September 02, 2006

Wipe Out

Consider the kitchen cleaning pad. One side is flat, and absorbant. Made for wiping down relatively clean surfaces. The other side is coarse, and ideal for removal of thicker, hard to remove "substances."

Now look at a regular "chadie" chip. It is relatively flat, but it will hold dip. However, it won't gather or hold dip like a ruffled chip.

Now... head for the can. Okay, grab some toilet paper, and ponder this: A folded sheet of bun wad provides a smooth surface. A wadded sheet provides a rough one. Both will do the trick, butt with the smooth (folded) sheet, you smear fecal debris as you attempt to remove it. The wadded sheet provides an ideal surface for removal of said debris. Fecal remains are scraped, rather than smeared.

There really isn't a wrong method to the wiping of one's bottom. Both methods will work just fine, as well as Mr. Debonair's 'Shitten Mitten,' but when you get right down to it, aside from the 'mitten,' the crumpling of the paper appears to be the wise choice. Best removal, with less handling of soiled paperwork.

BUTT... blog sister Boudicca has perhaps the best method of all...

"I rip off a big long piece and tie it into a bow, so its all nice and pretty... and I use that!"
Think, rope. As a guy, I can say that sliding down a rope can be a bit unpleasant. You run the risk of burning your testicles off. However, when you add a knot, or a bow, it's pretty much a guarantee.

I'm sure that I don't have to compare 'nads to dingleberries...

Posted by That 1 Guy at September 2, 2006 02:07 PM | TrackBack

Ack! ROFLMAO! Holy crap. I'm laughing.

Posted by: Bou at September 2, 2006 05:38 PM

When I was at Remington Park last week, I went into the ladies room. Somehow, I managed to pick the stall that had NO toilet paper. There were other people in the bathroom, no one I knew. There was no attendant.

So- I did what any normal gotta-wipe-my-arse woman would have done. I grapped a paper toilet seat cover, crumbled it, and used that.

So- my vote would be for the crumble...paper or plastic? Well, paper is softer!

Posted by: Rave at September 2, 2006 06:11 PM

someone has a hang over this morning... hehehehe ;-)

Posted by: c.a. Marks at September 3, 2006 07:34 AM

True desperation is evidenced by one's willingness to use a paper towel to perform the Act of Abstergence.

It may be the "Quicker Picker-Upper," but it will leave the Delicate Rosebud in a state of extreme distress...

Posted by: Elisson at September 3, 2006 06:57 PM

How did they use those sea shells in Demolition man?... I've been curious about the future of ass whipin' since I saw that movie...

Posted by: RedNeck at September 3, 2006 07:33 PM

Oh and Elisson - don't forget about the every popular coffee filter. Oh yeah - that would be the reason why, even as a single woman I have more toliet paper in my house than could be used in a month by a family of 6.

Seriously - this coffee pot doesn't take filters and I'm not takin' ANY chances.....

Posted by: Tammi at September 3, 2006 08:18 PM

I'm doing the big *blink* here. Am I the only person who has NEVER wiped their ass with a coffee filter?! Holy 'crap'! Good Lord. That thought would never have even occurred to me...

Posted by: Bou at September 3, 2006 08:26 PM

Good Lord, that makes 2 of us Bou!

Posted by: michele from nyc at September 3, 2006 11:12 PM

Dirt poor. Desperate. They don't clog the toilet.

It's amazing how resourceful you can be in those situations.....

But seriously - they don't clog the toilet. If you run outta the real stuff, it's good to know there's an alternative out there that won't "make the situation worse". ;-)

Posted by: Tammi at September 4, 2006 04:58 AM

Hell Tammi, now you got me tryin' to think and go deep again... Can one use toilet paper as a coffee filter? I mean there ain't that many women 'round here anymore, and sometimes I run out of filters 'fore I do TP...

Posted by: RedNeck at September 4, 2006 11:31 AM

Oh I'm so never drinking coffee at Redneck's house...

And now that I know coffee filters don't clog toilets... for some reason I feel certain this tidbit of information will come in handy. I'll make sure the boys know before I send them off to college. ;-)

Posted by: Bou at September 4, 2006 03:44 PM

... good God, Tammi.. I had no idea... but in such extreme cases of duress, surely it would be better to just go Asian and use your finger - and wash your hands mightily once you were finished...

Posted by: Eric at September 5, 2006 03:54 PM

OMG!!!!! This is the most seriously funniest thing I've read all guys are great!

Posted by: Carmen at September 5, 2006 05:59 PM

Umm no. I'll take the coffee filters. Seriously Eric. Yick.

And - any help that I can be to y'all on any of these really important matters in life - yeah. I'm all about the helpful suggestions......

Posted by: Tammi at September 5, 2006 09:10 PM