September 16, 2004
Evil Glenn and His Haiku
Writing assignments;
just one thing I'm not good at.
Takes me too damn long!
Time to do an Alliance assignment. Let's see, assignment for Friday, is ...(sniff, sniff)
SMAAAAASSSHHHHH!!!!! "Good evening, Drunken One!"
Me: "Evil Glenn! You broke my window!"
EG: "You shouldn't keep it so clean... it looked open!"
Me: (plugging nose) "By aw dat's howee, whad ith dat thmell?!"
EG: (eyeing me suspiciously) "Someone called me with a tip about a litter of puppies nearby. Turns out, it was a litter of skunks."
Me: (looking innocent ... or trying to) "Id wadnt bme! I jus mimb my own bidineth."
EG stares at me doubtfully, then asks: "So what is the Alliance up to this week?"
Me: "Oh, jus suppod to wride a haiku ..."
EG: (interrupting) "Curse you."
Me: "Whaaa?!"
EG: "You sneezed, I cursed you!"
Me: "oooohhh....kay. Andyway, I'm spode to wride a ..."
EG: (eyes lighting up) "A song? About me? Ooooh, I love songs about me!"
Me: "No, I ...."
EG: (breaking into a Tiny Tim falsetto, to the tune of"My Favorite Things")
"Murdering hobos,
rid the world of their masses.
Blending up puppies,
to sip from tall glasses.
Razor blades in apples,
each Halloween.
These are a few of my favorite things.
(he starts to robot dance)
Porno for penguins,
and poor robot dancing ...
Me: (unplugging nose to be heard) "NOT A SONG!!"
EG: "No song? What then?"
Me: "A haiku."
EG: "Ohhh, that's what you said when I thought you sneezed. Well, let's see what you've got. (grabs paper off of desk) Dear Abbey, Sometimes I feel.... (looks at me with raised eyebrow) Don't think this is going to be very good! Indeed!"
Me: (snatching paper back) "That's something different. A creative writing assignment or something... yeah. Anyway, I haven't made any progress on the haiku, yet."
EG: "A product of the Grau/Harvey coupling hasn't the wit to come up with a haiku? Your fathers must be disgusted with you!"
Me: "Well, Harvey hasn't blocked me from his site, yet, and Grau still waves from across the parking lot, so they can't be that disgusted."
EG: "Waves, huh? Seriously, watch to see that he's not crossing himself. He does it to me all the time!"
Me:" Anyway, I know I'll come up with something."
EG: "Haikus are eeeaaaaassssyy! I make them up all the time. For example:
Feel the frigid fowl.
It stirs more than just my soul;
Penguins turn me on.
Or another:
Puppy in blender,
Entranced by the swirling mess.
Labrador tastes best!
Yet, another:
The Lord of Darkness,
Has made my blog to prosper.
Thank you, Lawyer God!"
And how's this:
Beating on Frank J.,
I pummel his baby face.
Tell lies about me?!
Me: "Oh, some of your favorite topics. Do you have one about hobos?"
EG: "Er, that one isn't very good, on account I can't stop laughing while thinking about their cute little dying hobo faces. But I'll share what I have.
Ha ha ha ha ha,
I watch the hobo dying,
ha ha ha ha ha.
Muahahahahahaha.... I just love that!"
Me: "Uh, that was lovely ... I guess."
EG: "Say, you wouldn't happen to have a few gallons of tomato juice would you? I've got to get rid of this stench!"
Me: "Nah, no tomato juice, but I've heard holy water works just as well. There's a church right down the road."
EG: "Hey, thanks. I'll give that a .... wait a minute. Nice try witless one! I oughta ..."
Me: "Be going? I've got to write down a couple of thoughts for haikus."
EG: "BAH, you may as well start working on your 'lame excuse for being late!' Maybe you could have your blog sister Boudicca do your homework for you. She seemed to do rather well with her puke-u's. By the way, the limerick from TGOO wasn't too bad, either! Maybe you can get his help!"
Me: "Ok, thanks, I guess, for all of your suggestions. But, I'm really wanting to get back to this assignment. (pulling wooden stake from under desk) I'd like you to leave; I don't want to use force, but I'm prepared to do what I must."
EG: (laughing) "No need for violence, Groggy Guy! I shall leave you. But here's a haiku for your do goody good Alliance, a parting bit of inspiration:
Warmest wishes to,
Members of the Alliance.
You all bugger off!!
Muahahahahahahaha .... "CRAAASSSSSHHHHHH!!!!
Me: "You broke another window! You inconsiderate, flying freak of ...."
EG: "That's lawyer to you! And you really should muddy up those windows!! I look forward to reading your haiku ... sometime next year!!! Heh!"
Me: (thinking to myself) "I think you've given me more than I need to do this."
