Deficiency

Yesterday was my aunt's birthday, so my cousin and her hubby took us all out to eat at a local restaurant. The place was excellent... Circles at Lands End is what it's called. Great food, great atmosphere, and a great view. Beautiful place.

We got our drinks and ordered appetizers. I couldn't hear what was ordered, but I just knew it would be tasty... the plates going by all looked so damn good. After a short wait, the appetizers arrived, and I had an epiphany... complete with a heavenly chorus. I figured out what is wrong with a large percentage of you folks.

It was only a few years ago that I learned about geophagy, or the eating of dirt or clay. A good friend of my cousin swore by the soil where she came from in Alabama. I was speechless... but after checking it out, I found out that it's not uncommon. Hell, it's even a traditional practice in some places.

Not to be confused with pica, which is the consumption of nonfood substances, with no nutritional value (paint chips, chalk, plaster...), there is a benefit to dining on dirt. Folks who feast upon earth have a deficiency... a mineral deficiency. Their bodies are craving these minerals, which makes the dirt taste even better to them.

It was this thought that was stuck in my head as I watched the ingestion of fungus by my family. And they were raving about it as they ate! Yeah... the appetizers were eggrolls with rather large chunks of jock itch, and then a plate of stuffed athelete's foot, covered with mozzarella. And, just because I'm a big boy, I did partake, earthy taste and all. Fortunately Unfortunately, the waitress ended up taking away my plate before I could finish it. Awww... damn.

"WHAAAT??? You don't like mushrooms, T1G??? Say it ain't so!"

'Tis so. It is well known that I have a problem with them. Very well known.

"You haven't had PORTABELLAS... you'd love them. Just like steak, they are!"

Yep... steak that's been rolled in the finest topsoil available. And yes, as of last night, I have had them. Certainly not gott awful, but definitely not deserving of the description of "good."

See, I have no deficiency, therefore, I haven't a need to consume strange things to get my vital nutrients. You mushroom lovers are the one's with a deficiency... and I'm thinking it's not all a mineral problem. Methinks that there is a teeny tiny short circuit somewhere in your parietal lobes. I'm not saying you're crazy... just that your brain is broken.

I wish that someday you all could be the epitome of health, like me and other eschewers of shroobies. But until then, enjoy your fungus.

*raises glass* "To your health..."

Posted by That 1 Guy at June 24, 2006 08:02 AM | TrackBack