September 22, 2004

Safer Eggs On The Way!

A Bucket-o-Bull News Bulletin

The FDA recommended on Monday changes to reduce salmonella infections caused by tainted eggs. The goal is to reduce infections by one third. The agency says approximately 118,000 people each year are sickened by eating improperly cooked eggs contaminated with salmonella, according to this piece by the AP.

"It's just not funny anymore," says M. Brio, spokesman. "It used to be that a few good cases of salmonella poisoning could really bring the house down. But now that too many people are getting fatally ill, well, it's just time to reduce contamination. We've thought long and hard about this, and it's time for a change."

Not everyone is happy about the changes. Mr. B. Adegg, of the International Brotherhood of Contaminators (Local 663): "These moves are going to cost union jobs! We've been contaminating eggs for years, and now, just because a few whiners say that they felt like they were going to die, we are losing work. We will be fighting this, I guarantee it!

There are other options that may be implemented. One plan is to simply reduce the number of eggs produced. "Logic at it's finest," says Brio. "Sure, the ratio of bad to good eggs will be roughly the same, but the actual number of bad eggs will decrease. Brilliant thinking!"

Another plan is to encourage the chickens themselves to lay eggs that are more resistant to contamination. "We've got several options when it comes to this," says Brio. "One idea is to implement fines on the individual hen."

"Another," Brio continues," is to use a motivational program developed by Mr. Reynolds, of Reynolds' Pleasure Land Penguin Ranch. Mr. Reynolds has an extreme variation of the old "put out or get out" school of thought in place. Those birds not giving the desired performance are butchered in front of the other birds. The results are amazing! Bird queue up to deliver outstanding performances! Our thought is that if it works with one type of bird, why not another? Granted, our desired results differ (drastically) from Mr. Reynolds', but hey, results are results!"

More news, as developements continue to hatch.

Posted by That 1 Guy at September 22, 2004 01:36 AM | TrackBack