June 24, 2006


Yesterday was my aunt's birthday, so my cousin and her hubby took us all out to eat at a local restaurant. The place was excellent... Circles at Lands End is what it's called. Great food, great atmosphere, and a great view. Beautiful place.

We got our drinks and ordered appetizers. I couldn't hear what was ordered, but I just knew it would be tasty... the plates going by all looked so damn good. After a short wait, the appetizers arrived, and I had an epiphany... complete with a heavenly chorus. I figured out what is wrong with a large percentage of you folks.

It was only a few years ago that I learned about geophagy, or the eating of dirt or clay. A good friend of my cousin swore by the soil where she came from in Alabama. I was speechless... but after checking it out, I found out that it's not uncommon. Hell, it's even a traditional practice in some places.

Not to be confused with pica, which is the consumption of nonfood substances, with no nutritional value (paint chips, chalk, plaster...), there is a benefit to dining on dirt. Folks who feast upon earth have a deficiency... a mineral deficiency. Their bodies are craving these minerals, which makes the dirt taste even better to them.

It was this thought that was stuck in my head as I watched the ingestion of fungus by my family. And they were raving about it as they ate! Yeah... the appetizers were eggrolls with rather large chunks of jock itch, and then a plate of stuffed athelete's foot, covered with mozzarella. And, just because I'm a big boy, I did partake, earthy taste and all. Fortunately Unfortunately, the waitress ended up taking away my plate before I could finish it. Awww... damn.

"WHAAAT??? You don't like mushrooms, T1G??? Say it ain't so!"

'Tis so. It is well known that I have a problem with them. Very well known.

"You haven't had PORTABELLAS... you'd love them. Just like steak, they are!"

Yep... steak that's been rolled in the finest topsoil available. And yes, as of last night, I have had them. Certainly not gott awful, but definitely not deserving of the description of "good."

See, I have no deficiency, therefore, I haven't a need to consume strange things to get my vital nutrients. You mushroom lovers are the one's with a deficiency... and I'm thinking it's not all a mineral problem. Methinks that there is a teeny tiny short circuit somewhere in your parietal lobes. I'm not saying you're crazy... just that your brain is broken.

I wish that someday you all could be the epitome of health, like me and other eschewers of shroobies. But until then, enjoy your fungus.

*raises glass* "To your health..."

Posted by That 1 Guy at June 24, 2006 08:02 AM | TrackBack

I love mushrooms, and I think Portabellas are good, but they don't taste anything like steak. The only thing that tastes like steak, is steak.

Posted by: Contagion at June 24, 2006 10:12 AM


you know there is an entire town of folks that eat dirt....

let me find the link.

Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at June 24, 2006 10:53 AM


Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at June 24, 2006 10:55 AM

I'm with Contagion. Love mushrooms. They don't taste like steak at all.

As long as you don't tell me I have to eat Watermelon or Shrimp I won't tell you to eat mushrooms. Are we good with that? *grin*

Posted by: Teresa at June 24, 2006 11:03 AM

I readily admit... my brain is broken. My broken brain prefers them sauteed in olive oil with a whole heaping bunch of garlic.

And anyone who told you portabellos taste like steak is whack.

Posted by: Bou at June 24, 2006 08:18 PM

Portabellos don't taste like steak, but you can cook them on the grill kinda like a steak and they sure are good. I love every kind of mushroom. You just ain't right, m'boy.

Posted by: Dash at June 24, 2006 08:37 PM

ohhhhh. Boo. And I was sooooo looking forward to serving you my Boursin stuffed mushrooms one day. Gonna have to go with my sausage taco cheese dip, I guess... ;)

Posted by: Richmond at June 24, 2006 10:06 PM

So I'm guessing you wouldn't be ordering a big batch of escargot stuffed into sauteed mushrooms?

Posted by: Jerry at June 24, 2006 11:09 PM

While mushrooms do not taste like steak, they do taste great with a steak! Mmmmmmmm steak and shrooms. At least you tried them...without gagging on them,Right??? ;)

Posted by: azindiandoll at June 25, 2006 05:21 AM

Sorry to disagree, but I'm thinkin' it's not us. It's just that while not necessarily your BRAIN is broken, just your taste buds.......

Posted by: Tammi at June 25, 2006 06:40 PM

I hate mushrooms too. Who, exactly, goes out of their way to eat fungus?

Hell you can lick my feet if you want, should be just about the same.


Posted by: Quality Weenie at June 26, 2006 08:15 AM

Well, myself, I do like mushrooms, and steak. Keep in mind my shroom tastes changed from the "teen/young man" wannabe part of my life up to now. I don't eat 'em recreationally anymore, but they's good eatin'. Not the same as a Steak for shizzle. If they were, the waitress would've asked you how you wanted you "Shroom" cooked...

Posted by: RedNeck at June 28, 2006 06:32 PM