August 31, 2004
Gettin' Ready for Winter; It'll Kill Ya
Yet another squirrel story, though this is tame. This one managed to cause a power outage, and traffic jam. Poor little guy. If you're going to go out, go out with a bang!
I was a little disappointed to see that it was a walnut that was found next to his charred remains. If it were a chestnut....
Chestnuts roasting on a power line,
electrons blasting through my toes
Make sure you try the Powerline Special this evening! I'll be here all week! Thank you, and Good Night!
August 30, 2004
Sanity Restored; Temporarily
I knew that the poem wasn't something our family made up (it makes too much sense ... scary, huh?), I just had no idea where it came from!
Contagion sent me his version, which has added verses, but is very similar once it hits the part I posted. Took a bit for others to answer, so I was beginning to think it was something from our area. But Boudicca and Johnny-Oh cleared that up for me.
So now I know it's not a regional thing. Just got to wondering where/when/who did it come from? Harvey sent me this link to help out. It helps out alot, and shows some of the variations of the poem. I like the intro found in this section.
And, Boudicca, if Toluca Nole does come up with some more info, please send it to me. I know it sounds strange, but I'm just a little curious about how this thing evolved and spread around!
A 12 Step Program: Marines Anonymous
My cousin sent me this the other, and I thought it hilarious! Mostly because some, and just some, apply!
12 STEP PROGRAM FOR RECOVERING MARINES - MARINES ANONYMOUS
1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery.
-Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400: it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).
-Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it. - I still catch myself calling hats "covers," and restrooms are still "heads." One night at the pub, the need to break the seal became unbearable, so as I stood up, I told my friend, "I've gotta hit the head." He stood up, too, looking around. Thought I was about to get into a fight!
-"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of
right now, try "um". -I don't use the word much in public, but there is a stage when drinking... well, the bar owner's wife usually sits back, starts grinning, and announces, "Now you can tell he was a Marine!"
-Grunting is not talking.
-It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out." -But I still use "say again," instead of "could you repeat that."
-People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.-Who were you with? "2nd LAI, B Co., Weapons Plt." (blank look) "Rode around in LAV's, fired mortars out the back." (blank still) "LAV-M; light armored vehicle, mortar." (blank) "A Bradley tank on wheels!" Ooohhhh.
-Do not put creases in your jeans.
-Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
-A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
-A high and tight looks really dumb as well.-Does not!
-So does a low reg, but not as bad.
-A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
-You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.
-Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.-Air Farce girls are easy?! No wonder why we used to go up to Goldsboro! I always thought it was to make fun of the unsat bastards! Gawd, I'm an idiot!
-Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.-Knew a few.
-Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard. -Knew a few more.
5. Personal accomplishments:
-In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at
-Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about
people you have killed or seen die.
-How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
-The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.
-In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you."-This explains a few things! :) (j/k)
-That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
-That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.
6. Bodily functions:
-Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
-The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.-Never could understand these two. Although I did laugh about others doing it.
-You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.-I can, and I do. Cheers people up and makes them feel better!
-VD will also not be funny.
7. The human body:
-Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.-Never had a problem with this one.
8. Spending habits:
-One day, you will have to pay bills
-Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
-Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
-One day you will need health insurance
9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
-Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.-WHAT???
10. Real jobs:
-They really can fire you.
-On the flip side you really can quit.
-Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.-Nor can you threaten to take them outside. Some people just don't understand motivation.
-Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
-Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800
11. The Law:
-Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
-Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
-Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
-Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.
12. General knowledge:
-You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
-Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.And how!
-They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite. -Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time. -AMEN, BROTHER!
August 29, 2004
Wish I Were Here
This is a test. None of these are from last trip. They are from the previous trip two years ago.
I just signed up at Image Shack, and had to see how it looked.
The first was taken near the Wyoming-Montana border, the second just south of where we stayed in Newcastle (maybe 40 miles), and the last taken at Glacier National Park. Speaking of which, here are a couple pictures more.
Drogging Blunk: Three Tips
Though I've yet to do this, I would like to give tohse of you who would ber lead to blog while druinl, three tips.
1. If you're laugfhing while typiung, it ain't funny.
2. Always check teh next day to see what cooments you left at siblings blogs. Usually, upi will find a few screw ups. Sometimes, you will wonder, " did I type that?" U've made myself look like a liar more that once, and I don't even recognize what is there as being my ouwn. maybe it's not.
Hope yocv'e learne your lesson!
August 28, 2004
A Cry for Help
Ok, here's a strange one. Although you may be used to that by now. I need your help, because frankly, I'm going loony. One of those things that you can't figure out where it came from, and suddenly, you need to know.
Let me start this by asking that you don't cheat or anything. I still haven't tried to look it up. But it's killing me not to! If you know where this came from, you can e-mail me at email@example.com . Comments will be for all to wonder what the heck I'm talking about! After this weekend, I'll try looking it up to see if, yes, Virginia, T1G is a certifiable loon, or if it really truly is an actual thing.
Tonight at work, I had something pop into my head (in between "Puttin' on the Ritz" sung by Fred Astaire, and the other one .... was it Men Without Hats, or Taco, or whoever?) that drove me nuts, and also a few of my co-workers. I was running around asking if they'd ever heard this:
One very bright day,
in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back,
they faced each other,
drew their swords,
and shot each other.
A deaf policeman
heard the noise,
came and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man,
he saw it, too!
