December 31, 2006

New Nads

Nephews and neices are awesome, but it had always been a desire of mine to have kids of my own. I'm afraid that it is no longer possible...

My aunt has gone out with the rest of the family for a New Year's luau... I stayed home because of this miserable cold. That means that I'm stuck with two big dogs who are freaking out because of the fireworks. One freaks because she was once shot, and the other freaks because it seems to be the "in" thing to do. The one who was shot is a royal pain in the arse.

She keeps trying to climb up into my arms, and the few times I was stupid enough to sit down, she launched herself into my lap, crushing my satchel into little bits, and one time removing ye olde schwanz with a direct hit. Crushed nuts probably aren't going to get you any kids, but no schwanz makes things flat out impossible. I still don't know where to hell it got knocked.

Hoping that your New Year comes in better than mine is...

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December 30, 2006


Wouldn't you know it... folks down here have been getting sick with colds and flus, and I've been catching none of it. Laughing at them all. Travel home, and I get sick.

I'm sitting here listening to tunes, trying to nap and having a time of it, because whenever I lay down, all the snot in my head runs to one side. Called a couple of bloggers to impress them with my new super sexy sick voice, but I don't think it worked.

Top it off with hot weather... I feel shitty. Oh so shitty...

Murphy is a bastard.

Heheheh... speaking of Murphy, yesterday was the first really slow day we've had in a long while, so while I had some dead time waiting for parts to wash, I called Eric. While I was talking to him, a customer called, and then all hell broke loose.

And I had been looking forward to going home early. For a change.

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'Tis A Sin

Some bands just keep on living forever, shitting out dung filled music, with plenty of new acts' "music" following right along in their footsteps.

Other bands are killed off before anyone can hear how good their tunes really are. These guys have been done for nearly a decade... just doesn't seem fair.

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December 29, 2006

Glass Act...

Check it out... less than 2,000 to go, in the hunt for the glasses.

That's about a week's time, give or take a few visitors.

Luck to ya!

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A Question

Skin tags: Snip, rip, clip, or freeze to remove?

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:03 AM | Comments (9) | TrackBack

December 28, 2006

Another Reminder

Jes' remember; Jeebus do believe in forgiving, but not forgetting. And the forgiveness only lasts until the time is right for repayment.

Seriously... I forgive you. For now, you heathen fucks my precious flock...

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December 23, 2006

Christmas Crap Meme...

As is usual, I was minding my own business, when someone decided that they just had to mess with me. Contagion knew that I would be travelling home, and have limited access to a computer, so the bastard tagged me with a meme...

Here it is...

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? Newspaper and duct tape... though, bags will work, too. Especially garbage bags.

2.Real tree or artificial? It's definitely real... I've not the ching for any "enhancing" surgery.

3.When do you put up the tree? When I'm excited.

4.When do you take the tree down? When I'm finished, or I think of turnoffs.

5.Do you like eggnog? I love the stuff... with or without booze, egg nog rules.

6.Favorite gift you received as a child? It's a toss up between my Space: 1999 Eagle, and my AM transistor radio. I was one cool kid with that little radio in hand.

7.Do you have a nativity scene? If I do, it's mixed together with my army men.

8.Hardest person to buy for? My brother in law.

9.Easiest person to buy for? My sister.

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? What are these "Christmas card" things?

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A Gottdamned Bible. And, No, it wasn't because it was a Bible. It was because of the fact that it was given to me by my "fun" aunt. I was expecting something else, entirely.

12.Favorite Christmas move? Since The Shining doesn't officially count as a Christmas movie (even though the flipping out part occurs around this time of year), I'd have to go with Die Hard, Christmas Vacation, or Scrooged. Once upon a time, I liked A Christmas Story, but that's long been ruined.

13.When do you start shopping? Heh... um... late.

14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? My ma's seven layer bars, for sure, but there's many others. Too many others.

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? Maybe a glow in the dark something, but lights? No wish to be electrocuted.

17.Favorite Christmas song? Heheheh... I've always liked Fear's Christmas carol (sweary bits). And, of course, "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? I'd prefer to stay at home, but it's pretty obvious that I had to travel just to get to where I'd rather stay.

19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Of course... The Brown Dude, Horn Head, Stinky Butt, Spot, Horn Head #2, Lloyd, Poopy, and Horn Head #2... this I memorized from a card my sis sent.

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Heheheh... either would work, I'm thinking.

21.Open the presents on Christmas ever or morning? We used to do just for our immediate family on Christmas Eve, and then get together with the larger family on Christmas Day. Not anymore...

