October 22, 2005

Surving In A Public Restroom

I was over at One For The Road yesterday, and Richmond pointed out a flash cartoon about men's restrooms. Pretty damn funny, and spot on. As I was watching it, I was reminded of Anathematized posting a Urinal Quiz that someone had left in her comments. I was also reminded of a story...

When Tammi first moved to the area, she had no clue as to where anything was, so I took her to Rockford to show her the best stretch to get all of your necessities. I showed her where the mall was, the monster Wally World, Best Buy, and some of the big grocery stores. Then I took her over to State Street, where it seems there are a million restaurants, and we got a bite to eat.

Before we left the establishment, I decided that it would be best to hit the restroom. There was nobody behind us that I saw, so when I got to the urinal, junk at the ready, I was feaked out when I heard the door get blasted open. Now, I was already behind the little divider, so all was hidden. At first, I thought Tammi had kicked in the door as a joke, which may have been funny. I suppose. But with equipment already in place and ready to relieve, I was freaked out... until I saw this guy hurriedly walking through the door.

I do what most men do... I turned my attention back to the wall in front of me. I hear the hurried man stop and say something. He repeats it again, and it was something along the lines of "Now they're giving me too much credit." He was standing by the little kids' urinal, grinning. I ignored him. So he takes the urinal right next to me, and announces that "that water is cold," which, if you ladies are unfamiliar with the construction of urinals, was a joke about dangling into the water pooled at the bottom of the pisser.

By now, I'm trying to stare a hole through the tile on the wall. He stands there for a couple of seconds in silence, and I think that he may have gotten the message that he was in severe violation of bathroom etiquette. Nope. Not at all.

He noticed that I was wearing a Harley T-shirt, so he asks if I ride. Then he informs me that he works "for Harley Davidson. Well, actually, I work with them... we make parts for them." He asks what model I own. The whole time the weirdo is chatting, he's looking at me. THAT'S A FRICKIN' HUGE NO-NO! If, for some reason, you need to talk to someone at the urinal, you also should be trying to stare a hole through your section of wall... just above eye level. At least when talking to someone you don't know. Hell, a very brief EYE LEVEL glance while talking to friends is permitted.

By now, I'm no longer staring at the wall... I'm trying to finish up, but that's kinda difficult when in those conditions. I'm also making sure that his eyes don't dart below. Now, I'm guessing he's assumed we're friends because we made eye contact. So he grins, and starts chatting away... I don't even know all the crap that he was spouting... I just concerned myself with getting out as soon as I could.

Maybe I go a little overboard with my reactions... I don't know, but I don't think I'm the only guy that would have felt strange in a situation like this. I'm just trying to be pleasant and non-violent. I know of at least one of my friends who would have knocked the dude out.

"Don't talk to strangers" isn't just a safety rule for kids... it also applies to public bathroom survival.

Posted by That 1 Guy at October 22, 2005 01:16 PM

OMG, chatty and a "crowder".... Yikes! I had no idea that this level of difficulty even existed for guys!

Posted by: Richmond at October 22, 2005 06:20 PM

PLEASE tell me you administered a little "men's room" justice and gave this jag the swirlie of a lifetime?

Posted by: Harvey at October 22, 2005 08:47 PM

Good Grief am I glad I'm a woman. Using the men's restroom sounds too stressful. Ack!

Posted by: Bou at October 22, 2005 09:13 PM

Man, that guy broke all the "Rules." Well, at least he didn't try to shake your hand.

Posted by: Jim - PRS at October 22, 2005 10:03 PM

Next time just grimace in pain and gasp out "God.. Hurts.. to.. piss.... when you.. have the clap..."

Posted by: Graumagus at October 25, 2005 04:45 AM

Even better, while still going, turn to him and offer to shake his hand...

Posted by: Ogre at October 26, 2005 05:47 AM