, I've been tasked with slaving over the stove for something else. I've gotta bring the pop.

A Tip

Are you trying to lose weight on your thighs, but seem to have no success at all? Here's a helpful tip, and it requires very little activity.

When laundering your colored unmentionables, carefully place the leg openings over the agitator. Now deposit t-shirts and jeans on top. Follow the regular directions for laundering.

After the wash, you'll notice that the leg openings are now about 2 1/2 to 3 times larger that usual. As a matter of fact, you could probably put them around your waist, if you are into wearing wet bungies. Don't worry, it won't last once they're dried, being reduced to roughly twice the usual size.

Now, when you wear them, you'll feel the roominess, and trick yourself into thinking you've done a great job at toning up.

Make sure you do this to BOTH legs... especially if you're a guy. Ruining only one leg will make you feel as if you're recovering from elephantitis.

Why especially the guys? Uh... it's a matter of junk and it's positioning. Just sayin'.