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? Definitely the traffic... and the people. And all of that annoying Christmas music.

23.Do you have Jesus in your heart this Christmas? I would suppose so... He's everywhere, right? Though, if you think about it, that could be more than a little disturbing.

24.What would you like for Christmas? Well, even though I've been dropping hints, those are just stocking stuffers. I'd really like for my aunt's business to be sold. And for me to win the lottery.

I shall tag no person, as I am a guy who does not believe in being a nuisance to others. And it's Christmas, after all... why waste your time because some prick tagged you with a meme?


And then there's Shoe... who I never, ever thought would deliberately be a thorn in my side... and now she loves me no more. Damnit.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 02:15 PM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

December 20, 2006


Just a quick update...

Made it home safely, and relatively soundly. I spent most of the day with my ma, picked up a friend's truck to use for the week, visited my sis, stopped by Tammi's for supper, and then dropped in to Fritz's for a couple of beers. And that was pretty much the day. Hell, I only lasted about fifteen minutes at Fritz's... I was frickin' beat down. Getting up so damn early after not much sleep takes it out of ya.

Got home and was looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. After all, it's been awhile. But I've got to admit that deep down, I was kinda dreading the sleep, or rather, some of the "visitors" that may be looking forward to having me home.

When I first moved in to this place back in 2000, there was alot of activity, but after a while, it kind of settled down to just the footsteps walking through the room, and, occasionally, the music. The loud banging that was very frequent seemed to stop, and I hadn't had the nice icy hand placed upon me since that Christmas morn. Come Christmas time, things do pick up... and it was those thoughts that were running through my skull as I hopped into bed, so I turned on the bedside fan to drown out any noises.

When I turned out the light, the clock said five after eleven, and I must have dropped off into the sleep of the dead, because it was only a short time later that the loud pounding began. I was totally disoriented, and I looked around the room slowly. Twenty after eleven, the clock said. The banging got louder, more insistent. I looked towards the back of the house, and the kitchen was glowing in light. WTF???

I got up and staggered over to my weapons stache, only to remember that they are elsewhere. The banging stopped, and the light started to fade, when I heard a radio... a cop's radio. I ran to the back door to find one of Ogle county's finest peering into a window on the garage. I opened the door and stepped outside to find out what the hell was going on.

Turns out, my neighbours had noticed the pickup truck backed into my driveway, and called the cops just to check. They knew I was in Florida, and, as they told the cop, I "drive a little green car" and not a large truck. I explained that I had flown home for Christmas, and had borrowed a friend's truck to use while I was home... all cool.

The adrenaline rush kept me up for nearly an hour... plenty of time to reflect on life in a very small town.

I've really missed being here...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:03 AM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

December 19, 2006


Hey, Mr. Chubinski,

Just thought I'd ask for one thing more. Just one.

Would you please be so kind as to leave this for me?


And I'm not referring to the suit...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 04:26 AM | Comments (14) | TrackBack

December 18, 2006

Out The Door

This past week has been a blur, but it's all worth it. Tomorrow, 10 am CST, I shall be placing my feetses upon the soil of northern Illinois. Barring any bad luck...

Saturday, the cousin in law and I went to the mill and got started on pulling all of the breakers, cleaning and checking them, and then re-installing them. We got an early start, but the mill wouldn't let us cut power until 1, so we were slightly delayed. Seems they don't want to shut down dust collectors when there's concrete dust in the air. Babies.

We got rolling, and were moving along at a very good clip. Hell, we did in five hours what it took us just over seven, the last time we worked there. Things were flawless. We finished one section, and raced home.

Once home, had little time to shower and shave, and then we headed out to a party. I wasn't really in the mood to go, as I didn't know the people hosting it, and I thought that I needed to be going down to the shop to catch up some more. But my family was insistent, and there was free beer and chow... I ended up going. And I had a pretty decent time, too, as is evidenced by my blog.

The area has a boat parade, and folks along the canals throw parties... everyone stands out on the dock and cheers as the boats go by, and the peeps riding the boats toss candy and beads. I thought it would suck, but it really wasn't bad... especially the boat that had Santa and his eight helpers . The helpers were decked out in high heel boots and very short dresses. And legs? Mmmmmm... It was very inappropriate, and my favorite boat, by far. Well, with the exception of one other.