More than once, I got a look and a smirk. No one had ever heard of this. Yet, my family still quotes this all the time. There are three sets of cousins that are still very close, and most all of us remember some very strange things. This is a group that used to chant, (please remember, we were young... 10 or so) "Eat, eat, eat your meat! Or else I'll beat you on your seat" whenever my aunt had to tell us to get busy eating! Hell, we used to take our time eating, just so we could do the chant! :)
Anyway, though I'm sure that it was a pre-existing saying, I'm starting to wonder if maybe one of us didn't make it up. I'd swear that it's not an Eat Your Meat Clan original, but after all of the funny looks tonight, I'm not so sure. Bah, couldn't be! Of course, I do realize that the looks may have been along the lines of, "and this relates to your job, how?"
As I've said earlier, any help would be greatly appreciated!!!
August 27, 2004
We Care About The Kids
Teacher strikes. This is a bunch of crap. We have one going on right now in Machesney Park, north of me. Did you read that? Teacher's union and administration met for ten whole minutes without reaching an agreement or offering new proposals. Ooooooooo. Thank you for your time. Both sides!
Now, I'm not going into a whole rant about who is right or wrong. The main thing that get's me is that one of the most frequent lines you will hear during this crap is "it's all about the students." BULL! It's all about the money. Teachers want more, administration would like to keep more in their hands.
Last year, another school district in the area had a strike. It carried on long enough that the high school was not going to have a homecoming dance or anything. Football games were forfeit. The team was one of the favorites coming into the school year. Obviously, they got nowhere. Thankfully, (although I never cared about dances) another school in the area held the dance for the students. Kids were pissed off at both sides.
Looks similar to this year. Harlem is one of the NIC-9 favorites. Tonights game is forfeit. Hopefully this doesn't stretch out like last years mess.
The thing that sets me off is this: you guys had ALL SUMMER to work this out! While I understand that waiting for the school year to start is leverage, good leverage at that, it also makes it clear that you give not a damn about your students. Of course, you did meet all summer long. I forgot about that. Long strenuous meetings lasting upwards of 2, even 3, hours. I feel for you. You are all selfish asses.
My mistake, the school of last year, Hononegah, was not a favorite. Big things were expected of the team, however.
I couldn't think of
I couldn't think of any title for this post. Things coming to mind sounded too sappy, or even like I was trying to be funny. That definitely isn't the case. About all that I can say about this article is that I feel for all involved. I had read yesterday about a father setting himself ablaze after learning that his son had been killed. It got to me. But seeing today that there were no plans to file charges (as there shouldn't be) against the man, got to me also. Losing someone is very painful. It does me proud to see that the Corps understands that.
Please keep snide comments to yourself,
August 26, 2004
My ISP home page displays quotes in the upper corner. Most have something to do with a right to arms, or liberty. When I logged on this morning, I see one from the Motor City Madman, Ted Nugent. It's kinda funny but very true.
If guns cause crime, all of mine are defective.
So are mine.
That is all.
A Bit Of Torment
You know what they say about paybacks, right? Well, for some unkown reason (right) one of my co-workers today did an evil, evil thing. I'm working at my machine, and he walks past. As he gets about even with me, he whips his head toward me, and says, "We can go where we want to," and keeps walking. Almost immediately, I think of a very wretched song, but I quell that soon enough. A couple minutes later, he comes back. This time he stops. Smirks at me, and says, "It's the Safety Dance!" Gah!!!! Earworm!!!! I couldn't get it out, but just to make sure, he comes by again, and starts quoting the lyrics. Not one bit of singing, but the damage was the same. 9 hours at work, and now 2 at home. 11 hours in hell. Thank you! Jerk!
Oh, I didn't make any of you think of that song did I? (snicker) Go ahead, click on the link. You know you want to!
August 25, 2004
A Wee Bit Grumpy
Does it ever bother you when you say "Hi" to someone, and they just look at you? No response, except a blank, idiotic stare? Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but it just pisses me off. Always has. I'm not one to go out of my way to speak to people who aren't my friends, but sometimes it's the polite thing to do. But, when you get "the stare," you feel as if you just exerted yourself for nothing.
There was a guy that I used to work with many moons ago who did this to me. The thing was, before I went in the Marines, I used to stop by his machine and visit a couple times a week. After I got home, he had gotten a day opening (I was still nights), so I used to see him everyday as I came in. He would usually be coming down the stairs as I was going up. I would say, "Hey, D... , what's up?" The stare. Next day, "Hey, D... how's it going?" The stare. Following day, "Hi, D...!" The effing stare. I did this for four days. After the fourth time, I was livid! I told my brother, who I worked with, "Tomorrow, instead of saying 'hi,' I'm just going to tell him what to do to himself. It's stupid trying to be nice just because I used to visit with him." So the following day, going up the stairs, he's coming down. I'm almost laughing to myself imagining the look on his face when I tell him off. (This is going to be great, here he is, snicker)
"Hi, Joe,"he says.
It was my turn to do "the stare!" Talk about feeling like the wind had been knocked out of me!!!
All of this post, it's because someone gave me "the stare." Am I being a little overly sensitive?
Well, off to the circus.
August 24, 2004
This Week's Faves 8/22
Ummm, this weeks mix is going to seem a little strange. If you remember, though, I have a huge range in the music that I appreciate.
