January 13, 2006


Sweaters are curious creatures (yes, I'm saying that they live)... they have the ability to morph depending on who's wearing them. And they apparently breed... leave them to themselves, and you'll end up having drawers full of them, as Eric has recently discovered.

You ask, "Oh, Wise One, what's wrong with sweaters?" Nothing. Especially when they snugly encompass a fine female figure, displaying the twins of distinction straining against their woolen confines, with one single stray thread that just begs you to unravel the restraint... mmmmmm.

Some sweaters are colorful works of art, and look great on the rack. Some are ghastly pieces of crap, that people buy as punishments for their relatives who've fallen out of favor. Both are warm and functional... I've no problem with them. At least not until I try to wear one.

Now, I know that there are plenty of guys who can wear a sweater, and it will look great on them. I'm not one of them. I don't know what the catalyst is, but if I were to try a sweater on, and look in the mirror, this is what I see, while the sweater itself starts screaming, "I'M GAY!!! I'M GAY!!!" at the top of it's lungs. Not being of this particular life choice, it's a bit of a problem. I can put the damn thing back on the shelf, and it seems to go back to normal. Whatever "normal" is for a sweater.

I've committed genocide on the sweaters that used to inhabit my abode... perhaps I was a bit too harsh. Eric has put his stock of sweaters into a relocation program that will also aide in the beautification of parks, gutters, and alleys everywhere.

I'm sure this gift is going to be appreciated, by both the sweaters, and the homeless. If you happen to wander close to one of these happy couplings, I'm sure you'll be able to hear the sweaters echoing the "Thank you's" of their new wearers.

But I can guarantee you that there will be at least one poor bastard trying to pick between wearing his new garment for long lasting warmth, and burning it for immediate satisfaction... while the thing shrieks, "HE'S GAY!!! HE'S GAY!!! HE'S GAY!!!"

Posted by That 1 Guy at January 13, 2006 11:26 AM

.. man, some of those things were so hideous that I doubt that even a hypothermic homeless person would lower himself to wearing them...

Posted by: Eric at January 13, 2006 11:32 AM

I'm sure it comes as no surprize that Old Sarge has The Ugliest Cardigan On God's Green earth that he will not part with. My grandfather wouldn't even have worn that.
One day, soon, I hope, it will disintegrate. Then I can work on not letting him go out in public in sweatpants and slippers.

Posted by: Raging Mom at January 13, 2006 12:36 PM

Speaking of sweater muffins (the girl kind) ... check out this funny piece. Oh .. Not safe for most workplaces!

Posted by: Barb at January 13, 2006 12:44 PM

OMG that was funny. Thanks T1G! :)

Posted by: Richmond at January 13, 2006 03:39 PM

I'm sorry, but I cannot think of a single thing you could wear that would make you look gay. I think you could wear a dress and heels and not look gay. A feather boa... Nope. You'd look stupid, but not gay. Just sayin'... ;-)

Posted by: Bou at January 13, 2006 09:20 PM

Bou stole my comment. :-) But then again, we do think so much alike. LOL

Sweaters? I'm so damned picky I can't find any I really like. Plus, much like you (but different) on me sweaters scream "I'm Gay"! I just look...masculine. And THAT LOOK does NOT work for me!!!!! At least when I'm lookin' in a mirror.

Posted by: Tammi at January 14, 2006 09:45 AM