July 17, 2004
Bold Faced B-Day Lie
My birthday was the ninth. Nothing different from the usual eat, work, sleep, repeat routine. So, I decided I would make up a birthday tale. Here goes.
The day started off like most; got up, stretched, and had an injury free workout. (I said like most!) I showered, ate and then sat down to figure out what I should do on this special day. (Did I mention it was my b-day?) After a couple of bottles of "brunch," I had my day set.
I still had a couple hours before the theatres opened, so I did some housework. Basically that consists of moving my dishes and bottles to the counter next to the sink. The fridge looked like it could use a good cleaning out, so I took care of that, too. Ah, time to head to the movies!
Now Harvey had told me about a sneaky way to see "Farfromright 812" without actually giving any of my money to "der Zeppelin." Buy a ticket for another lame movie, and then sneak into the theatre showing "The Mickey House Show." I know, why see that load of tripe? I just like to anger myself every now and again. Keeps you sharp!
It's been a long while since I've been to the movies. Nobody told me that carrying stuff in was a bad idea; I got thrown out! The movie had just started:
Usher:"Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave."
T1G:"What's the problem?" (Drops egg)
Usher:"You're throwing things at the screen! You cannot do that!"
T1G:(quickly fires off another tomatoe which hits a man in the first row)"So, my aim is off a bit. Doesn't mean I can't do it! (launches another egg; success!) See?! How about that?"
Usher:(grabbing my garbage bag filled with refrigerator refuse)"I mean, that behavior is not tolerated in here."
T1G:"Alright, keep the garbage, I'll be .... aaaack (angry guy from front row gets me in a sleeper hold)
Angry Guy:"Going. Or maybe getting your butt kicked?!"
T1G: (nodding while holding up one finger) "Grrrraaaaaccccckk"
Once outside, I figured I may as well head for home. No wonder I hadn't been to the movies in awhile.
By now, that garbage bag (which the nice usher made sure I got to keep) was starting to smell a little ripe, so I headed over to the side of the cinema where there were a couple dumpsters. As I neared the bins, I spied a seemingly familiar figure. He had the emergency exit cracked open, and was watching the movie intently. Playing on a hunch, I reached in the bag, got an egg, and fired it at him. No reaction, as I hit the wall next to him. Hiding behind a dumpster, I gingerly rummaged around until I found that rancid jar of pickled herring. Hoping to cover him with the pungent rot, I rifled the jar at the wall over the exit. I caught him square in the back of the head instead!!!
"GAAAAAAHH! INDEED!"
Any question as to his identity was gone as he turned around.Socks/sandals-check. Black cloak-check. And lo and behold, one of Harvey's stakes was protruding from his groin. Evil Glenn!!
EG:"Harvey? Bartender? ' you there?"
Unable to keep from laughing, I stood up.
EG:"Ooooooo .... hobo twins."
T1G:(looking around) "Wha???"
EG:(his eyes growing) "You gents should come with me. I could offer you a bit of disposal repose."
Grau had told me that the evil one screamed like a little girl. Seeing his fingers were still holding the door open, I leaned hard against it. Grau was right!
EG:" AAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Why'd you do that?!"
T1G:There's only one of me here, and though I may dress like one of your targets, I'm not. (sniffing the air)Although, I must say, after that herring bath, you smell like one. Hoooooboy, you reek!"
EG:I know who you are now .... you are the sons of Harvey and Grau. Tell me, do they really ... (moving his eyebrows up and down)"
T1G: Don't even say it!" (we both fight back an involuntary shudder)
EG:"Better left unsaid. Indeed! Why are you guys here anyway?"
So I told him all about my failed scheme.
EG:"Bah, you would think the product of such a coupling would be able to be just a little devious."
T1G: Whatever. Change of topic ... why do you still have that stake in your groin? Being a vampire, that should be a nonlethal wound. Or isn't it?" (starting to see movement over by the dumpsters)
EG:"Oh, it's not lethal at all. (He gets a creepy smile, and his eyes glaze) I just like the way it feels when my cloak rubs against it, like this. See?!" (I turn away ... yeah, there's definitely something, or a couple somethings moving by the bins)
T1G: "Ok, on that note I'll be going. You freak!" (oh look, a couple of large racoons materialize .... must be drawn by the herring)
EG:"That's lawyer to you two. And, please go. You're making me miss my son's movie! (racoons move in closer) I'm so proud of ....... mmmmmmmmmm, puppies!"
T1G:"Actually, those .... ah, nevermind. I'm gone." (More 'coons are appearing now, as Evil Glenn reaches for one ....)
Yep, Grau was right on about that girly scream.
EG:AAAHHH! I'll get you two and your fathers for this! You hobo lookalikes! Aaahhh! I'll fix it so that .... oooh, hey, that's right you nasty animal. Keep rubbing that stake.........."
What a freak! It wasn't the best birthday, but it was by far the most enertaining one. Hey, I wonder if EG has done something to Grau in retaliation?! Maybe that's why we haven't heard anything from him! Sorry, Pop!