One boat came by and they had a pretty good crowd on there. As they went by the first time (the route turned around and headed back), I noticed the Marine Corps flag flying proudly. When they made the turn, they were on our side of the water, and when they all yelled, "Merry Christmas," I answered the same, and then yelled, "Ooo-Rah!" Right away, I noticed a young Marine whip his head around, locate me (with my glass upraised), and yell back, "Semper Fi!" Then he turned and yelled something over all of the other cheers and holiday greetings to another guy, who looked to be his father, and he yelled the same to me. The he turned and yelled something to an older, but very fiesty young old guy (my guess is his father), and he grinned, raised his beer, and yelled, "To the Corps!" I drank to the Corps with three generations of Marines. It made me beam with pride...

Five vodka jello shots, and way too many Killian's to count, later, we made our way to another party. I ended up visiting with one of my cousin's neighbours for about an hour. He owns a trucking business, and we were working on a way to get my motorized bicycle down here. How much of this he remembers, I don't know, but it was a very good time. Unfortunately, the cousin in law and I had to finish up the job at the mill the following morning, so we wobbled on home early.

Sunday morning saw us up bright and early, and off to a good start at the mill. We had about three hours of work at the most, and were sure that we'd be back home in time to catch the Bears-Bucs game. HAH! We hit a snag.... a major one. We ended up with an ancient breaker not functioning properly, and no power to over half of the mill. Not a good thing. We had to make things work, and that meant the we ended up putting in over ten hours. Gotsta say, while I wasn't really hung over, I was feeling mighty weak by the end of the day. CIL, too.

This morning, I woke up still feeling it, but knowing that today would be my last day in Florida for a week, so I was in a pretty damned good mood as I tried to finish up everything. It didn't quite work out that everything I wanted was done, but my aunt is left in a pretty decent situation. She shouldn't have to work too hard while I'm gone...

And tomorrow? Six o'clock, and I'm on my way to the home of the silver bird, where one of the winged wonders will carry me home.

Wednesday evening? Fritz's.

I'm leaving my laptop here, so blogging may not happen too much over the next week. I'll try, but don't count on anything. (That way, whatever I post is a suprise!)

Peace out, Merry Christmas, and may the Force be with you.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:47 PM | Comments (8) | TrackBack

December 16, 2006


Hi. I am drunk.

Nope. I am fucking blasted. I jus thought you should know, and adjust yourselves accordingly.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 10:55 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack


... or glass update, if you wants to be picky.

For those of you who only want the glasses if they contain an ice cold malt and barley beverage... Nope. The glasses will come to you in an empty condition. Perhaps, I could work something out, but that's how it initially stands.

If you want, I'll lick the glasses. That should increase the value by at least fourfold...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 10:50 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

December 15, 2006


Time is a brutal bastard... and I'm not referring to the kid pics. Yeah, I used to be a cute little tyke, but somewhen over the years, the Ugly Stick has beaten me down. Perfecto is still Mr. Chick Magnet, and I'm cool with that. But again, that's not what I'm talking about.

No, what I'm saying is that I just don't have enough time to do what all needs to be done. I'd like to draw up a petition to add more days and hours to our calendar. But I know deep down, even if more time were available, it'd soon be taken up. Taken up by things that we deem important...

I've been working like crazy, with hardly any time to do more than post, when it comes to blogging, and falling further and further behind in keeping up with the news and the world around me. I work, come home and eat, sometimes go back to the shop for a few hours, and then hit the hay. I rarely do anything else, besides working out with the cousin in law. This weekend will see me working in the cement mill on both Saturday and Sunday.

Am I really that busy? I like to think so, but I can't say that.... because I know, there's got to be extra time there. It's there, and I'm not taking ahold of it. There's no way that I can be as busy as I think I am.

The most frustrating thing about this is that I adopted a Marine, and I've yet to send anything, even a letter, to the guy. I'm proud as hell of him, and I haven't even taken the time to let him know that...

And here I sit typing... is Time the bastard? Or is it Procrastination?

Posted by That 1 Guy at 07:12 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

Baby It's Cold Outside

For my brother:

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December 14, 2006

Reindeer Chow

The Perfect One and I leave oats for Santa's crew
Perfecto is the blondie

Believe it or not, and I'm sure you will, this is part of what kept the Fat Man real. I mean... anyone can eat the cookies and milk that are left out, but who'd eat all of those oats?

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:20 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack


Mercedes Gullwing.jpg

Hook me up, hook me up, Mr. Fat Man!

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December 13, 2006


Hey der, ladies... fans of Thew McConaughey...