Probably the most listened to tunes would be Freddy King and Slayer. The Slayer comes from seeing Ozzfest on the 14th. Always have been a huge Slayer fan, and, while the rest of the bands were good (only one actually sucked), they were the highlight of the show. At least to me. I already know that I'll probably be hearing about how it was really Judas Priest that ruled the show. They were good, I'll admit. Maybe even great, but not compared to Slayer!
Freddy King was brought about because of Johnny-Oh and Eric, and the tunes they played: Johnny-Oh's and Eric's. Some of the comments were comparing J0hnny-Oh's voice to Clapton. Well, of course that starts the old gears to grinding in my head, so I start thinking of Clapton's "From the Cradle." One of my favorites on that album is "I'm Tore Down," written by Sonny Thompson. Thompson was Freddy King's piano player. (Yeah, it took a bit, but it's all connected now!)
I only own one of King's albums; "Hide Away; The Best of Freddy King." This cd is excellent. King was a great influence of Stevie Ray and Jimmie Vaughn, not to mention Clapton. If you had never heard King before, and had only heard these guys, as soon as the disc gets started, you can hear where they got some of their style from. Another favorite of mine is "In the Open." On Stevie Ray's "In the Beginning," "In the Open" is the opening song. Love it.
Reading wise, it's been a busy week. Haven't gotten very far into "Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul," but I have just finished one of my favorite parts in the story. Dirk Gently, the hero of the story, is at the scene of a "smart-alec show-off suicide:" the victim's body is sitting in a chair, looking very relaxed with it's legs crossed even. The head is on the record player across the room! Anyway, Dirk looks around the house, and hears a television going in the attic. Peering into the room, he can see a boy watching Bugs Bunny. He tries talking to the boy, but no response. Realizes the boy is the son of the deceased smart alec, so he tries to explain what has happened, still no response. Stands in front of the kid: he just looks around him. The fun begins when Dirk unplugs the TV, and promptly get his nose busted! Just the description of what happens, and then Dirk trying to talk to the cops makes me laugh out loud every time I read it!
Should finish it sometime this week, and then I'll get started on the new Sandford novel. Can't wait!
August 23, 2004
I was over at The Castle Argghhh!!!, and I stumbled across this. Actually, the stumbling happened after I saw the video. I'm sure that some of you have seen this already, but for those that haven't, enjoy! I sure did!
August 22, 2004
Some weird stories that I came across this weekend. Hopefully, I'm not repeating someone else's post!
First, we have a story of a vicious bird: Police Officer Fights off Bird!
The officer suffered minor scratches and a big bruise in her side.
Next the story of a tasered grandmother: Cops Disciplined For Tasering Grandmother
This one ... I don't know. Pisses you off, but at the same time, you start chuckling to yourself imagining the manliness of the cop who used the taser. "Watch out! She's got a cane, and she's willing to use it!" The chief believes that the incident "could have been avoided ..."
And finally, this one is just for Eric, of Straight White Guy. Seems he's developed a fetish for squirrels. That's two seperate links. Funny stuff! Anyway, this isn't quite as good, but I had a couple different headlines pop into my head when I read this: Red Squirrel Visits Plumber Through Toilet.
"Acorn Crop Forecast At All-time Low: Squirrels Taking Nuts From Other Sources"
My Summer Vacation
What I did on my summer vacation. First, I woke up. Then I went on a trip.
We took off bright and early on Saturday (7/31). My cousin was leading the way. He's a truck driver, and he peddles up into Wisconsin, so we took many back roads up to Prairie Du Chien, where we crossed over the Mississippi. That area is one of my favorites to ride through on a day trip. Scenery is beautiful, and the wandering way that my cousin took had us riding along the tops of hills. You can see for miles on either side of you. Rolling hills forever! Very picturesque, and we were only one state away!!
Then comes Iowa. Now, I'm not slamming the state. Along the Mississippi and Missouri river valleys it's very, very scenic. If you believe the idiots, as soon as you hit the Iowa state line, it's nothing but flat cornfields. Wrong. There are many hills and bluffs along both valleys making some incredible views. The middle of the state, however ... It just doesn't go by fast enough for me! My cousin used to farm, so he loves it. Huge fields, flat huge fields, and then, more huge fields. Nothing against huge "tracts of land," but it doesn't really appeal that much to me. This is the area where we were trying to get to the Harley/John Deere Dealer. I've got some friends that still live in Clear Lake, but unfortunately, we didn't have the time to stop and visit. Dull this part of the state may be, but I have to say, they try to make up for it by overstocking the area with beautiful women. No, Harvey, I didn't get hit on. This is just an observation from previous visits! (And a way to assure a meal and a place to stay next time I go out there!!) We took Hwy. 18 all the way across to Sheldon, where we picked up 60. Awesome ride from there to South Sioux City, Nebraska. This is where we stayed the first night, and met MOVG and her lovely daughter!
We (my brother and I) also managed to get my cousin in trouble here. Cousin was on the phone with his nightly report back to his wife, and he couldn't get the state and name of the city down. He kept mixing it up badly, so my bro and I started making fun of him. Kinda quiet at first, but the more he got flustered, the louder we got. "Honey, I'm in South Iowa Nebraska! No, wait, Sioux Nebraska, Iowa!" He was laughing at us, and then, before we knew what was going on, he was trying to explain to his wife that we weren't laughing at her. It took a bit, but he finally convinced her. Of course, our laughing at him while he tried to explain this didn't help his cause much, but he finally pulled it off!!! What's family for, anyway?
