March 07, 2005
Home Alone, Part V
... I called the Bacon Whores this morning and asked for another visit from Tabitha.. man, what a let down... evidently the Management has been misinformed by the poor lass.. I mean, it was not MY journal on the pillow... anyway, they told me that the only "Bacon Whore" they had available was a former circus giant named Otto... so, I declined... but you know, these poptarts really aren't that bad if you crumble them up with your ramen noodles...
... oh, I finished the Schlitz too... without alcohol, I was doomed, so I began searching... but in a hip, Robert Frost kinda way.. you know, "as way leads on to way", and I found a bottle of vodka under the sink with the cleaning products... well, at least it tastes like vodka... as a result, I am feeling quite toasty up here in Illinois...
... anyway, I know you guys don't wanna hear that crap... so, on to the diary... I'm not really sure I should be telling you this... after all, this IS T1G's journal - a collection of his most intimate and private thoughts... but I'm getting a serious case of the willies here, and I need to share.. after all, y'all know how incredibly sensitive I am... The Phantom of the Opera is blaring through in the living room, and I am almost too scared to write this - even after a few stiff ones... mood music, indeed... reading his scribblings along side of the insane organ playing... it's bad, children... bad...
... ahhh... I'd better get to it before I lose my nerve... here, gentle readers, is a small sample of the Hell that I am in right now...
"Today started normally. I rode my Harley into town, and the sun was shining gloriously. I really like my new helmet, too. It is just SO damn shiny!. I saw Mary again, as well. She helped me find that perfumed body lotion that I enjoy so much. The stuff they sell at Bath and Body Works just RAWKS, and I LOVE the smell of roasted pumpkin!
Later, after I parked The Hog my Baby, and waved to Mrs. Jenkins across the road, (you should ALWAYS be nice to old ladies) I wandered through to the back yard to watch MR. and MRS. Squirrel collect nuts. I do so love to see them thriving. Illinois is a bitter, bitter land.
Once inside, I started reading a few blogs. Harvey is THE MAN. But of course, dear diary, you already KNOW that! And then, I came to Eric's Blog Noir post. Well, I very nearly fainted from the rush of blood away from my brain! I mean, I am not exactly hung like a MOOSE, but still! *WHEW*. I need a cold shower, and a stiff drink.
More laterrrrrr, Diary! The night is young, and I am only half-way finished with Amelia and the Outlaw. Since Eric has gotten me all stirred up, I think it is time to DELVE!
... bear witness, rubberneckers.... IAMINHELL!!!!.. T1G... dammit, please... PLEASE.. come back SOON!!
