August 30, 2004

A 12 Step Program: Marines Anonymous

My cousin sent me this the other, and I thought it hilarious! Mostly because some, and just some, apply!


1. I am a Marine, I have a problem. This is the first step to recovery.

2. Speech:
-Time should never begin with a zero or end in a hundred, it is not 0530 or 1400: it is 5:30 in the morning (AKA God-awful early).

-Words like deck, rack, and "PT" will get you weird looks; floor, bed, work out, get used to it. - I still catch myself calling hats "covers," and restrooms are still "heads." One night at the pub, the need to break the seal became unbearable, so as I stood up, I told my friend, "I've gotta hit the head." He stood up, too, looking around. Thought I was about to get into a fight!

-"F *ck" cannot be used to replace whatever word you can't think of
right now, try "um". -I don't use the word much in public, but there is a stage when drinking... well, the bar owner's wife usually sits back, starts grinning, and announces, "Now you can tell he was a Marine!"

-Grunting is not talking.

-It's a phone, not a radio, conversations on a phone do not end in "out." -But I still use "say again," instead of "could you repeat that."

-People will not know what you are talking about if you tell them you are coming from Camp Lejeune with the MWSS platoon or that you spent a deployment in the OCAC.-Who were you with? "2nd LAI, B Co., Weapons Plt." (blank look) "Rode around in LAV's, fired mortars out the back." (blank still) "LAV-M; light armored vehicle, mortar." (blank) "A Bradley tank on wheels!" Ooohhhh.

3. Style:
-Do not put creases in your jeans.
-Do not put creases on the front of your dress shirts.
-A horseshoe cut looks dumb, not motivating.
-A high and tight looks really dumb as well.-Does not!
-So does a low reg, but not as bad.
-A hat indoors does not make you a bad person, it makes you like the rest of the world.
-You do not have to wear a belt ALL the time.

4. Women:
-Air Force girls are easy, very easy, not all women are this easy and will probably punch you in the nuts if you treat them like Air Force girls.-Air Farce girls are easy?! No wonder why we used to go up to Goldsboro! I always thought it was to make fun of the unsat bastards! Gawd, I'm an idiot!
-Being divorced twice by the time you are 23 is not normal, neither are 6 month marriages, even if it is your first.-Knew a few.

-Marrying a girl so that you can move out of the barracks does not make "financial sense", it makes you a retard. -Knew a few more.

5. Personal accomplishments:
-In the real world, being able to do pushups will not make you good at
your job.
-Most people will be slightly disturbed by you if you tell them about
people you have killed or seen die.
-How much pain you can take is not a personal accomplishment.
-The time you got really drunk and passed the sobriety test anyway is also not a personal accomplishment.

6. Drinking:
-In the real world, being drunk before 5pm will get you an intervention, not a "good for you."-This explains a few things! :) (j/k)
-That time you drank a 5th of Jaeger and pissed in your closet is not a conversation starter.
-That time you went to the combat medic school and practiced giving vodka IV's will also not be a good conversation starter.

6. Bodily functions:
-Farting on your co-workers and then giggling while you run away may be viewed as "unprofessional".
-The size of the dump you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it smelled.-Never could understand these two. Although I did laugh about others doing it.
-You can't make fun of someone for being sick, no matter how funny it is.-I can, and I do. Cheers people up and makes them feel better!
-VD will also not be funny.

7. The human body:
-Most people will not want to hear about your balls. Odd as that may seem, it's true.-Never had a problem with this one.

8. Spending habits:
-One day, you will have to pay bills
-Buying a $30,000 car on a $16,000 a year salary is a really bad idea.
-Spending money on video games instead of on diapers makes you a fool.
-One day you will need health insurance

9. Interacting with civilians (AKA YOU):
-Making fun of your neighbor to his face for being fat will not be normal.-WHAT???

10. Real jobs:
-They really can fire you.
-On the flip side you really can quit.
-Screaming at the people that work for you will not be normal, remember they really can quit too.-Nor can you threaten to take them outside. Some people just don't understand motivation.
-Taking naps at work will not be acceptable.
-Remember 9-5 not 0530 to 1800

11. The Law:
-Non-judicial punishment does not exist and will not save you from prison.
-Your workplace unlike your command can't save you and probably won't, in fact most likely you will fired about 5 minutes after they find out you've been arrested
-Even McDonalds does background checks, and "conviction" isn't going to help you get the job
-Fighting is not a normal thing and will get you really arrested, not yelled at Monday morning before they ask you if you won.

12. General knowledge:
-You can in fact really say what you think about the President in public.
-Pain is not weakness leaving the body, it's just pain.And how!
-They won't wear anything shiny that tells you they are more important then you are, be polite. -Read the contracts before you sign them, remember what happened the first time. -AMEN, BROTHER!

Posted by That 1 Guy at August 30, 2004 03:36 AM | TrackBack