Next day we rode across Nebraska to Cheyenne, Wyoming. My bro started the day out quoting South Park: "You are now entering Nebraska: Sorry!" We rode only on state highways, trying to avoid interstate until Cheyenne. We followed hwy 30 across the state. It parallels Ints. 80 after Grand Island. It's neat, and depressing seeing all these little towns that are along 30. They still see some business, but the interstate has killed many different types of touristing shops. I always catch myself imagining what it was like before super highways. As far as Nebraska's scenery, I liked it. Hardly any really boring stretches (unlike central Iowa), and it wasn't all cornfields. Trains now, they were many. Many. Many. 30 runs right along the tracks, and I don't think we ever made it two miles without seeing a train. The worst thing was when they would be right alongside of us and blast their whistle. Scared the crap out of me more than once!!!
From Cheyenne, we headed to our final resting place in Newcastle, Co. Of course, it wasn't a straight shot. We rode through Rocky Mountain National Park. Now that was beautiful! I can't remember the name of the road we took to the top of the pass(I think it was Old River Road, or something close), but it was a dirt road. A rough dirt road. I love riding like that, but when you are on the edge of a mountain, and getting thrown all over the road because of the ruts, you really don't take too much time to look around. I did take a long look over the valley once, and then after I was within about a foot of the edge of the road, and within two feet of the edge of the mountain, I decided I'd better concentrate on keeping my bike on the road. Not to mention keeping it from stalling. Being a flatlander, the carburetor is set up for a much lower elevation. Riding at over 10,000 feet makes the engine bog down quite a bit, and when you are only going between five and ten mph, the bike just doesn't feel like running for you! I did manage to take a few pictures on a couple of our stops, so when/if I get them developed, I'll post them.
Got into Newcastle kinda late. We were dodging rain for most of the afternoon, but only got pelted good once for about ten minutes. Not too shabby! Anyway, Newcastle is a small town located just west of Glenwood Springs, and about 80-90 miles east of Grand Junction. This was our base of operations, although we didn't end up with all that many operations. The plan was to ride the mountains in the area surrounding the town. Happened one day, but it was still very cool.
Our first day there, our host wanted to show us around. He's a great guy, just a little lonely. Originally, he was from my area of the world, but his daughter and her family moved out there years back, and rather than drive out there twice a year,(he's retired) he and his wife decided to move out west. She died a few years ago, and he doesn't see many people other than his daughter. Here he was, all happy that he had guests, so he planned out a day to show us the sights! We all originally were going to ride over to Aspen and Independence Pass, but seeing how excited he was, we figured that spending the day with him was more important. He took us back on roads that are not on any map that we owned, and told us about some of the town history. Newcastle started as a mining town, and when he took us around, you could see some of the old mines in the sides of cliffs. Pretty cool. The mountain nearby, is called "Burning Mountain" and he told us how it got the name. Now, I was out there two years ago, and some of the people I visited with told me a little about the place, but I think that they assumed I knew more than I did. This time, no mistake. And the story is tragic, but cool.
In the late 1880's the Vulcan and Consolidated coal mines were started. These two mines are pretty much the beginning of the town, although there were settlers there before. In 1896, the Vulcan Mine exploded, killing 49 men. A couple of years later, the Consolidated caught fire. Attempts were made to flood the mine to put out the fire, but they failed and the mine was permanently closed. The fire is still burning inside of the mountain. You can see a line of dead grass and brush over the area where the fire is, and in the winter, there is steam rising from the burning patch. The Vulcan also had explosions in 1913 (37 dead) and 1916 (3 dead). There is a memorial in a park downtown. My brother and I checked that out. Sad. There were some that lost family members in all three explosions.
Another thing that I found fascinating, and I look forward to spending more time checking it out next time, was the cemetery. Explosion victims, and others from many years back. I know it sounds kind of morbid, but I always have been interested in history. You see many dates in a graveyard. What you don't know for certain, you can try to imagine.
On our riding day, we headed for Utah. A friend of my brother loaned me his travel bag, and the guy loves beer. I decided that I was going to pick him up a shirt from a Harley dealer, so I looked for one in Utah that we could stop at. What luck?! The dealer in Vernal is Beer's Harley-Davidson. Perfect!
This was the day that I got to display my social skills with the ladies. On the way back, we stopped at Dinosaur National Monument. Unfortunately, we didn't get to see the whole thing, as there are a couple of entrances, but at least we stopped at the area where the quarry was located. It was pretty cool seeing all the bones still in the rock. The quarry is now just a display, no more excavation. We were wondering when we first saw the wall if this was something like an elephant graveyard, but found out that this had been a river bed. Dinosaurs would get washed downstream, and their bodies deposited in this area. Some were whole, more than likely drownings, and others were just partial, killed or dead alongside the river. Scavengers would start eating from the carcasses, and then during high water, the bodies carried to this spot. The river bed dried out, fossils formed, and then the ground buckled, pushing the former river bed into a mountain. Over the years, erosion helped to expose the bones. My simplified version! The bones were discovered in 1909, by Earl Douglass, and the monument made official in 1915. If you ever get out to this area, you should stop in. Very cool place. Well, actually, it's quite hot. My brother gave his explanation of the great dinosaur die out as we were walking out, sweating to death. "The stupid things died because they lived in a desert! No food, no water, no life!" (Those may not be his exact words, but they are damn close.) Does make you wonder what the area was like back then. Somewhere I heard that this area was hundreds of miles south of where it is now. It's one of those things that I'm not totally certain about, but I wouldn't be suprised!
