How To Stay Single: Quick Advice

Today I got the fifth degree from a woman at work, wanting to know about my dating life, or lack of one. She just kept going on, and on, and on ... All in good humor. She just likes to harass me. She had been trying to get me to go out with her daughter, but I wasn't really that interested. So now she just keeps on.

Today, I gave her an explanation of why it's been so long. (It's been three years, for those that just have to know!) I'm a little overly cautious!

(An Aside) I've never been one to believe in sex early in a relationship. I think you need to get to know someone well before you take that step. It's a matter of self preservation, really. You have to know how they will react to a possible breakup. (I still can't believe this dude was stupid enough to agree to sex after a quarrel, and to allow his hands to be tied.)

Some women can be downright shady. Although this just sounded a little too weird. A gift. Heh.

Anyway, here's a couple things that I jokingly told her have worked for me. And guys, if you want to stay single, listen up.

1. Always be oblivious to interest from the finer sex. If not naturally ignorant, like myself, act dumb as hell when it comes to their lures. Pretty self explanatory. Even for me.

2. If one of them makes it past your "oblivious shield," make sure that you plan your dating out correctly.

Never start dating just before, or during, hunting season. There goes that peace and quiet!

Also, keep in mind Christmas, Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day, and her birthday. Wait until after one of these events to start your courtship, unless you want to toss away money needlessly.

Make yourself aware of St. Pat's Day unless you feel that she'll like the idea of you hurling on her shoes.

Easter... bad. You'll be forced to church, where, if you're like me, you will be struck by lightning.

Mother's Day timeframe may not be so good either, if you're not fond of watching family squabbles. Ditto, Dad's day. Although, that could come with a shotgun in your direction. Be careful.

During summer weather, keep in mind you'll be asked (told) to do "stuff." Waste of time stuff, like picnics, and walks in the park, and other nonsense.

About the best time to start dating, is early August. By then it's too hot for the outside stuff, so you can sit in the air conditioning at the movies, or her your favorite drinking establishment.

But again, be mindful of Labor Day. You may have to drag her around as you hit all the good parties.

3. Remember, THEY CAN'T GO OUT WITH YOU IF YOU NEVER ASK! As I explained all of my bull, she interrupted me and told me it was my fault that I had not been dating. "How so?," I ask. She was confident that there were women around that were interested. Had I ever bothered to ask? I told her, "Nope." And she replied with my bit of underlined advice. I explained that I patiently wait for a woman to tell me that she would go out with me if I asked. Then I'll ask. Safer that way!

Posted by That 1 Guy at February 25, 2005 06:03 PM | TrackBack