Eat your heart out.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:36 PM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

A Craving

One thing I like about Publix is that they always have samples of meals. Good shit, too, not just Bob's pizza, or whatever. The bad thing... I rarely get to have any. They're usually done and put away by the time that I get there. Today, however, I made it on time. Pineapple Salsa Salmon with Asparagus Tips. Good, good stuff. Only bad thing was that it has burdened me with a severe craving... Blackened Salmon from Fritz's Wooden Nickel.

Next week? I'll be feasting upon that salmon, and getting rid of Fritz's overstock of beer.

Ah... home,sweet home.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:30 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

December 12, 2006


We've been busy as hell lately... worked the weekend, and I've gone back to the shop on a couple of evenings. I've got the opportunity to head home for a week, but I'm trying to leave enough kits built up for my aunt so that we don't fall way behind, as we did the last two times I've left. Hell, the last time was only for a weekend, and it dropped us nearly a week back. It's been so busy up to this week, that I've not been able to keep the kits on the shelf. Frustrating is what it is. Tonight, we took a bit of a break.

My cousin's little girl's preschool had a holiday program. Damn, was it funny!

There's just something about watching three and four year olds singing (and dancing) that just makes the grumpiest of folks smile. The first group came out and did pretty well, while one little dude on the end refused to sing. His teacher leaned over and asked him to sing, and he jammed his hands in his pockets and shook his head. Heheheh... he had everyone busting up.

The next group came out and during the first song, one girl stood in the center singing and shaking her little ass all over the place. She hadn't a clue why all of the adults were grinning and laughing, and just kept on 'til the song was done. Their last song was the Cha-Cha Slide, and she picked right up where she left off, but she was outdone by this little dude who kept on spinning in circles and doing some weird shimmy. Hysterical.

My "neice's" group came out last. Shelby was one of the loudest, and kept waving to everyone. One of her little boyfriends was pretty loud, too, and kept adding about four or five "La's" everytime they sang "Fa La La La La." And he was very dramatic with his shaping of the words... I couldn't stop grinning. It was a pretty decent break from the routine.

One thing I noticed... there were some damn good looking preschool teachers in that group. Hmmmm... somebody who can deal with people who think on my level. I may have a chance.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:14 PM | Comments (11) | TrackBack

An Answer

Saw a question on the header of my gmail account: Why does my nose run when I eat spicy food?

I was a little suprised to see that it had nothing to do with trying to get as far away from your ass as possible.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 03:59 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

December 11, 2006


While trying to find the Viking Kittens, I ran across something that immediately made me think of Sissy and her infamous fear of bugs. She doesn't just kill them, she drowns them.

Anyway, this song brought her to mind.


Posted by That 1 Guy at 04:39 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

More Help

Hey der, Mr. Kringle,

I don't really have much time, but I want to remind you to forget all of those mockers and scoffers. They know not what they do.

Here's another little prompt, if you needed it.

While I'd be perfectly content to be the proud owner of one of these, you and I know that I am far more deserving of this work of art.

Peace out, Fat Guy.


Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:18 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack

December 09, 2006

Viking Songs

At work, I only get to listen to classic rock stations. My choice in music is a bit frowned upon. There are a few classic rock stations around here, but the best are "The Eagle," and "The Bone." Both are great stations with a pretty decent selection of tunes. My aunt and the guys we have polishing for us prefer to listen to The Eagle.

Like I said, I like the Eagle, but I seriously think they should consider changing their name to "The Elton." Seems like Elton John is played at least every hour... it gets a little old. Not that I dislike Elton John, but I can only take so much. If I want to listen to piano rock, I'll listen to Billy Joel.

So anyway... I switched the station when no one was looking, and not a person noticed. 'Cept myself, of course. You know I mention that the Elton has their favorite, and it seems that the Bone does too... Led Zeppelin. Again, it's not that I mind the band, but when you hear them every hour or less, it has a tendency to get old. Not to mention that it only brings to mind pillaging kittens. (Yeah... I know it's not new, but it's been stuck in my head, so I need to share.)

Enjoy again...

*Please don't hotlink this... if you want to get the video for yourself, head here. They'll tell you how to get it. Thanks.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 11:36 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

December 08, 2006

Glass Act

Hey... I've been filling your minds full of tripe for damn near two and a half years. I've only celebrated a couple of milestones, giving away a very valuable Fritz's glass on the last one, for visitor 22,222. That went to the Phineus Goldfish. Well, it's time for another.

Very soon, the ol' Sitemeter will click over to 123,456. That's the milestone I've chosen to celebrate, that's the milestone that will get that visitor a couple of 20oz Drunken Wisdom pub glasses. Cool,eh? Just a token to show how much I appreciate you folks being foolish enough to keep checking back.