After a another day of just sitting around relaxing, (it rained most of the day) we started our ride home. Nothing spectacular, except for a stop at another cousin's house in Iowa. We hardly ever get to see him, so it was great to sit around and visit. Stayed up late, drank a little, and ate a lot! The following morning, they made a big breakfast for us. They didn't need to do all that, but I'll say that I'm glad they did! They thought it would be funny to "force feed" me tequilla the night before, and I really needed that to settle the old guts. Can't wait to do it again!
This was one of those vacations that a person really needs. When I got back, I felt great. Things not going smoothly? No, problem ... I just got back from vacation. Try running wire through my thumb? Hey, no worries ... I just got back from vacation! For the most part, bad things were just ignored for the first few days back. I love that feeling!!
I haven't forgotten about posting my trip. After the fantasy football draft today, I'll probably have it done. I got a little carried away writing it. Started to sound more like a guide book than a post! Lots of editing, and still much rambling!
Not sure when (or why) it happened, but I hit the 1,000 mark yesterday evening some time. Thanks to my blogfamily and the others that read this gibberish! :) 1,000 isn't much compared to the big boys, but it still feels pretty damn good!
A Fool And His Money
love hate going to book stores. There is something evil about these places. Your hard earned cash just seems to disappear. Not in front of your eyes; no, it's like there is some kind of hidden vacuum and it needs to remove your money from you. Before you know it, nothing. Wallet empty, go home with your great bag of books!
A simple trip to Barnes and Noble today leaves me broke. Oh, don't tell me I haven't any discipline! There are dark and evil forces at work in that place! It isn't my fault at all!
I needed to buy a couple of reference books for fantasy football. Our draft is on Sunday, and I wanted to check out some of the cheat sheets that are included in these magazines. Two magazines. Two. Maybe fourteen dollars tops. Maybe. Fantasy Football Index and Sporting News Fantasy Football. That's it. But when you enter the doors, you feel the evil pull at you. You hear the music overhead, and you swear that it's "Ave Satani" from "The Omen", only the lyrics are different. No latin, just something like this;
buy more books
should buy more books
not just two
that's not enough
you should buy the new
corpus animus... sorry, I don't know what came over me! I tole yu, EVIL!!
Unfortunately, I had to walk past the new Sandford novel, "Hidden Prey." If you've never read this guy, you need to, simply because I. Said. So. The guy is an awesome writer, and his main character, Lucas Davenport, is a believable one.
Alright, already. Koontz, yes, I'll buy the newest Koontz. Damnit, yes, I shall buy it. "The Taking." It's now mine.
Funny stuff, lots of great lines, yes..... er, no. No, I will not buy this great book which I should buy because it is so damn good! Aaaaaaaaaaah, make it stop!!!!
At this point I am running for the cashier. And I mean this in an almost literal way. When I get into a book store, it's hard to remove myself! I get to the counter, (picking up a new thesaurus on the way) and the evil demoness behind the register smiles and takes her time ringing me out. So long, that I impatiently start looking around. And what do I see? "The DaVinci Code," by Dan Brown, and, hey, it's 30 percent off! No, I didn't buy it, but it was hard not to. I've had numerous people tell me that I have to check it out! There's the discipline my friends!!! This took place in less than 15 minutes. Not hours of battling evil, just a few minutes. Hopefully, this was the last trip to the book shop that I'll have to make for awhile. I find it harder and harder to resist the damn call to buy more books!
August 19, 2004
Just a quick note
Just a quick note to let you know that I'm going to post my vacation probably Friday or Saturday. I was waiting until I had some pictures developed, but screw it... I'm notorious for canisters of film laying around undeveloped. I've still got pictures from my trip to England that
"Er... 'scuse me, but did you say you were in London?"
Me: "Oh, great. Instason. Actually, I said that I was in England, although I did wander around in L...."
Instason: "Did you get to see the Queen?"
Me: "NO! Why the hell would you thi..."
Me: "You idiot, he was being sarca..."
Instason: "Did you get invited for dinner? Being an American and all, I bet she invited you over for dinner!"
Me: "No, she didn't invite me o......"
Instason: "Oh, you're one of the drunken twins. I bet she took you to the pub?!"
Me: (thoroughly fed up with the questions and interruptions) "Just shut up for ONE second will ya?! Make that SIXTY seconds!"
Instason: (pouting) "Hmmpphhh!"
Me: (in an effort to get all I have to say out before the Inquisition starts anew)"No I never saw the queen we didn't go to the pub I didn't go there for dinner I didn't even stay in London for more than 5 hours I stayed in North Yorkshire in Egton Bridge and why the hell are you here in the first place?!"
Instason: (still pouting) "You sure talk alot!"
Me: "Just answer my question."
Instason: "Well, we often come around to watch you or your twin blog while drunk! It's funny!"
Me: (looking around) "Don't tell me that ....."
Evil Glenn: (enters through open window)"Indeed! I am here, you miserable sot!" (looks around) What a pig sty! I like it!!"
Me: "What the hell is up with you and your "mini-puppy blender" interrupting people?"
EG: "Just calm down, oh, drunken one! Where is your twin?"
Me:"Criminy! I told you before, idiot,..."
EG: "Lawyer!!" Me: "You interrupted again!!!"
EG: "Sorry, carry on."
Me:"As I started to ...."EG: "I was merely correcting your mistake. "
Me: "I heard that mumbling! (hurrying once again) I told you before you idiot yes I know lawyer that there is only one of me not the two that you saw after being smashed in the head with a jar and what the hell are you doing here harassing me when I'm not even an official member of the Alliance?! Yet!"
EG:(smiling) "Oh, try as you may, you'll not convince me that your twin does not exist. I saw you two standing together!! As for not being a member of the Alliance, I have my doubts about that. If not a member, why do you spend so much time with them, hmmmmmm?"
Me: "I spend alot of time with them because they are funny as hell... sometimes even Harvey! And, I'm not yet a member because I don't feel that I have as much talent as the others. Once I feel that I can hang with them and their assignments, I'll see about joining. Until then, leave me alone!"
EG: (sulking) "What a crabby pants! Haven't you heard that if you try hard enough, the Alliance will come to you?"
Me: "Say what?"
EG:(sounding very exasperated) "If you go at it hard enough, they will come!"
(uncontrollable snickering from myself and Instason)
EG: "What's so funny?"
Me: (composing myself) "N..no...nothing at all. Really. (Instason begins to loudly snort) Why did you say you were here?"
EG: "I said something funny, didn't I? (Instason is now rolling on the floor, screaming in laughgony) I never say anything funny. If I made a funny, I should like to know what it is!!! INDEED!"
Me: "No funny, and still no reason for being here, besides you like to cartoon off of drunks trying to type."
EG: "Well, the reason that I'm here is ....(looking at Instason, who is now hyperventilating) are you sure I didn't make a funny?"
Me: "Get on with it ... and I'll even add a please."
EG: "Very well, I simply wanted to thank you."
Me: (stunned)"For what?"
EG: "The pickled herring idea."
Me: "Yes, I remember. Why?"
EG: "Well, once I got home from the theatre, I had a ball. The penguins love it! A few strategically placed dabs of herring, and...."
Me: "OK! Enough. Picture painted! No need to carry on! Damn, you're a freak. Yes,"(both)"lawyer.""You know, I'm thinking that you've been here long enough. I just wanted to drop a quick note to my blog family, and now you've made me kill all my time. Hell, I could have posted about my vacation during all this!"
EG: "Aha, could have, but didn't!"
Me: (remembering) "You know .... my twin should be back real soon. And he's not nearly as sociable as I am. I suggest you get out of here while the getting is good."
EG: (smiling) "I knew you were lying about your twin. I know everything. That's why so many people come to me!" (more maniacal laughing from Instason, who is now growing hoarse)
Me: "Better take the youngster and leave, before he croaks on you."
EG: "Good idea, inebriated one. Come, young Bucky! (shrill laughter once again) I swear I made some kind of joke!"
Me: "Perhaps, but why call him Bucky? Seems a bit harsh."
EG: (aside) "Haven't you seen those teeth? Well, we're off, but we'll be keeping track of you two!"
Thank God they're gone! I've got to stop drinking, or at least get extended entry! Hope this is as funny tomorrow as it was to me tonight!
August 17, 2004
This Weeks Fave's 8/15
Blog Bro _Jon, of We Swear, mentioned Johnny Cash in his "Mortality Thought ... (and rambling)" post. He mentioned the song "Hurt" and it's been stuck in my head since. I've had to pull out the album (sorry, CD) to satisfy my need to hear this song. I've listened to it many times this week.
The album is "American IV: The Man Comes Around," and to me, it kicks ass. There are a couple of songs that I didn't think fit quite right. "Bridge Over Troubled Water," and "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face," are prime examples, but for the most part, I love this album! Johnny Cash was one of those artists that could make you feel like you were right there with him, feeling his feelings as he sang about them. On "The Man Comes Around," it's vintage Cash. His last albums were full of cover songs, which he did rather well, (for the most part) making them his own. But I still have to say, the songs that he wrote are better than most of his covers. Unfortunately, there only 3 of his own on this disc; The Man Comes Around, Give My Love To Rose, and Tear Stained Letter.
Favorite tunes would be;
The Man Comes Around: I don't know exactly why this song appeals so much to me, it just does. Well written, and the piano in this, while no technical masterpiece, adds so much depth to the song. Gave me goosebumps the first time that I heard it, and still does.
Hurt: This is a cover of a NIN (nine inch nails) song. Powerful. I haven't seen the video for this song, yet, but I've heard that the video is even more so. I may have to pass; my vision gets water in the way just hearing the song. From what I understand, Trent Reznor, the writer of the song, was moved to tears after viewing the video.
We'll Meet Again: This song just creeps me out, but in a good way! :/ It seems like he knew that this would be the last album he did. He's got friends and family singing the chorus; just cool to me.
If I went into why Johnny Cash meant so much to me, I'd have to do a post on that alone. It would take some time!
I was going to start reading a Louis L'Amour story, but, inspired by a rancid refrigerator at work, I'm going to read The Long Dark Tea Time of The Soul by Douglas Adams. The refrigerator bit comes from a fridge in the story that "no longer merely stood there in the corner of the kitchen, it actually lurked." I don't know if you've read Adams much, if at all(though I know Johnny-Oh has: he's got a misquote from Adams as his tagline!), but he is hilarious. One of my favorites!
August 16, 2004
Ordering A Pizza In 2008
Yes, I'm still alive, just gone for the weekend. Now, I'm going into work early, but I thought I would send you guys something to know that I'm not dead, yet. THUD!
My cousin sent me this e-mail. No idea of who the author is, else I'd credit them, but they did a great job!
Ordering a pizza in 2008:
Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?"
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order."
Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,it's6102049998-45-54610."
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?"
Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir."
Customer: "The HSS, what is that?"
Operator: "It's the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-MeatSpecial pizzas."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll likeit."
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then."
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids,and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash.Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also."
Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repossessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday"
Customer: "Well I'll be a '@#%/$@&?#!' "
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?"
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke".
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics; the New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty, nor safety." Ben Franklin
(I added the quote; one of my favorites!)
August 13, 2004
A tornado. Not funny. Suspecting it was a tornado. Now, for some reason it seems funny. And then, of course, we have to make sure that there is no doubt about this being the work of a suspected tornado. Just the idea seems odd. Suspecting a tornado.
By now you've seen what stuck out to me. While only used twice, rather thrice, it seems like "suspect" is the word of the day. I suggest we re-write it as follows:
Suspected Twister Causes Damage in VA (the state, not hospital)
Danville, VA-A suspected tornado caused widespread damage in this Virginia city. Officials report this.
While suspected, and expected, no injuries were reported. (At least none were detected.)
A spokeswoman for the state's Dept. of Emergency Services, after listing damages incurred during the storm, said," We suspect it was a tornado." However, A. Tornado could not be reached for comment.
While no arrests have been made, authorities seek Mr. Tornado, and a wEarl Wind for questioning. A search of a suspected trailer park has yielded no suspects.
"We suspect that they'll come around here," says one authority," and when they do, we'll .... hell, I'm not sure."
August 12, 2004
Found these in the subscriber news and comments section of my ISP home page. They are ideas for Kerry bumper stickers. Or, rather, anti-Kerry stickers. A couple were pretty funny!
August 11, 2004
Going A Little Too Far
Yes, I'm still going to tell about the trip, but that will have to be later. Being the great time management expert that I am, I'm running a little short. I got a little carried away with some of my realizations!
Ok, I asked, "What would you do to keep your grown child from marrying someone who you deem unfit?" Thanks to all for the welcome back, and the answers you gave in response. Most were along the same lines, which would be right along with what my thoughts were. Except Harvey, who gave an answer that was more along the lines of what I was hoping for. He suggested cutting the child out of my will.
Contagion did give options:you can either disown the child and write them off or just accept they are going to get married to someone not worthy of carrying the spawn that will spread on your legacy.
I like the way it sounds so mean either way.
To get to why I asked that question in the first place. We stopped on the Nebraska/Iowa line on our first night out. We were kinda hungry, and definitely in the mood to decimate the beer population of the area, so we head into downtown Sioux City. We had no idea where we were going, so we just stopped at the first hole in the wall that we saw. We were eating when in walks a group of women laughing and having a good old time. One was wearing a veil.
After a bit, in walk another couple of women, these a little older. One stops and starts visiting with my brother. This woman was the mother of veil girl. She starts telling my brother all about her (mom's) dilemma. Veil girl is going to be married at the end of this month, and MOVG (mom of veil girl) hates, no, HATES, veil girl's betrothed. She let's us know all about her reasons for hating this guy, and he does sound like a real loser, but I'm not going into all that. The whole time, veil girl is listening, and not arguing, so we start thinking MOVG is talking straight. MOVG definitely loved her daughter, and she was worried sick about what was going to happen.
After talking with my brother for about an hour, MOVG decides that we are a bunch of "real men." I'm still not sure how this was established. She figures that if her daughter got to know that there are better men out there, she would drop LOSER. MOVG tries to convince Bro to take veil girl out for a ride. "You guys take her back to your hotel. Show her what real men can be like." All three of us were laughing our asses off! Then, after she started to get a little pissed at us, we realized she was serious. That was more than a little disturbing! Bro and Cousin let her know, they can't and won't do that... they've got significant others. Not to mention morals. Then MOVG comes over to me, and of course I said.... no. I can't play that. So then she says, "well just drop her off at your hotel, so she has to call him. If he catches her out like that, she's going to be in big trouble with him, and she'll get scared and leave him." How messed up. Possibly put your "beloved little girl" into harm's way just to make you happy? We almost ran out of there! Pimping out your daughter: I'd say that has to take the cake.
This was a topic that was brought up quite often while we were out west. And no, not one bit of this is any kind of an evil lie. It. is. sad. but. true.
Even while we were talking with MOVG, I was thinking that this would make a great post. And it was one of the things I kept seriously thinking about while riding around.
Hope that's not too weird for ya. I'm off to sleepyland.
Being off work, relaxing, riding the bike through the mountains... it doesn't get much better than that! Most times riding, I reflect on my life, and things I do, things I could/should change, things I really don't care about. This being a long trip, I had plenty of time to realize a few things about myself.
While on vacation, I realized that:
1. Any time I doubt the existence of a greater power, I need to be cracked a good one. Riding through the mountains of Colorado, hell, anywhere on this earth, you see so many changes in terrain, it's just incredible. The Rockies go from grass covered hills, to hot, sandy high desert. There and in between, beautiful. It gives me chills just remembering how it all looked. Scenery so awesome cannot just happen without some assistance.
2. There are some damn good people out there, to offset the strange ones. My cousin and brother were the politicians of the trio. They can talk to anyone, and they about talked to everyone. We met some really great people, and a couple of really strange ones. One guy started out normal, very friendly, making sure that everything was ok when we were stopped. Starts asking about different motorcycle "clubs", then tells us he was in one before he got sent to prison. Ok, not normal, but not too strange. Then he goes on this tirade about how we (white people) should be killing everyone not like "us." There's the strange!! While we were looking worriedly at him, he asks if we have a place to stay, 'cuz "I hate to see boys like me stuck outside sleepin'." Thankfully, the good far outweighed the weird!
3. I'm not just single because I can run fast ... I AM AN IDIOT! I've never been good at reading women, especially when it comes to them being interested in me. If a woman's hitting on someone I'm with, I know what's going on, and if they can't see it, I'll tell them. But I can be such a moron. We were at Dinosaur National Monument, at the quarry gift shop, and I picked up a couple of things for my nephews. The cashier was a pretty nice looking woman (actually, hot works better), maybe 30, and she gives me this big smile when I walk up. I tell her who I'm getting the items for, and we visit for a bit. After she tells me the total price, I start to hand her cash, stop, and ask,"Will you take credit cards?" She gives me this huge grin, and says, "I'll take almost anything you're willing to give me!" So I hand her my card. Thirty miles away, I realize what she said!! No wonder she looked suprised when I didn't say anything "clever" back! I'm sure that I will be hearing about that for a loooong time! All my brother could do was shake his head and laugh!
4. I have the potential to be a far greater a**hole than I ever dreamed possible! Not that I'm proud of it, mind you. Maybe a bit. But anyway, the first couple of days, I was biting my tongue quite a bit. My brother, or most times my cousin, would have an idea of what we should do, and if I thought different and said so, it was usually 2-1, their favor. These weren't bad ideas; for instance, they wanted to stop and eat, I wanted to keep going knowing that a certain Harley dealer was only 50/60 minutes away. I had been there before, and knew exactly where it was at. My brother had really wanted to stop at this place as it's a John Deere/Harley dealer. Ernie Williams in Algona, Iowa. Anyway, the vote was to eat, and it was damn good. However, we were there for well over an hour before we left for the Harley shop in Mason City, IA. By the time we hit Algona, the shop had been closed for 40 minutes. I was a good little boy, and didn't say "See I told you," although I really wanted to. But I stayed cool and realized that....
5. I need to deal with people more often. I know that what frustrates me, is that, due to the fact I've been on my own so long, I am used to doing things my way, and my way alone. And that's not always right. Most times yes, but not always. Once I caught myself doing that, I was able to relax and enjoy myself a lot better. (Especially because I knew that I was right! :) )
6. I really am a rock when it comes to taking a hint!Again, another story of ignorance. I'll keep this one short because it shames me. Drank many shots with a bartender at the bar we decided to frequent while staying out there. She hangs out visiting with my host and me for quite some time. She seemed a little bummed when I insisted that we better get going; had to leave for home in the morning. Payed my bill. As I go over my receipts the next morning, I realize, she was buying all the shots! I should have known that I was being a rock when my host just kept laughing all the way home! He even made a comment about how she seemed to like "you." I thought it was a collective "you" (the three of us) that he was talking about. Definitely not the smartest peanut in the turd am I.
7. I sit at the computer much too often. Man, I was jonesing to get online the whole time we were gone! Ok, not the whole time, but every day when I got up, or was about to hit the hay (especially when a tad bit tipsy).
8. I really am starting to think of everyone that is in my blog family, and a few others, as family. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or what. :) It's one of those things you start looking forward to when you get home. "I wonder what they have to say," or, "I wonder what comments were made to my post." It's kinda like sittin' down and visiting with friends. I will say, I missed being out of the loop for the week. " Aaaaaaawwww, him missed us!"
Yeah, there were a few other realizations, but they were just little things here and there. Hell, if I started in on all that rot, this post would be nine days long!!!
August 09, 2004
Ok, I'm back, so the debauchery may come to an end. Geez, you people. The place is a wreck, what with all the chocolate, caramel, Redi-whip, and marshmallow fluff all over. Mmmmmmmmmmm....
Oh, anyway, I see you've found my "collections."(Judging from the way they are posed, I'd venture to guess that either Harvey or Grau is responsible. Had to be Harvey. Grau may cram limbs into orifices that previously didn't exist, but these limbs are still attached.) Thank goodness you guys didn't find the "Care Bear" and "Tele-Tubbies" stash! Doh!!! Anyway, thanks for leaving me a beer. Although, since it was under a chair, it may be safe to assume you didn't know you left me one!
Another cool thing was all these bras left here! I'm going to add them to my collection. Ok, ok, I'll start a collection! Was one of these Sarahk's? (GrooOOwwlll)
Well, I'm out of time, so I'll tell you about the trip later. A final question, and when I tell about the trip, you'll know why I ask: What would you do to keep your grown child from marrying someone who you deem unfit?
BTW, I literally laughed out loud reading the comments! Thanks!