October 31, 2005

What Happens When One Backs Out Of An Offering

The Drinking Gods are not to be trifled with, a lesson I know, and should have learned long ago. However, I can be a bit thick at times...

I mentioned that since my liver was a little too beat up for the gods, I would offer up the liver of a hitchhiker... that was just a joke. Unfortunately, the gods were not amused.

I arrived at my destination Friday, ready to do my best to defend others from the demon Alcohol, but I did not make the offering I had promised. The Drinking Gods soon extracted their vengeance... in blood. I awoke with a nosebleed that would not stop.

From 11:30 am, 'til 9:00 pm, my nose bled off and on, with no more than ten minute respites. I tried almost everything to get it to stop, with no luck. I was also the recipient of some great suggestions, though my favorites were to shove a tampon up my nose, and to just let myself bleed out... not only would it LEAVE more ribs for the others, but I would be a great SOURCE of ribs should I perish. "Take... eat... these are my ribs..." heheheh....

Being the cruel bastards that they are, the Gods let my nose bleed steadily... until I got into the emergency room. There, it stopped within five minutes... the doctor wouldn't do anything because it wasn't bleeding anymore. Could I leave, though? No way in Hell... I got stuck waiting for two hours just for good measure.

Next time I make a statement about offering up a sacrifice, I'll make sure it has nothing to do with blood. I think I'll just raise my glass to the gods, and hope that offering will please them.

Posted by That 1 Guy at October 31, 2005 10:53 AM

I would have paid to see you walk around with tampons shoved up your nostrils!

Posted by: oddybobo at October 31, 2005 11:26 AM

Do you have high blood pressure? Well you may have after all the alcohol!

Posted by: Molly at October 31, 2005 11:29 AM

Umm, yeah, well, oh, yep.

That pretty much covers it. I think that's all I'm really allowed to say at this point.

Posted by: Tammi at October 31, 2005 11:50 AM

it's one of those jokes from the gods: My kids could have a 105 temperature and vomiting profusely but the minute I got them into the dr.s office, the fever would drop to 98.6 and they'd be as cheerful as could be. I swear I could hear cosmic giggling every time!

Posted by: Pam at October 31, 2005 11:59 AM

D*mn, you need to be more specific, Dude! Or just quit trying to trifle with the Gods ... Heh!

Posted by: Barb at October 31, 2005 12:22 PM

The first rule of fight club is......there is no fight club.


Posted by: armywifetoddlermom at October 31, 2005 12:39 PM

Damn, Red Hot Martha Stewart beat me to the fight club quote...

Posted by: Blackfive at October 31, 2005 12:44 PM

A pleasure and an honor to have spent time tipping the bottle and talking with you.

Just remember one of the old axioms of paramedics and ER docs:

"ALL bleeding stops...... eventually...."

Posted by: RSM at October 31, 2005 01:45 PM

Great meeting you, bloody nose and all. :-)

Posted by: Jim -PRS at October 31, 2005 02:09 PM

You know, it was kind of weird to arrive at a party and find that someone had already been taken to the emergency room. Usually that sort of thing doesn't happen until Saturday night.

It was great to meet you!

Posted by: zonker at October 31, 2005 03:05 PM

.. relax, killer.. it ain't a real blogmeet until someone is bleeding...

Posted by: Eric at October 31, 2005 07:22 PM

I didn't even really notice... until it got really bad and you left. I was just horrified as you left and people were yelling after you, "Don't worry, they're going to stick a red hot p-oker up your nose and cauderize it!!!" Ack!

Why will our comments not let us post the word p-oker? Heh.

Posted by: Bou at October 31, 2005 09:05 PM

Sounds like Tammi has a voodoo doll of T1G...

Posted by: Ogre at November 1, 2005 09:31 AM

Ya know, at every party or event it's usually me or my son who winds up in the ER and miss the whole thing. That's why I've given up going to places and travelling. I guess since I wasn't there the drinking gods got you instead.

Anyway, hope you're feeling better. I'm also glad you were driving and not flying.

Posted by: michele at November 1, 2005 09:03 PM

From one high blood pressure nosebleeder to another... Get to the local apothecary and procure some of the miracle powder they call Nosebleed QR, made by a firm called Biolife. It's a packet with an oversized q-tip and a supply of a polymer powder. You roll the q-tip in the powder, shove it up your snoot, and it instantly congeals to form a "scab" over the broken capillaries that cause the bleeding. Quick & easy, dude. Plus, there's no tampon hanging off your face!

Posted by: El Capitan at November 2, 2005 02:15 PM