Murphy's Law would dictate that this milestone comes during a very busy time... I've only had time to check mail, and put up posts that are much worse than usual, with hardly any stops elsewhere. Not very cool, I know. I'm sorry about that. Lame, me hoping you keep visiting, while I rarely check in with you...

One thing... if you happen to be the visitor, I'll need you to leave a comment. Else, whoever referred you is going to end up with your glasses. Which is cool for them, and sucky for you. To help you, I'll move the Sitemeter up to the top of the sidebar, along with the link to this post.

Good luck. That is all.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:00 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

December 07, 2006


Sure. Kick a guy in the nuts when he's doing fine... just minding his own business. On his own merry way. Harming no one. At all.

And as I drops to the floor, everybody else decides to put the boots to me. Even the really nice people jump in...

Forgive and forget, eh?

Screw that crap.

Update: And another one.

Updated Update: Yet, again... and possibly the worst.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:57 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack

Early Present...

An early Christmas present? Got home yesterday to find that both Tammi and Jerry had sent me some important news... Jennifer Aniston is single again.

Could be that Santa was trying to hook me up... that'd be cool. But just 'cause she's single doesn't mean that she'll wise up and come after me... I'm needing some help there, Fat Man. Maybe she just doesn't know how serious I am... have her give me a call. I can't call her anymore.


No, she's not praying to me... though that is what it looks like, isn't it?

Posted by That 1 Guy at 08:43 AM | Comments (12) | TrackBack

December 06, 2006

Suits Me???

Huh... while I can't say that I'm completely innocent of doing the same type thing, this shit is totally unprovoked, and unfunny. Totally.

Praise be to Lord Jeebus that he is a kind and forgiving Jeebus. I would never think of getting even.


And especially not to those who laughed.

No way.

Posted by That 1 Guy at 06:18 PM | Comments (16) | TrackBack

December 05, 2006

Santa's Watching

"Uncle Joe! Try to catch me! Chase me, Uncle Joe!!!"

I looked at my cousin's four year old who was riding her bike, and shook my head. "No. You don't look where you're going when I chase you. You rode into the street without looking! I'm not chasing you."

She looked crushed. "PLEEEEAAASSE?!"

Being the hardass that I am, I refused to relent. "No. You might hit your grandma's car, or roll out into the street. I know you'll just watch me, and not where you're going."

"Please... I'll watch where I'm going?!"

Keeping up with the hardass theme, I said, "Okay... but you best watch where you're going. Serious. Don't you dare go out into the road..."

So she slowly rides past me, grinning, and I jump at her to start chasing her. Looking over her shoulder, she lurches to the left, and does what I feared... SMAACK!!! Right into Grandma's car... a nice scratch.

"You made me hit Grandma's car!"

"I think Santa saw that... you lied to me, and hit your grandma's car. I hope you've been good for most of the year. I'm thinking he's mad, now."

Gott, I love this time of year...

Posted by That 1 Guy at 05:23 PM | Comments (10) | TrackBack

December 03, 2006

A Suggestion

Hey, Jolly Old Dude,

I do trust you, but just in case...

I could sure use one of these.


Posted by That 1 Guy at 05:22 PM | Comments (15) | TrackBack


Kids can be cruel with their namecalling and teasing. Picking on those that are different... Adults can ruthless bastards, too.

We took my cousin's boat out yesterday, and hit a little island off the east shore of the bay. Beautiful day. The bay was nearly flat, eighty frickin' degrees with 100% humidity (that's no exaggeration), but the wind coming across the water helped balance it all out. We had planned to have a picnic, and drink many beers on the beach. And that, wii did. But it wasn't long, and I was being called names and had folks pointing and laughing (some gazing on in horror) at me. I could feel the tears pouring down my cheeks as I was being heckled.

Or perhaps that was just the saltwater of the bay when I surfaced after diving in. I broke through the water to hear, "CRAZY NORTHERNER!, You're fucking nuts!," and to see folks twirling their fingers around their ears.

Apparently it's unacceptable to go swimming in December. Hey... the water temp was 72. That's about perfect!

Ain't it?

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December 02, 2006


System Restore... remember it. Use it. Thanks to System Restore, I lost the urge to toss my laptop into the canal. Now I am grinning like an idiot.

Thank you, System Restore.

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Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I've been too frickin' good this year, with conduct far above my usual exemplary behavior. I trust you to hook me up proper.



Posted by That 1 Guy at 09:53 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack